Just right for Christmas (but don't expect the company to exist in January)

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The Independent Online
Christmas is nearly here, so it's time for the first of our regular Christmas Bazaar Advertising Supplements. The following items can be obtained from us, and we guarantee unconditionally that all of them are manufactured by people who want to make a quick killing this Xmas and then change the name of their company or do a midnight flit.

The Esther Rantzen Obscene Vegetable Seed Pack is a gloriously funny tribute to a woman who would be forgotten by now were it not for her pioneering work in breaking the taboo against showing suggestively shaped vegetables on prime-time TV. All the seeds in this lewd load are guaranteed to produce phallic parsnips, Rabelaisian radishes, tumescent tomatoes, or other rampant legumes! NB: the rare person who is disturbed by suggestive greengrocery can ring Vegwatch for counselling; the phone number comes with each packet. pounds 40.99 for a jumbo pack.

Are you always losing the end of your sticky tape? Do you get out a roll of sticky tape and run your finger round one way, looking for the elusive end, then the other way, but always fail to detach anything that looks like the end? Which was so easy to find when you first started the roll ... All your troubles are over with Small 'n' Sticky rolls of tape. Every time you want a bit of adhesive tape, you simply start a new roll - then throw it away! Each pack contains 100 rolls, and there's only 10 inches of tape on each roll. You need never look for the end of the tape again - just chuck it in the bin and start a new one! Only pounds 79.99 a pack. Affordable and satisfying.

Many of us hanker for the old days when all matches were made in Britain, had Union flags on the front and a joke on the back. Recapture those days with a pack of Peel Off, Peel On, Sticky Back All-British Jokes! Simply peel a joke off the roll every time you buy a box of matches and stick it carefully to the back. pounds 12 a roll.

The doll for the grown-up with the sense of humour: the Australian Barbie Doll! Don't forget that in Australia "barbie" means only one thing - a barbecue. That's right - Australian Barbie Doll is a hunky man with a bloodstained apron and smoke-smeared cheeks, holding a kangaroo steak on a butcher's fork! If you take his outdoor clothes off, you'll find that his chest is cruelly scarred and tattooed. That's because he used to be Kanga, The Interplanetary Killer, and we couldn't sell many of them so we have reclothed him as the Australian Barbie Doll! pounds 29.99. (Does not come with fresh meat.) The Angus Deayton Dictionary of TV Phrase and Gesture is the ideal gift for a young relative hoping to go into television, become a star presenter and be paid up to pounds 1,000 a throw to open out-of- town wallpaper marts. It shows how you can get laughs by not saying anything but just turning and looking quizzically at the camera, raising one eyebrow, rolling your eyes demurely, etc. Contains a chart of hilarious phrases such as "No change there, then", "Allegedly", "Moving swiftly on", etc, pounds 25.99.

It's always a problem to know where to put your grass cuttings, isn't it? Not any longer! If you are running out of space to put your cuttings, and can't cope with any more suppurating green masses masquerading as compost heaps, what you need is Lawn Briquette Maker. Simply feed your grass cuttings into this powerful machine and it compacts each lawnmower load into a briquette two inches square. These can either be tipped at dead of night into your neighbour's garden or used as building blocks for your children, or even to make a small garden shed. pounds 280 for complete machine.

Ever felt nervous about sending a bottle of wine back in a restaurant or taking one back to a wine shop, because although it tastes foul you're not sure if it is corked or not? Miserable about facing the superior knowledge of the wine merchant? Worry no more! Armed with a Fungally Infected and Contaminated Cork nobody will contradict you. These corks (pounds 12 a dozen) are all split and diseased, red-stained and revolting. Slip one out of your pocket and hand it to the waiter or wine merchant together with the bottle, saying: "Something a bit wrong here, I think."

If you're like us, you probably feel seriously under-endowed when you open your wallet to pay a bill in a shop or a restaurant and reveal that you only have one or two credit cards. Now is the time for you or your loved ones to walk proud with VIP Pack o' Plastic! This is simply a stash of extra personal cards for you to put in your wallet, such as State of Texas Kidney Donor Card, the Bank of Eurodisney Long Loan Card, the Czech Touring Club Road Relay Card, the Reykjavik Casino Premier Gold Card, etc. They are all fake but they look as authentic as your own cards. Give someone a VIP present this year - Very Impressive Plastic! (from pounds 35 ...)

Another Christmas Bazaar Supplement soon!

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