Prune Marketing Board PR Person: Thank you for making this meeting at such short notice. I think everybody understands its importance.
Oleaginous & Blather Creative: To unlock the analytical discipline of the creative approach to the development and communication of the strategy?
Man from the Prune: You could put it that way. I'd prefer crisis management.
Blather: Let's not forget we had to overcome the product's negative emotional value.
Prune Person: If we're going to start apportioning blame, I think we should go back to your original response to our brief ...
Blather: To promote the prune ...
Prune Person: Frankly, I've never ben happy with your slogan, "Everything we do is driven by you." It doesn't even scan.
Blather: Well, you know we'd have preferred, "Everything we poo is driven by you." Better product saliency.
Prune Person: For goodness' sake, you're still thinking in those old prunist terms. You know perfectly well that the prune is healthy, delicious and value for money - Nineties values essentialised. And don't forget a prune is simply a dried plum. Plums have never had an image problem.
Blather: Plums have got more appetite appeal. Juicy, plump ...
Prune Person: All right, all right. But your timing couldn't have been worse. Prune juice is hardly a hearty winter drink, is it?
Blather: We were hoping for a "Snowbound Pregnant Woman Survives On Prunes" story.
Prune Person: Instead we got, "Prunes Were Last Straw In Trolley Rage Slaying".
Blather: What about the Scott report? Even prunes are more fun than Scott.
Prune Person: There you go again, badmouthing the product. Actually, I'm talking about Pancake Day.
Blather: Prunes and Lent are a natural pair. Plus, the prune fillings promotion has been a bookmarker. Goat's cheese and prune won the best filling competition on Radio Dyfed's cookery slot.
Prune Person: What about the Sainsbury's magazine debacle? Prune and sun-dried tomato paste? Prune and rocket salad? Chargrilled squid with prune croutons? Delia Smith is furious.
Blather: We were simply trying to inject a little zip into the campaign. Your brief was to get those 16-24s.
Prune Person: Which brings us to the Brit awards ...
Blather: We couldn't get The Girlie Show.
Prune Person: The "pruning" of Michael Jackson was a disgrace.
Blather: Pulp are the biggest thing since the Beatles. If they endorse the product, we could achieve information dominance.
Prune Person: Jarvis Cocker did not "endorse" the product, he threw it at Michael Jackson.
Blather: It was a sessionable multi-use event delivering refreshment and style value. A question of pouring out the cream and seeing if the cat licks it up.
Prune Person: And now the poster debacle. A line-up of dried fruit ...
Blather: Helmut Newton did a bookmark of a job.
Prune Person: Apricots, dates, figs, raisins, sultanas, currants ... Positive association was the term you used, I believe.
Blather: We ran it up the flagpole, you saluted.
Prune Person: That was the original image.
Blather: Our research people were up against it. Every group was showing negative associations: old people; constipation ...
Prune Person: So you got rid of them completely and replaced them with dried mangos!
Blather: Our product would still have benefited by association.
Prune Person: Association? It's a complete crisis! In the words of the general secretary of the Fruit Workers Union, "This is an appalling situation which reveals the depths of prunist attitudes in our society."
Blather: Our strategy -
Prune Person: Hundreds of workers have walked out of fruit plants, causing pounds 2.8m in lost production ...
Blather: OK. It was a mistake.
Prune Person: A mistake? You can have any dried fruit you want as long as it's not prunes.
Blather: We're off the account, I take it.
Prune Person: Get me Max Clifford ... Max? We've got a crisis ...