Just the job: careers advice for budding hunt saboteurs, Spice Girls managers, train drivers ...

Share
Related Topics
Today's guest expert was to have been Earl Spencer, who was due to offer advice on your emotional and marital problems.

Unfortunately, negotiations about his fee broke down, and so instead I am glad to welcome Kevin Tiller, Professor of Employment Studies at Milton Keynes University, who is going to offer careers advice to younger readers. All yours, Prof!

I would like to be a journalist but I just don't know if I have got what it takes in this modern, competitive world.

Professor Tiller writes: OK, let's try a simple little test. What you have to do is think up a headline for a piece of news. Here's the news. Chris Evans buys up Virgin Radio. Right, what's the headline?

Ummmmm ... "Chris Evans Buys Up Virgin Radio"?

Professor Tiller writes: Oh, come on, lad! You can do better than that!

Ummmmm - I know! "Yes, it's Virginger Radio!"!

Professor Tiller writes: Excellent. Just what The Sun chose. You'll go far. And the next?

How do I set about being manager of the Spice Girls?

Professor Tiller writes: Hurry, hurry, hurry, while stocks last! Actually, if you want my advice, it would be much better to be ex-manager of the Spice Girls. Next!

How do I set about becoming a full-time hunt saboteur? Whenever I have gone after a meet, I have always enjoyed the camaraderie of the hunt, and the excitement of the chase, and I would like to devote more time to it.

Professor Tiller writes: Sadly, it is quite possible that Parliament may soon decide to ban hunting with dogs altogether, which will spell the end of the noble calling of the hunt saboteur, and turn loose on the countryside hundreds of unemployed and aimless ex-saboteurs. It would be a tragedy. I believe there are plans afoot to retrain them as angling saboteurs, though I personally would feel that snipping fishing lines in half and tipping tins of maggots into the water would not have the same thrill and romance as old-style hunt sabotage.

I would like to join the BBC and make programmes. How do I set about this?

Professor Tiller writes: I am not sure that the BBC is recruiting programme makers any more. It might be safer to join the BBC and become one of the men or women who scrutinise incoming programme proposals from independent producers.

Why?

Professor Tiller writes: Because then, if you spot a really good idea, you can write back to the independent producer and say that although it is a good idea, the BBC are, alas, already working on a very similar project.

But what if they aren't?

Professor Tiller writes: Oh, they always are. Or if they aren't, they very soon will be. Next!

I would like to be a train driver when I grow up.

Professor Tiller writes: You won't when you grow up. Next!

I would like to be the next Chris Evans.

Professor Tiller writes: See answer to last question. Next!

I would like to be the daughter of a well-known agony aunt who decides to satirise the pretensions of her mother's craft by going missing and precipitating a police search costing tens of thousands of pounds and then turning up days later perfectly safe and well, with the mother covering up her confusion by saying: "Oh, we knew she could look after herself all along," which rather begs the question of why mother alerted the police in the first place ...

Professor Tiller writes: You're living in a fantasy world. Things like this don't happen. Snap out of it, woman! Now, one last question, please!

When I grow up, I would like to be the man whose job it is to chase round the world after Richard Branson's big balloon when it goes off without him, or indeed without anyone on board at all, and I would chase it in my helicopter till I caught up with it and then I would radio back: "Balloon at 30,000ft over Kenya, heading out Indian Ocean at 80 knots, please advise!"

Professor Tiller writes: Thank goodness someone has got a practical, realistic game plan at last. You should do well.

Tomorrow: Grand Competition! Win one of Earl Spencer's old girlfriends!!

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Business Analyst - Surrey - Permanent - Up to £50k DOE

£40000 - £50000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***ASP.NET Developer - Cheshire - £35k - Permanent***

£30000 - £35000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***Solutions Architect*** - Brighton - £40k - Permanent

£35000 - £40000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

Senior Research Fellow in Gender, Food and Resilient Communities

£47,334 - £59,058 per annum: Coventry University: The Centre for Agroecology, ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Taking on Ukip requires a delicate balancing act for both main parties

Andrew Grice
Today is a bigger Shabbes than usual in the Jewish world because it has been chosen to launch the Shabbos Project  

Shabbes exerts a pull on all Jews, and today is bigger than ever

Howard Jacobson
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker