Heads up: Top comment and controversy

A Monkey in space? What on earth was Roy Hodgson talking about? Read the transcript here

Was Roy Hodgson's space-monkey gag during half-time of the England Poland game racist?

Andros Townsend, Wayne Rooney and Stan Collymore all say no, but now you can make up your own mind by reading a transcript of the speech taken down by our undercover international footballing reporter.

You may be shocked by what you see...

 

Gentlemen –

These are trying times. Wojciech Szczesny looks a hard fellow to break and these Polish fan are beginning to get on my nerves.

Now, I’m not going to waste anyone’s time by talking tactics here, but suffice to say: we should pass the ball to Andros more often.

Plus, we've only got five minutes in here so I'm going to get straight to the important stuff.

Now I want to turn to the wisdom of Saul Bellow - nay, Philip Roth –for an analogy to explain my purpose.

I think it was in Portnoy’s Complaint that Roth claimed  “In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey”.

What did he mean?

Nothing, most likely.  But his words should give us all pause for thought.

(Pause)

So it’s time for all of you to ask yourself that age old question.

Am I a man? Or am I a monkey?

(Long Pause)

Because –  and I hasten to remind you – it's not men we’re looking for on this team. It’s monkeys flying through space (as I think I’ve made ABUNDANTLY clear in training).

So let's get back out there, strap our booster rockets on, and send these Poles back to Pluto!

(Pause followed by low muttering from audience)

Good luck in the second half boys. May the force be with you.

(Pause)

Any questions, wait behind at the end.

React Now

Read Next
 

Letter from the Political Editor: Phone and data laws to be passed in haste

Andrew Grice
The first lesson of today is... don't treat women unequally?  

Yvette Cooper is right: The classroom is the best place to start teaching men about feminism

Chris Maume
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting
Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

In the final part of our series, Chris Green arrives in Glasgow - a host city struggling to keep the politics out of its celebration of sport
Out in the cold: A writer spends a night on the streets and hears the stories of the homeless

A writer spends a night on the streets

Rough sleepers - the homeless, the destitute and the drunk - exist in every city. Will Nicoll meets those whose luck has run out
Striking new stations, high-speed links and (whisper it) better services - the UK's railways are entering a new golden age

UK's railways are entering a new golden age

New stations are opening across the country and our railways appear to be entering an era not seen in Britain since the early 1950s
Conchita Wurst becomes a 'bride' on the Paris catwalk - and proves there is life after Eurovision

Conchita becomes a 'bride' on Paris catwalk

Alexander Fury salutes the Eurovision Song Contest winner's latest triumph
Pétanque World Championship in Marseilles hit by

Pétanque 'world cup' hit by death threats

This year's most acrimonious sporting event took place in France, not Brazil. How did pétanque get so passionate?
10 best women's sunglasses

In the shade: 10 best women's sunglasses

From luxury bespoke eyewear to fun festival sunnies, we round up the shades to be seen in this summer
Germany vs Argentina World Cup 2014: Lionel Messi? Javier Mascherano is key for Argentina...

World Cup final: Messi? Mascherano is key for Argentina...

No 10 is always centre of attention but Barça team-mate is just as crucial to finalists’ hopes
Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer knows she needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

18-year-old says this month’s Commonwealth Games are a key staging post in her career before time slips away
The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

The German people demand an end to the fighting
New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
Can scientists save the world's sea life from

Can scientists save our sea life?

By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

Richard III review

Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice
Hollywood targets Asian audiences as US films enjoy record-breaking run at Chinese box office

Hollywood targets Asian audiences

The world's second biggest movie market is fast becoming the Hollywood studios' most crucial