Let Lord Rees-Mogg give some point to your journey

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The Independent Online
IF YOU are out and about on the roads this summer, and the children are playing up, and you're bored yourself, and there's nothing on the radio except boring rock and boring opera and boring Local Radio Traffic Hold-Ups, here's a new game of I-Spy] Every time you see one of the following, you get the number of points in brackets.

A motorway sign, saying

To Alton Towers (1)

Sorry For Any Delay (1)

Next Exit Closed (2)

Next Exit Closed Due To Lack Of Interest (10)

Possible Delays Ahead (0)

You Have Just Passed Alton Towers (10)

England Have Just Followed On In The Fifth Test (120)

Sorry About Alton Towers (20)

A sign outside a pub

Sorry, No Children (1)

Sorry, No Adults (400)

Under New Management (2)

Special Recession Lunch] (10)

Pub Open All Day (10)

Pub Shut All Day Due To Extortionate Brewery Rent (100)

Live Music Monday (1)

Paul McCartney World Tour (2)

Country road sign

Toads Crossing (40)

Main Road 85 3/4 Yards Ahead (39)

Build the Bypass Now] (10)

Last Folk Festival Before the

Motorway (20)

Go Home, Grockles (30)

Aaaaargh] (90)

Corn Circle Under Construction - Sorry For Any Delay (170)

Names of hairdressers in small towns

Head Master (10)

Mister Scissors (10)

Top Notch (20)

A Cut Above (20)

Locksmiths (30)

Repetitive Tress Syndrome (400)

Hair Apparent (200)

Square Cut (1)

Hedge Trimmers (300)

Cutting Edge (10)

Examples of wildlife on motorway verge

Poppies (10)

Rooks (15)

Ravens trained to say 'Next exit for Alton Towers]' (120)

Hedgehog back-up team (500)

Lorry tyres, abandoned (2)

Performing seals who have learnt to imitate lorry tyres (500)

Field of cannabis ( pounds 5m)

Ox-eye daisies - per thousand (100)

Daisy-eyed oxen (140)

Objects that cause one member of the family to say, 'Oh, look at that]', but it's gone by the time everyone else looks around

Flying saucer like an airborne 78rpm record (400)

Second World War plane carrying Major Glenn Miller (5,000)

Cloud with writing on it, which reads: 'Alton Towers, Next Exit' (50)

Concorde (50)

Vision of Lord Rees-Mogg in glory against the evening sky (147.5)

Rainbow along which is written 'United Colors of Benetton' (4,000)

Hot-air balloon (50)

Cold-air balloon (500)

Sporting activities glimpsed en passant

Cricket game in which nothing is happening (0)

Boules contest outside pub (5)

Cricket game in which the wicket keeper is throwing the ball back to the bowler (20)

Boules contest outside pub in which a fight has just broken out (80)

Cricket game in which you actually see the bowler bowling (120)

Boules contest in which several players are lying lifeless on the floor (200)

Cricket game in which the bowler is appealing to the umpire (150)

Boules contest in which the police have surrounded the pub (300)

Cricket game in which an umpire has sent a bowler off for over-

appealing (400)

Boules match with more than three outside television broadcast units in attendance (3,000)

Names of fish and chip shops in small regional towns

Your Plaice or Mine? (1)

The Captain's Table (1)

Captain Haddock (1)

The Seven Seas (1)

Does Cod Exist? (1)

Rotten Roe (1)

The Fat Friar (1)

Sea Natural (1)

The Chips Are Down (1)

Things sold along with videos in video shops

Video 'n' Wine (1)

Video 'n' Vindaloo (3)

Video 'n' Fish 'n' Chips (4)

Video 'n' Petrol (5)

Video 'n' Logs (6)

Video 'n' Precious Jade (300)

Video 'n' Rare Buddy Holly Records (400)

Video 'n' Pieces of the True Cross (1 million)