Married and still speaking, after a fashion

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When people have been married or living together for 10 or 20 years, what on earth do they find to say to each other? (asks an anxious reader who is about to get married). Well, anxious reader, I have done a survey over the years of the favourite dialogue used in the average happy marriage in different conversations and here, in no particular order, are a few of the commonest:

"That was never out - it was on the line!"

"I think we come off at the next exit."

"If you're driving home, I'll have another glass of wine."

"See what's on the other side."

"It's whose anniversary today?"

"Well, if John Cleese can't come down from London and open the fete for us, we could always try Michael Palin."

"Who was that waved to us just now?"

"I can't find the Sandwich Spread anywhere."

"I think that service was a let - take it again."

"You've missed our exit."

"I thought you were going to be driving home."

"Chuck the paper over if you've finished with it."

"Who was that waved to us just when?"

"It's in the fridge where it always is."

"It's no use writing to Michael Palin if he's off doing another of his diagonal-walks-round-the-world."

"That was never out!"

"It's our anniversary today?"

"I drove home from the Whitworths last week, remember? And you drank so much you were asleep when we got home? And I had to drive the babysitter home?"

"There's no news in the paper, except Camilla's party, if you call that news."

"See what's on the other side."

"We'll have to go to the next exit now."

"Why do we keep the Sandwich Spread in the fridge?"

"All the balls are down your end."

"The person in the car back there who waved to us."

"Do you think Angus Deayton opens fetes or do you think he's above that sort of thing now?"

"You quite fancy the babysitter, don't you?"

"She's not exactly a raving beauty, is she, old Camilla?"

"We don't normally give each other presents on our anniversary, do we?"

"Because it says on the label that when you open a jar of Sandwich Spread, you should keep it refrigerated, that's why!"

"I didn't see anyone wave to us."

"Where have you put the TV remote control?"

"The next exit is 20 miles away, for God's sake!"

"I think Angus Deayton would open anything for the right money."

"Are you suggesting that I drive the babysitter home because I fancy her?"

"Damned good thing too - if Camilla were a blonde bimbo, or another Diana, just think of the hoo-ha."

"We don't have to put jam or marmalade or Bovril or mustard in the fridge, so why Sandwich Spread?"

"What is the score, by the way?"

"You quite fancy Angus Deayton, don't you?"

"The person who waved and laughed at us as we drove past - I didn't recognise them so I thought it must be a friend of yours."

"Is that 40-15 to you or 40-15 to me?"

"Do you think if we came off at this service area we could find a secret back way out?"

"It was so embarrassing when you were signalling to me across the dinner table that you wanted to go home - everyone must have noticed!"

"I don't think I fancy Diana any more either."

"I've gone off the idea of Sandwich Spread now."

"Shall we call that a day for tennis?"

"Chuck the evening paper over, would you?"

"We could always watch a video, I suppose."

"All right, we'll play safe. We'll ask the Mayoress to open the fete again."

"I can't believe we've come into a service area to find a secret back way out, and now we're lost and you can't even find the way back to the motorway!"

"I didn't see anyone waving."

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