`Major had a little Hogg', and other verse

Share
Related Topics
Many people have expressed interest in the discovery by my friend "Cocker" Leakey, the working-class anthropologist, that children in today's playgrounds are writing nursery rhymes with a political slant. They have asked me to ask him if there were any more where the last lot came from. So I did.

"More?" said Cocker, as we reclined over a pint of foaming best ale in the palaeontology pub, the Skull and Trowel. "I should say so. As much as you like. I mean, I showed you my Jeffrey Archer stuff last time, but there's just as much about Michael Howard. Try this one for starters."

He pulled this out of a pocket full of scraps of paper.

Michael Howard

Coward, coward,

Built lots and lots of jails

But figures for crime

Went up all the time

And that's how prison fails!

"Like it?" said Cocker. "Here's another."

Michael Howard went to court

For making laws he didn't ought.

Michael Howard, the judges said,

Should stand in the corner and hang his head.

Michael Howard shouted: "Fat chance!

I will lead you a merry dance!

Prison works! I'm God! Ole!"

So the men in the white coats took him away.

"Are all the rhymes about the Government?" I asked him. "Nothing about new Labour?"

"Not that many," said Cocker, "but I've found a few. Here's one modelled on Simple Simon...."

Harriet Harman

Met a barman

Out walking with her daughter

Said Harriet Harman to the barman

"Give her a glass of water!"

"Of course", said he,

"And will it be

Tap water from the mains?

Or would you prefer

Something more dear

Distilled from Scottish rains?"

Said she, "Oh no,

My H20

Must always come from the tap.

If I should dare

To go private, then Blair

Would surely give me a slap!"

"Actually," said Cocker, "I think nursery rhymes are like satire - it's always a damn sight easier to write about people in office. But this one's not bad."

Johnny, Johnny Prescott

Said, "Oh, look at me!

I've gone middle class now

- I've joined the bourgeoisie!"

Then the middle classes

Said to him: "You what?

You may think you're middle class

But you're bloody not!"

"Funny thing is, " said Cocker, as he signalled to the barman for another round, "Major and Blair are both so colourless that you don't find many rhymes about either. I've actually found more about Cherie than Tony Blair. Cherie, Cherie, Quite contrary, Which way will you vote? Militant? Old Socialist? Or won't you rock the boat?"

"Not great," I said.

"You don't go to nursery rhymes for greatness, my old elitist mate," said Cocker. "You go for immediacy. Try this."

Major had a little Hogg

For unanimity.

Whatever Mr Major said,

The Hogg said, "I agree!"

Mr Major kept his Hogg

Clean and free from fleas

Said Mr Major, "You mustn't catch

Any mad Hogg disease!"

So when the people saw the Hogg

Out of the bathtub climb,

They shouted out, with one accord,

"Look out! It's Hoggwash time!"

"I quite like that one," said Cocker. "But not as much as this one...."

Michael Michael

Heseltine

Said, "One day

This will all be mine!"

Waited around

For ages and ages

Then said: "Well, maybe

It will all be Major's."

"Are all these rhymes about the famous people?" I asked,

"Not necessarily. I've got one about Julian Critchley somewhere. Yes, here it is...."

Julian Critchley loved to joke

So he wasn't Margaret's sort of bloke

Julian Critchley was never a peer

Major thought it a bad idea.

Julian Critchley was like you and me.

So why did he ever become an MP?

"That's enough to be going on with," I said, but as I left I distinctly heard him singing:

"Virginia Bottomley

Was very comely.

Wasn't she lucky

Her name wasn't Bumley?"

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Massage Therapist / Sports Therapist

£12000 - £24000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A opportunity has arisen for a ...

Ashdown Group: Practice Accountant - Bournemouth - £38,000

£32000 - £38000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A successful accountancy practice in...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped commission: SThree: Does earning a 6 figu...

Recruitment Genius: SEO Executive

£18000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: A widow’s tale with an unexpected twist

John Rentoul
 

For all his faults, Russell Brand is utterly sincere, something politicians should emulate

Janet Street-Porter
The saffron censorship that governs India: Why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression

The saffron censorship that governs India

Zareer Masani reveals why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression
Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Supreme Court rules Dominic Grieve's ministerial veto was invalid
Distressed Zayn Malik fans are cutting themselves - how did fandom get so dark?

How did fandom get so dark?

Grief over Zayn Malik's exit from One Direction seemed amusing until stories of mass 'cutting' emerged. Experts tell Gillian Orr the distress is real, and the girls need support
The galaxy collisions that shed light on unseen parallel Universe

The cosmic collisions that have shed light on unseen parallel Universe

Dark matter study gives scientists insight into mystery of space
The Swedes are adding a gender-neutral pronoun to their dictionary

Swedes introduce gender-neutral pronoun

Why, asks Simon Usborne, must English still struggle awkwardly with the likes of 's/he' and 'they'?
Disney's mega money-making formula: 'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan

Disney's mega money-making formula

'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan
Lobster has gone mainstream with supermarket bargains for £10 or less - but is it any good?

Lobster has gone mainstream

Anthea Gerrie, raised on meaty specimens from the waters around Maine, reveals how to cook up an affordable feast
Easter 2015: 14 best decorations

14 best Easter decorations

Get into the Easter spirit with our pick of accessories, ornaments and tableware
Paul Scholes column: Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season

Paul Scholes column

Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season
Inside the Kansas greenhouses where Monsanto is 'playing God' with the future of the planet

The future of GM

The greenhouses where Monsanto 'plays God' with the future of the planet
Britain's mild winters could be numbered: why global warming is leaving UK chillier

Britain's mild winters could be numbered

Gulf Stream is slowing down faster than ever, scientists say
Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Donation brings total raised by Homeless Veterans campaign to at least £1.25m
Oh dear, the most borrowed book at Bank of England library doesn't inspire confidence

The most borrowed book at Bank of England library? Oh dear

The book's fifth edition is used for Edexcel exams
Cowslips vs honeysuckle: The hunt for the UK’s favourite wildflower

Cowslips vs honeysuckle

It's the hunt for UK’s favourite wildflower
Child abuse scandal: Did a botched blackmail attempt by South African intelligence help Cyril Smith escape justice?

Did a botched blackmail attempt help Cyril Smith escape justice?

A fresh twist reveals the Liberal MP was targeted by the notorious South African intelligence agency Boss