Pre-Millennium Tension? More ways to stop worrying and start living

Share
Related Topics
We are continuing today our counselling session for those thousands of you who are suffering from PMT or Pre-Millennium Tension - in other words, those who are getting more and more anxious as the year 2000 approaches.

Who, typically, suffers the most from PMT?

Well, the ones who make the loudest noises of suffering are governments. They know they are expected to do something about the turn of the century. They have no idea what it is. Already the Tories have made a mess of millennium plans and now Labour is doing the same thing, with frenzied talk of domes. The idea of a 100ft high statue of Peter Mandelson in Greenwich is, to my way of thinking, the last straw.

Who has suggested that?

Nobody has. All I am saying is that the idea of a 100ft high statue of Peter Mandelson in Greenwich is, to my way of thinking, the last straw.

Ah. Right. Fair enough. What are other governments thinking of doing to commemorate the dawn of the next century?

Nothing very interesting. The Swiss government is authorising the issue of a new Swiss Army penknife with an indoor firework attachment. The Pope has issued an edict calling for the slaughter of all the first-born ...

Why has he done that?

Sorry, my mistake. He has issued an edict asking people NOT to slaughter the first-born. The Finns have asked all their citizens to stay sober for a change. The Americans have requested all their allies not to let Cuba enter the 21st century. The Germans plan to leave vast millennium towels overnight on premier beaches in Phuket, New Zealand, Scarborough, the Costa del Sol ...

As a matter of interest, what kind of celebrations did we have for it in 1900?

Well, don't forget that 1900 wasn't the end of a millennium, only of a century.

Right. So what kind of celebrations did we have at the end of a century ?

Not much. We had already had huge celebrations in 1897 to mark the sixtieth year of Victoria's reign, and people were pretty bored with parades by 1900. They also thought that if things got very exciting again in 1900, Queen Victoria might have a heart attack and die, and then Prince Edward would take over.

Would that be bad?

Oh, yes. Prince Edward was a multiple adulterer.

Is that bad?

Oh, yes. It is worse than being a single adulterer. Imagine if Queen Alexandra had gone on TV like Diana and accused her husband of infidelity. She would have said: "It is very difficult staying married when there are over 50 people in a marriage ..."

Who is Queen Alexandra?

You seriously don't know?

Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. I am simply making the point that she doesn't matter any longer. Anyway, we seem to have strayed a long way from the millennium ...

Ah! That proves you're getting better! You're stopping thinking about it already! You've stopped worrying about how to plan for it!

Come to mention it, how do you think I should plan for it?

Well, if I were you, I would give up all plans of trying to be the first in the next century, as some people plan to do by booking hotel rooms just across the International Date Line.

I'm with you there.

I would give up all ideas of trying to dodge from one century to another by hiring a plane and flying to and fro across the International Date Line.

Nice one!

Anyway, that idea was dreamt up years ago by Alexander Frater in Punch, when he described Christmas on board a South Seas tramp ship which dodged back into Christmas Day from Boxing Day by going back across the International Date Line on Dec 26th ...

Is that true?

Of course. Any other questions?

Yes. What are YOU going to be doing for the millennium?

Me? I'm going to be hiring a room in a hotel on the OTHER side of the International Date Line, as close to it as possible, and I'm going to try to be the last person in the world who is still living in the old century, while everyone else has gone charging forward into the next one.

Isn't that a bit pointless?

Yes, but the whole thing is bloody pointless! And the fact that you've noticed means you may well be on the way to recovering from PMT! Give me another cheque and come and see me again tomorrow ...

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Apprentice IT Technician

£150.00 per week: QA Apprenticeships: This company is a company that specializ...

1st Line Technical Service Desk Analyst IT Apprentice

£153.75 per week: QA Apprenticeships: This company is an innovative outsourcin...

1st Line Helpdesk Engineer Apprentice

£150.00 per week: QA Apprenticeships: This company has been providing on site ...

Sales Associate Apprentice

£150.00 per week: QA Apprenticeships: We've been supplying best of breed peopl...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor’s Letter: The Sussex teenager killed fighting in Syria

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Actor Zac Efron  

Keep your shirt on Zac – we'd all be better for it

Howard Jacobson
How I brokered a peace deal with Robert Mugabe: Roy Agyemang reveals the delicate diplomacy needed to get Zimbabwe’s President to sit down with the BBC

How I brokered a peace deal with Robert Mugabe

Roy Agyemang reveals the delicate diplomacy needed to get Zimbabwe’s President to sit down with the BBC
Video of British Muslims dancing to Pharrell Williams's hit Happy attacked as 'sinful'

British Muslims's Happy video attacked as 'sinful'

The four-minute clip by Honesty Policy has had more than 300,000 hits on YouTube
Church of England-raised Michael Williams describes the unexpected joys in learning about his family's Jewish faith

Michael Williams: Do as I do, not as I pray

Church of England-raised Williams describes the unexpected joys in learning about his family's Jewish faith
A History of the First World War in 100 moments: A visit to the Front Line by the Prime Minister's wife

A History of the First World War in 100 moments

A visit to the Front Line by the Prime Minister's wife
Comedian Jenny Collier: 'Sexism I experienced on stand-up circuit should be extinct'

Jenny Collier: 'Sexism on stand-up circuit should be extinct'

The comedian's appearance at a show on the eve of International Women's Day was cancelled because they had "too many women" on the bill
Cannes Film Festival: Ken Loach and Mike Leigh to fight it out for the Palme d'Or

Cannes Film Festival

Ken Loach and Mike Leigh to fight it out for the Palme d'Or
The concept album makes surprise top ten return with neolithic opus from Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson

The concept album makes surprise top ten return

Neolithic opus from Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson is unexpected success
Lichen is the surprise new ingredient on fine-dining menus, thanks to our love of Scandinavian and Indian cuisines

Lichen is surprise new ingredient on fine-dining menus

Emily Jupp discovers how it can give a unique, smoky flavour to our cooking
10 best baking books

10 best baking books

Planning a spot of baking this bank holiday weekend? From old favourites to new releases, here’s ten cookbooks for you
Jury still out on Manchester City boss Manuel Pellegrini

Jury still out on Pellegrini

Draw with Sunderland raises questions over Manchester City manager's ability to motivate and unify his players
Ben Stokes: 'Punching lockers isn't way forward'

Ben Stokes: 'Punching lockers isn't way forward'

The all-rounder has been hailed as future star after Ashes debut but incident in Caribbean added to doubts about discipline. Jon Culley meets a man looking to control his emotions
Mark Johnston: First £1 million jackpot spurs him on

Mark Johnston: First £1 million jackpot spurs him on

The most prize money ever at an All-Weather race day is up for grabs at Lingfield on Friday, and the record-breaking trainer tells Jon Freeman how times have changed
Ricky Gervais: 'People are waiting for me to fail. If you think it's awful, then just don't watch it'

Ricky Gervais: 'People are waiting for me to fail'

As the second series of his divisive sitcom 'Derek' hits screens, the comedian tells James Rampton why he'll never bow to the critics who habitually circle his work
Mad Men series 7, TV review: The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge

Mad Men returns for a final fling

The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge
Google finds a lift into space will never get off the ground as there is no material strong enough for a cable from Earth into orbit

Google finds a lift into space will never get off the ground

Technology giant’s scientists say there is no material strong enough for a cable from Earth into orbit