Leading Article: Hillary in her own write

Click to follow
The Independent Online
Yesterday Hillary Clinton's syndicated newspaper column appeared in the London 'Evening Standard'. It has been criticised as too bland. However, we have obtained a copy of the original first draft and reprint it here.

Hi voters! When my deputy press aide, Denton Snubbler III, first suggested that I write a weekly column to let y'all know the real inside story of the White House, I must admit I was doubtful. I mean, folks are so sensitive, don't you find? But Snubbs convinced me. "Let them know the real Hillary - the warm, motherly, non-interfering, presidential asset of a woman that we all see every day," he begged.

So here I am! Now every single day I get hundreds of letters about most everything, and every week I'll share with you the truthful answers to the questions that I get asked the most. Questions like this:

Q: You are obviously a woman of exceptional intelligence and drive. How do you cope with swanning about flashing a false smile, droning on about drapes? I'd love to know. Cherie B, Islington, London.

A: Read my lips, Cherie - I love drapes. Reinventing government is for sissies. Who wouldn't prefer Vuitton to Galbraith? Grin and bear it, sister.

Q: You must get to meet some fascinating people. Who has impressed you the most? KC, Hollywood.

A: Not Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa and Princess Lianna, that's for sure! Well, the truth is Kevin Costner, Sir Jim Major and the Yeltsins. Costner is drop-down gorgeous and - as they say in Little Rock - hung like a whale. Don't ever ask Sir Jim to explain cricket to you. As for Boris and Naina, what can you say about the guests who can invade a small country, sink three magnums of Moet and throw up over Barbra Streisand, all at the same reception?

Q: Do you all just love little Socks? Orlando aged 7, Wilmington.

A: Sure we do, honey. Just the other day Socks had a kitty sniffle. Now I love that cat so much that I put him in the station wagon, drove downtown and asked the vet to put an end to his suffering. Socks is in heaven, but Chelsea is in a mighty sulk.

Q: Is it true that you advise Bill about what clothes to wear? Britannia Portillo, Knightsbridge.

A: Like most men, my husband, sadly, is a slob. Never puts the seat up, thinks athlete's foot is a compliment and has the dress sense of a tapir. So I help out like any wife would. But I never kid myself that this makes me in some way superior. Honestly.

Well, that's it for now. See you next week.