On the day before tomorrow, some tender thoughts from little Ginger far away

Related Topics
My thanks to all those good and great who have taken space in the column this year to send their Valentine's Day messages. Not only does it bring me a tidy bit of income (and all tax-free!), it also saves me from having to write anything today. So here we go with our Grand St Valentine's Day Parade!

To Tonytumps - Bombs Awa y! You can come back to our little White House as often as you like! - his little Billikins.

LITTLE Tonykins - my very best wishes for doing everything I asked you to, and more! all my love, as long as you keep doing it! May the Sun keep provisionally shining on you ... Rupe

Salman ... we will meet again ... I am looking for you the whole time ... I am on your trail ... my aim is true ... from you know who ...

Darling -Though I am only five foot two, And wear a ginger beard, Although I'm very serious And look a trifle weird, Although I'm going bald on top And wear thick horny specs, It's lots of love from me to you, Your Ginger Foreign Sex ...

A reader writes: Dear Mr Kington, Don't tell me you're going to fill the whole column with these pathetic mock-political Valentines! Everyone does this, for heaven's sake! Can't you do something else.

Miles Kington writes: Like what?

A reader writes: Well, like turn your attention to some of the serious issues of the day!

Miles Kington writes: Like which?

A reader writes: Like the impending war with Saddam Hussein. Can you tell us what's going to happen?

Miles Kington writes: Sure. They can't declare military action against Saddam Hussein until they've decided on a name for the War.

A reader writes: A name?

Miles Kington writes: That's right. A war fought by the Americans has to be packaged first - all the press rights sold, all the advertising sewn up, film rights auctioned off in Hollywood, all the big dealers signed up. And the biggest problem is how to brand-name a war. Great War was a brilliant name for a war. So was World War, even though a lot of the world wasn't involved in any world war. Cold War was a brilliant name for a peace, too. The trouble is, they've been through all this before when they liberated Kuwait, and so this time all the good names like Gulf War and Desert Storm have already been used up. They can't call it Gulf War II or Son of Gulf War, because they know that sequels never do as well. So it's not Robin Cook they're waiting for - they can't start bombarding Iraq till they have got the name they need.

A reader writes: Hmmm ... Talking of Robin Cook, Gaynor is a funny kind of name, isn't it? Have you ever come across a woman called Gaynor?

Miles Kington writes: Yes. The film actress, Mitzi Gaynor.

A reader writes: Oh, right ...! Funny kind of name, Mitzi. Ever come across another woman ...?

Miles Kington writes: Look, if you haven't got any intelligent questions, can I get back to my Valentine's Day messages ?

A reader writes: Yes, just one more question. What kind of a name was Dodi ? Was there any Englishman who ever had a name like that ?

Miles Kington: Yes. Ken Dodd.

A reader writes: Ken Dodd isn't much like Dodi.

Miles Kington writes: No, but Dodd is known familiarly up North as Doddy, and in fact when Diana first started going out with Dodi, most of the North of England thought she was going out with Ken Dodd. Some still do, as a matter of fact, and that headline the other day, "I had Dodi's baby", caused a great fuss in parts of Lancashire. Any more questions ?

A reader writes: No. You can get back to your tired old Valentine Day parodies now.

Miles Kington writes: Thanks ... Queen Mumski ... Cheers! Bottoms up! Let's drink to it ... Whoops! ... love from Boriskins ... RICHARD BRANSON I love you I love you I love you! ! from Richard Branson ...

Continued next year

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: 3rd Line Virtualisation, Windows & Server Engineer

£40000 - £47000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A 3rd Line Virtualisation / Sto...

Recruitment Genius: Refrigeration and Air Conditioning Service Engineer

£26000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A successful national service f...

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Executive / Sales - OTE £25,000

£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join ...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator - Fixed Term Contract

£17500 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We currently require an experie...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Army reservist Corporal James Dunsby  

Whether it’s in the City, the Army or at school, this ritual sadism has to stop

Chris Blackhurst
Caitlyn Jenner, the transgender Olympic champion formerly known as Bruce, unveiled her new name on Monday  

'I'm the happiest I've been for a long time and I finally know where I fit': Here's why role models matter for trans kids

Susie Green
Sepp Blatter resignation: The beginning of Fifa's long road to reform?

Does Blatter's departure mean Fifa will automatically clean up its act?

Don't bet on it, says Tom Peck
Charles Kennedy: The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

Charles Kennedy was consistently a man of the centre-left, dedicated to social justice, but was also a champion of liberty and an opponent of the nanny-state, says Baroness Williams
Syria civil war: The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of this endless conflict

The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of Syria's endless civil war

Sahar Qanbar lost her mother and brother as civilians and government soldiers fought side by side after being surrounded by brutal Islamist fighters. Robert Fisk visited her
The future of songwriting: How streaming is changing everything we know about making music

The future of songwriting

How streaming is changing everything we know about making music
William Shemin and Henry Johnson: Jewish and black soldiers receive World War I Medal of Honor amid claims of discrimination

Recognition at long last

Jewish and black soldiers who fought in WWI finally receive medals after claims of discrimination
Beating obesity: The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters

Beating obesity

The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters
9 best women's festival waterproofs

Ready for rain: 9 best women's festival waterproofs

These are the macs to keep your denim dry and your hair frizz-free(ish)
Cycling World Hour Record: Nervous Sir Bradley Wiggins ready for pain as he prepares to go distance

Wiggins worried

Nervous Sir Bradley ready for pain as he prepares to attempt cycling's World Hour Record
Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

On your feet!

Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

The big NHS question

Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

Thongs ain't what they used to be

Big knickers are back
Thurston Moore interview

Thurston Moore interview

On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
In full bloom

In full bloom

Floral print womenswear
From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

From leading man to Elephant Man

Bradley Cooper is terrific