I've never been to Alton Towers
I've never been inclined
But I never saw a theme park
That was better signed.
Up every bloody motorway
Up every exit road
You can't go half a bloody mile
Without this sign being showed:
`Leave now for Alton Towers!
Get off the motorway!
Come inside for a bloody good time
And pay and pay and pay!'
Well, I've been up to Lancashire
And I been down to Kent,
And I once, by mistake, drove off to Wales,
But whichever way I went
I always passed, eventually,
A threatening sign which said:
`Pull off, you lucky motorist!
It's Alton Towers ahead!'
How can a place be everywhere?
North, south, east and west?
Sometimes near the Mersey,
Sometimes the River Test?
Does it move around a lot,
Travelling by night,
Looking for a more exciting
Moving like a camel train
Down the pitch-black M?
Giving drivers heart attacks
At 4 or 5am?
Or are there lots of Alton Towers
Scattered round the land?
Each by a different motorway?
That I could understand.
One for the East of England
Another for the West,
One more for the northerners
And one for all the rest.
Scattered across England,
Marching through the trees,
Like a line of pylons
Or Dutch Elm Disease!
I've motored near to Chester
And also near to Crewe,
And one has got a nice station
And the other's got a nice zoo
But both have got a signpost
Saying `Alton Towers nearby'
And all I want to know is,
Why oh why oh why?
I've driven in the daylight
And driven home at night
And seen this signpost everywhere
(Except the Isle of Wight)
`Alton Towers are coming!
Alton Towers are nigh!
We are the day of reckoning!
You must not pass by!'
Well, listen, Mr Alton,
Listen to me, pal!
I've never been to Alton
And I swear I never shall!
So why not put your theme park
On video or CD-rom?
And send me down the software
And I'll watch it all at home!
It is sometimes said you get no topicality in folk verse. Quite untrue, as shown by this fragment I overheard a busker singing at Fleet services ...
As I was going to Scarborough Fair
I saw a signpost standing there:
`Road to Scarborough Blocked Ahead
- Why not go somewhere else instead?'
`All right,' I thought, `and so I will.
I'll take a trip to old Box Hill.
That's a place I'd like to climb
- I'll do it now I have the time!'
But when I'd motored down to Kent
I saw to my astonishment
A sign saying `Box Hill closed today -
You can't come in - please go away!'
Well, call me stubborn, call me proud,
But all at once I said out loud:
`I know! I'll drive to Wenlock Edge
To see the primrose in the hedge!'
And so I jumped into my car
(Though Shropshire really is quite far )
And drove along the motorway
(Past signs all saying CLOSED TODAY)
Until I saw to my chagrin
A signpost standing somewhere in
The High Street in Much Wenlock town:
`Sorry - Wenlock Edge closed down!'
I stopped a friendly AA man
And said to him politely: `Can
You tell me what's ado?
Why is everywhere shut, and who
Is ultimately the man we thank?'
`The AA man said: "Barings Bank.
They have got all this in trust!
Now the buggers have gone bust!"Reuse content