I'm A Celebrity is the ultimate Brexit voters' show: a gross, spectacle of people starving and bullying each other with added spiders

Watching Ant and Dec howling as Scarlett from Gogglebox swallows and vomits up a kangaroo’s bum-hole is Brexit in Excelsis. Call this snobbery if you will. I don’t make the rules

Click to follow
The Independent Online

As ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ rumbles back onto our screens this week, with a spin-off show hosted by Joe Swash and Stacey Solomon, it reminds me again that in our land so splintered by Brexit it’s so often possible to divide our national pursuits into relevant political camps. Eating a pork pie, watching an Air Festival is absolutely Brexit, while queuing for cha siu bao then watching Glenda Jackson’s King Lear is stone cold remain. Loving Gary Barlow on Strictly is High Brexit. Loving Gary Numan is low level remain. Enjoying the tricky cerebral mischief of Victoria Mitchell Coren’s Only Connect is remainus maximus. Watching Ant and Dec howling as Scarlett from Gogglebox swallows and vomits up a kangaroo’s bum-hole is Brexit in Excelsis. Call this snobbery if you will. I don’t make the rules. There merely happens to be a terrific overlap in the psychographic segmentation between ‘People who think Britain can survive exporting PG Tips and raspberry jam’ and ‘People who think Martin Roberts from Homes Under the Hammer in a bug shower is the peak of light entertainment’.

The same ten million people who tuned into last year’s premier episode hoping to see Duncan Bannatyne get into a terrible pickle with an outdoor latrine were the same types punching the air when Ian Beefy Botham entered the Brexit fray. They are a simple people, brimming with certitude. There’s a good reason Aunt Bessie’s Frozen foods are so keen to sponsor I’m a Celebrity because here’s an audience who talk a bloody game about a traditional British Sunday dinner, but do not have the gumption to peel a potato. Until recently the sponsor was Iceland Frozen Foods which again is telling. The sort of person who buys six frozen Rockefellar oysters for £2.49 and serves them on Christmas Day is the same sort who thinks Britain really has had enough of pesky experts, especially that Mark Carney fella.

Still, it’s worth ‘Bremoaners’ taking a peak at this year’s jungle intake to get a feel for how all entertainment will be after Hard Brexit, when the evil, partisan Beeb has been dismantled, and all the ever-so clever metropolitan elites with their scripts and their pitches have been chivvied to America. Or simply over to pay-per-view Sky Atlantic. Never fear because ITV’s I’m a Celeb will have likes of Olympic Hockey lovely Sam Quek soaping herself in a bikini and Britain’s Got Talent star Jordan Banjo providing, according to sources ‘eye candy for the ladies’. Lisa Snowdon will be prodded to talk once again about how she once she knew George Clooney. Wayne Bridge from Chelsea will be cajoled into grumbling about John Terry shagging his girlfriend. Brexit-voters crumpet Carole Vorderman will be stripping into a bikini and talking of her love of light aircraft. Larry Lamb, I’ll guess, will be totting up how long he needs to stay in order to take the pressure of his January tax bill.

I have no idea why Danny Baker, if this is indeed true, has agreed to go into jungle as, according to his Twitter, his main loves are a fine bottle of wine, listening to his vinyl and intelligent chat. This year’s winner will be Scarlett from Gogglebox. She is a chipper, loveable, working-class sparrow who loves a spray tan, a jogging pant and a nice night in with her mam. Scarlett will spend three weeks in the jungle gasping with heart-warming excitement at being able to spend time with big celebs such as soap hunk Adam Thomas. The pair will most probably fall in love and be on the cover of Hello magazine, showing off their new jungle-related weight loss at Christmas. This is the beating heart of Brexit Britain. Brick up the Channel Tunnel. We have everything we need.