Sir: I have never smoked a cigar in my life, let alone been asked to become a founder member of the Havana Club (David Lister's Diary, 21 November). Neither do I wear a monocle, drink from pint glasses or harass waitresses. Not all lesbians do, you know.
Sexist and stereotypical slurs on my sexual persona I can take. But if you once more suggest that I would enter a room, let alone join a club, which houses those twin monstrosities Michael Caine and Bryan Adams, I will sue you severely.