Your guide to immigration rhetoric

Checked behind your sofa recently? Don’t - there will probably be a Romanian hiding there.

Indeed, the floodgates have opened and Britain is now heaving under a mass influx of Romanians and Bulgarians. Even Keith Vaz waiting at the UK border failed to put them off.

This quick and easy guide should help fuel your hysteria in the coming weeks. Use sparingly and feel free to mutter on the bus or train: whenever you feel a little bit cross really.

1) Tidal wave: This is the collective noun to be applied loosely to any group of foreigners, from two all the way up to staggering numbers of six or seven. The main reason to use this word is it makes foreigners sound scary, like a typhoon. And no one wants to be hit by a typhoon, do they?

See also 'mass influx' and ‘invasion’

2) ‘Bloody’: The only proper adjective to describe a foreigner.

3) Health Service: What many ignorant liberals don’t realise is that foreigners coming here on holiday for free treatment is the ONLY the reason you ever have need to queue for a doctor. (And if those whingeing lefties point to this study which says the number of foreign patients who pay to use the NHS each year could be twice as high as the number of so-called “health tourists” exploiting free healthcare in the UK, scoff and ask them if they want their children to die because an immigrant was having a free boob job.)

4) The British taxpayer. The only type of taxpayer. Because of course immigrants don’t pay taxes.

5) Benefits tourism: It is well known that the British welfare system is a ‘soft touch.’ Immigrants will be buying Range Rovers with the extensive benefits and revving their way to Waitrose for the free coffee as soon as they touch down. EU migrants definitely do not have to wait three months before they can claim Jobseeker's Allowance, certainly don't have to face a robust residence test before any further benefits claims, and it can’t be true that EU migrants also face having out-of-work benefits cut after six months unless they confirm they are genuinely seeking work.

6) 'Our jobs': If you are British then you will be aware that you are personally entitled to and skilled enough to perform every job in the UK. Not only that, but you can actually hold down this plethora of positions all at the same time. So you are totally within your rights to claim that foreigners are 'coming over here and taking all our jobs'.

7) Bongo bongo land: A place far, far away where the antelopes roam and sluts don't clean behind the fridge.

8) Scrounger/sponge: All immigrants are scroungers, coming over here merely to laze around and claim benefits. *

*apart from those taking all our jobs (see 'Our jobs')

9) Down the drain: The way this country's going

10) Spain: Where many of us have emigrated because it's much sunnier.