Order your Goldsmith fright mask now!

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Well, it's never too early to think about Christmas shopping - actually, it's almost too late already - so here without further ado is our own Christmas catalogue, with gift ideas that you can ONLY get through this column! Happy browsing, and I hope you find something you need.

Electronic Whoopee Cushion

The great disadvantage of the old-style whoopee cushion is that it only made a noise, and only one noise at that, when the victim actually sat down. With the new electronic, remote-controlled whoopee cushion you can actually choose your moment! The victim sits on the cushion and relaxes, and just when he/she settles down, you can use your remote control to activate one of the five pre-selected noises from deep within the cushion! He/she won't know what's happening! Your choice of noises is traditional farting raspberry/phone ringing/ambulance/mad laughter/theme from Also Sprach Zarathustra (music from 2001). Hours of fun guaranteed: pounds 59.99 (batteries not included).

Barbecue Fire Extinguisher

Sometimes that barbecue fire gets out of control, maybe when a hamburger flares up or you splash on too much of that tamale sauce, and then it seems the only way to put the fire out is to throw buckets of water on it. But that's pretty naff, isn't it? And makes you look like you're a real town nerd? So the smart way to douse a barbecue blaze is to direct a Barbecue Fire Extinguisher at it. Why? Because Barbecue Fire Extinguishers look just like large Tomato Ketchup Dispensers, so nobody will realise what you are doing. And since the extinguishing fluid is flavoured with rosemary, there are no nasty after-niffs: pounds 29.99 (batteries not included).

Jimmy Goldsmith Fright Mask

At Hallowe'en, Christmas or other scary events, why not give your friends the fright of their lives by wearing a Jimmy Goldsmith flexi-mask and jumping out and shouting: "Brussels says DIE!" Also available in Ken Clarke, John Prescott or Neil Kinnock Horror Masks: pounds 12.99. Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson: pounds 16.99.

Autumn Leaf Recycler

Every autumn we have huge piles of damp left-over autumn leaves, brown and and horrible. If they weren't so wet, you could burn them. If there weren't so many of them, you could bury them. Now here's the ideal answer! Just feed them into the Autumn Leaf Recycler - and they get recycled as Yellow Pages phone directories! Yes, all that autumn foliage is economically and ecologically reproduced as an out-of-date Yellow Pages Directory which can be left outside for the dustman to take away and dispose of. From pounds 46.99, depending on capacity. (Not including batteries.)

Pack of British Rail seat reservation tickets

There may not be many areas of British life left where honour is respected. Batsmen who know they are out do not walk until given out. Theatre drinks left for the interval are now nicked by unscrupulous freeloaders. It is even known for people to queue-barge (especially old ladies). But one thing that is still sacred is the rail seat reservation. People simply do not sit in train seats which have tickets affixed to them. So why not affix your own lookalike rail seat reservation tickets to the seat of your choice and unashamedly take it, even if it means removing someone else's reservation? Almost indistinguishable from the real thing: pounds 11.99, pack of five.

Facsimile Hands-up Surrender Kit

Let's say you're running a rural post office. Or a suburban off-licence. Or a small petrol station just off the A36. Suddenly a masked intruder comes rushing in holding an imitation firearm and shouts: "Hands up! This is a raid! No, I'm serious! I may look young and nervous but I could easily blow your head off! This could be a lookalike firearm but it could also be genuine! You can't take a chance can you? So hands up and give us all your money!" What do you do? Well, the odds are you give in and hand over the money. But not if you have our Christmas gift catalogue Facsimile Hands Up Surrender Kit! This lifelike apparatus looks so like a pair of hands that when you put them up, your assailant will immediately relax. This will leave you free to pull YOUR firearm from its hiding place and blast HIM to pieces!

Food Stain Tie For Messy Eaters

Maximum embarrassment can be caused by getting a food stain on your tie early in the day - tomato or egg, for instance. But on THIS food stain motif tie it will never be noticed! Copied directly from a design by Jackson Pollock, the American pioneer who dribbled paint direct on the canvas - ie, who painted in the same way some people eat! - this tie is not only a striking design but never shows any food stains! Can be dry-cleaned - or left just the way it is! Only pounds 29.99. For the man in your life who drops everything ... Order now. Just send a blank cheque and leave the rest to us.