I'd love to, but I've got this column to write for The Independent

Share
Related Topics
What is it that we need a lot of and only have a few of?

Good excuses, that's what, The trouble is that we spend half our waking life trying to get out of things and we usually have no escape hatch to get out by.

Well, today I bring you good news in the shape of a whole bunch of excuses to store away in your personal organiser.

Yes, whenever the words, "Gosh, I'd LOVE to but I'm afraid I can't because ..." form on your lips, you can now complete your sentence with one of the following:

1. "I've had a rather painful accident with a rubber band which I would rather not talk about."

2. "It would interfere with my preparations for the World Cup."

3. "It's that time of year again."

4. "I would prefer not to, not if there is any truth in what Alistair Cooke said last Sunday."

5. "Well, it was a very large rubber band."

6. "I'm double-booked with a man in Potters Bar."

7. "I'm going to my aromatherapist's funeral."

8. "I'm going to a very important village Millennium meeting."

9. "That's the day I'm having my cyst looked at."

10. "No, not cistern - cyst."

11. "I've promised to act as second in a duel that day, which I've never done before."

12. "I have to keep that day clear for organic recharging."

13. "My wife has gone away for some time and she seems to have taken the diary with her, so I can't fix anything."

14. "Oh, that's St Ursula's Day ... Sorry."

15. "That's the day I'm having my cistern looked at."

16. "No, not sister - cistern."

17. "The old trouble is playing up again, I'm afraid."

18. "That's exactly when I've had to pencil in a dry run for my income tax investigation."

19. "Apparently there's a place in Banbury where they still do evening classes on how to be a second in duels."

20. "No, St Ursula."

21. "Well, aromatherapists die too, you know. You can postpone death with pretty smells but you can't cancel it."

22. "The awful thing is that I've just forgotten how to swim and there's a man in Le Touquet who specialises in bringing the skill back, and that's the only day I could get a flight there."

23. "That's the day my ginger beer matures, and it's a non-stop vigil."

24. "Well, much though I'd like to, I can't ring my wife because she's taken the phone book as well."

25. "I'm afraid my old trouble isn't playing up any more, and the doctors are a bit worried and want to see why."

26. "Yes, they use a lot of fragrances at aromatherapists' funerals."

27. "Well, there's a lot more to it than just saying, `Choose your weapons, gentlemen,' you know."

28. "Kitty Kelley wants to come and see me that day and she won't say what it's about."

29. "All our systems have crashed and that's the day the man's coming to have a look at them."

30. "Not cisterns. Systems."

31. "Did I say St Ursula? I meant St Boniface."

32. "I don't think the fragrances do much for the late departed, but they do the funeral guests a lot of good."

33. "I couldn't possibly, not with the Hang Seng in its present delicate state."

NB This excuse can be varied with the French lorry drivers' strike, shadow Cabinet crisis etc etc.

34. "That's the day I am due to have a session with my hypnotist, and once I have made an appointment with my hypnotist, there is some strong unseen power which seems to prevent me ever changing it. Odd, really."

35. "No, hold on - that's Glenda Jackson's birthday. I never miss that."

36. "That's the day the piano tuner comes, and you can't get hold of piano tuners for love nor money these days, so I must be sure to be there, because he tunes everything in the house, not just the piano and spinet but everything from guitars to citterns."

37. "Not cisterns. Citterns."

38. "I have recently contracted that disease ..."

39. "You know, that disease, that disease which never lets you get round to finishing ..."

40. "I can't remember the name of it, but it's the disease which prevents you from ever ... from ever ..."

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Account Executive/Sales Consultant – Permanent – Hertfordshire - £16-£20k

£16500 - £20000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: We are currently r...

KS2 PPA Teacher needed (Mat Cover)- Worthing!

£100 - £125 per day: Randstad Education Crawley: KS2 PPA Teacher currently nee...

IT Systems Manager

£40000 - £45000 per annum + pension, healthcare,25 days: Ashdown Group: An est...

IT Application Support Engineer - Immediate Start

£28000 per annum: Ashdown Group: IT Software Application Support Analyst - Imm...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Emma Watson has become the latest target of the 4Chan nude hacking scandal  

What is 4Chan? And why does it threaten women like Emma Watson?

Memphis Barker
Chuka Umunna was elected MP for Streatham in 2010  

Could flirty Chuka Umunna be worth a punt for Labour’s top job?

Matthew Norman
Syria air strikes: ‘Peace President’ Obama had to take stronger action against Isis after beheadings

Robert Fisk on Syria air strikes

‘Peace President’ Obama had to take stronger action against Isis after beheadings
Will Lindsay Lohan's West End debut be a turnaround moment for her career?

Lindsay Lohan's West End debut

Will this be a turnaround moment for her career?
'The Crocodile Under the Bed': Judith Kerr's follow-up to 'The Tiger Who Came to Tea'

The follow-up to 'The Tiger Who Came to Tea'

Judith Kerr on what inspired her latest animal intruder - 'The Crocodile Under the Bed' - which has taken 46 years to get into print
BBC Television Centre: A nostalgic wander through the sets, studios and ghosts of programmes past

BBC Television Centre

A nostalgic wander through the sets, studios and ghosts of programmes past
Lonesome George: Custody battle in Galapagos over tortoise remains

My George!

Custody battle in Galapagos over tortoise remains
10 best rucksacks for backpackers

Pack up your troubles: 10 best rucksacks for backpackers

Off on an intrepid trip? Experts from student trip specialists Real Gap and Quest Overseas recommend luggage for travellers on the move
Secret politics of the weekly shop

The politics of the weekly shop

New app reveals political leanings of food companies
Beam me up, Scottie!

Beam me up, Scottie!

Celebrity Trekkies from Alex Salmond to Barack Obama
Beware Wet Paint: The ICA's latest ambitious exhibition

Beware Wet Paint

The ICA's latest ambitious exhibition
Pink Floyd have produced some of rock's greatest ever album covers

Pink Floyd have produced some of rock's greatest ever album covers

Can 'The Endless River' carry on the tradition?
Sanctuary for the suicidal

Sanctuary for the suicidal

One mother's story of how London charity Maytree helped her son with his depression
A roller-coaster tale from the 'voice of a generation'

Not That Kind of Girl:

A roller-coaster tale from 'voice of a generation' Lena Dunham
London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice. In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence

London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice

In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence
Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with Malcolm McLaren

Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with McLaren

Designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Jourdan Dunn: Model mother

Model mother

Jordan Dunn became one of the best-paid models in the world