Proud to work with such great political minds

The Agreeable World of Wallace Arnold

Share
Related Topics
YES, our team is now up and running. After a hectic weekend of debate by our brave band of Eurosceptics (incidentally, a pub near Braintree reports that it has been banned from selling its Traditional Pig Nostril Pie without first cooking the nostrils - yet another example of EEC bureaucracy gone mad!) it finally fell to me to telephone little John Redwood to tell him that he had been selected as our candidate.

Our press conference on Monday was a huge success. You may have noticed me standing behind John Redwood, three along from Mrs Gorman, one down from the formidable Captain of Industry Mr Ernest Saunders. In the past few days, we have been deluged with offers of support from a great many distinguished political minds, among them Mr Harvey Proctor, Mr Michael Winner, Mr Ronald Kray, Mr Andrew Neil, Mr Simon Dee, Mr Mark Thatcher, Mr Ronald Knight and Mr Reginald Presley.

I am also proud to announce that the distinguished broadcaster Mr David Icke last night chose to throw his considerable weight unconditionally behind the Redwood campaign, following a firm pledge from Mr Redwood to set up a Ministry of Atlantis and Crop Circles before Christmas.

The Members of Parliament already on our side represent a formidable challenge to the dwindling Major camp. They include Mr Norman Lamont, who resigned from the Cabinet on a point of principle, Mrs Edwina Currie, who resigned from the Ministry of Health on a point of principle, and Mr Edward Leigh, who resigned from the Ministry of Trade on a point of principle. Let me add that I have had a high regard for Mr Edward Leigh ever since he first approached me to help him correct the spelling of "intelectual riger" in an article he was writing for the Spectator magazine detailing the reasons behind his resignation.

Needless to say, speculation is already rife as to who will be given what in the first Redwood Cabinet. Personally, I strongly tip Mrs Gorman for the post of Foreign Secretary - she greatly enjoyed her trip to Marbella last year - and Mr Norman Lamont will be back as Chancellor, where he will be able to repeat his previous success. I recommend, too, a good each-way bet on the promotion of the redoubtable Mr Tony Marlow to Home Secretary, a job which will give him the chance to put into operation his innovative plans for arming all milkmen and transforming the National Theatre into a long-term prison for television-licence defaulters.

May I offer you a tantalising "fly-on-the-wall" glimpse of what went on "behind the scenes" at the launch of Johnny Redwood's campaign manifesto? I thought it judicious to place my trusty tape-machine on the campaign table to record the proceedings for posterity. The following transcript affords a rare glimpse of history in the making:

John Redwood: We've only got 10 minutes. Anyone got any great ideas about policy?

David Evans: Arm them - and shoot to kill.

John Redwood: Actually, I said policy, David. Great idea though. Keep it up!

Mrs Gorman: The thing that always bugs me is the way you can never get everything you want into a single handbag. It's an area that's crying out for legislation - and we'll carry all the lady voters with us.

John Redwood: Bigger handbags for all, yes, yes. Certainly something to think about. Anyone else?

Tony Marlow: Didn't I read somewhere that the Royal Yacht is for the chop? Bloody shame.

John Redwood: Excellent! We'll make the retention of Britannia the main platform of our manifesto - that'll win over the waverers!

Edward Leigh: How about something on Europe? Last time I went to Paris, the mini-bar was a disgrace!

David Evans: Couldn't we kill more people, John? Bit of capital punishment wouldn't go amiss.

John Redwood: Marvellous! But we'd better say only if the defendant's found guilty.

David Evans: Hmmm. Don't know about that.

John Redwood: Just for the time being, David. Looks like we've got more than enough policy for now.

Wallace Arnold: Sorry to hurry you, John, but the Press are all assembled! This way!

For a fuller description of the Redwood campaign, I would urge you to read my official biography, to be published this autumn, Giant Redwood: Portrait of a Prime Minister.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Senior Digital Marketing Consultant

£28000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Senior Digital Marketing Cons...

Recruitment Genius: Assistant Stores Keeper

£16640 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An Assistant Stores Keeper is r...

Recruitment Genius: Claims Administrator

£16000 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an excellent opportunit...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developer - C# / ASP.NET / SQL

£17000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Developer required to join a bu...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Mosul falls: Talk of Iraq retaking the town, held by IS since June, is unconvincing  

Isis on the run? The US portrayal is very far from the truth

Patrick Cockburn
 

General Election 2015: You’re welcome to join us on the campaign's final straight

Lisa Markwell
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
Welcome to the world of Megagames

Welcome to the world of Megagames

300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

Vince Cable exclusive interview

Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
Russell Brand's interview with Ed Miliband has got everyone talking about The Trews

Everyone is talking about The Trews

Russell Brand's 'true news' videos attract millions of viewers. But today's 'Milibrand' interview introduced his resolutely amateurish style to a whole new crowd
Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

It's time for my close-up

Meet the man who films great whites for a living
Increasing numbers of homeless people in America keep their mobile phones on the streets

Homeless people keep mobile phones

A homeless person with a smartphone is a common sight in the US. And that's creating a network where the 'hobo' community can share information - and fight stigma - like never before
'Queer saint' Peter Watson left his mark on British culture by bankrolling artworld giants

'Queer saint' who bankrolled artworld giants

British culture owes a huge debt to Peter Watson, says Michael Prodger
Pushkin Prizes: Unusual exchange programme aims to bring countries together through culture

Pushkin Prizes brings countries together

Ten Scottish schoolchildren and their Russian peers attended a creative writing workshop in the Highlands this week
14 best kids' hoodies

14 best kids' hoodies

Don't get caught out by that wind on the beach. Zip them up in a lightweight top to see them through summer to autumn
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The acceptable face of the Emirates

The acceptable face of the Emirates

Has Abu Dhabi found a way to blend petrodollars with principles, asks Robert Fisk