Put a stop to these lily-livered TV confessionals

THE AGREEABLE WORLD OF WALLACE ARNOLD

Share
Related Topics
BETWEEN ourselves I have never cared a great deal for Mr Robert Kilroy-Silk. The surname alone induces suspicion. If I were to re-title myself Wallace Arnold-Silk, would my views be received with the seriousness they are now? I think not. And what if Lord Rees-Mogg were to issue a proclamation demanding to be known in future as Lord Rees-Mogg-Silk? I doubt a single one of us would wish to devote our attention to his views on the world economy. Lady Antonia Fraser-Silk? Sir Peregrine Worsthorne- Silk? No: this whole silk business has quite simply gone too far.

I mention this slippery individual because I am set to become his most deadly rival. Following the success of Kilroy and the even greater success of Vanessa, I have been persuaded by Channel 5 to venture into the same market myself. Arnold! and its companion consumer programme, Arnold Watchdog, begin their first series on the dread gogglebox tomorrow.

Or course, I don't expect the average reader of this column to have the foggiest idea of what on earth I am on about. Suffice it to say that both Kilroy-Silk and Miss (Msss!) Vanessa Feltz are forced to spend anything up to an hour a day listening to "ordinary members of the public" (dread species!) as they whine, moan, gossip and gripe. What a gruesome way to spend one's morning, I hear you say! But there you would be wrong, for I hear that both Silk and Feltz earn several million pounds a minute for bending their ears to listen to this awful shower.

My own mid-morning programmes will be very different kettles of fish. On my new consumer show, Arnold Watchdog, I will be rooting out ordinary members of the public who have written in with complaints about door-to- door salesmen, travel operators and second-hand car dealers. I feature one such ordinary lady on our first show, a Mrs Dawdrey from Saffron Walden in Essex.

"Mrs Dawdrey," I begin, "you wrote to us complaining that your new double- glazing costs more than you expected and it lets in the draughts."

"That's right, Wallace."

"Mr Arnold to you," I reply, "and now you have the nerve to come in here to grumble in public about a poor, hard-working double-glazing salesman just because he proved more than a match for the likes of you! Be off with you, woman!"

As the dread Dawdrey slopes off, I ask our "Salesman of the Week" to step forward, a Mr Pendlebury from The Kettle Warehouse in Andover. He tells the audience how in one week, simply through an imaginative amalgam of fibs, lies, and half-truths, he has achieved over 12 sales of faulty household appliances, including a poorly-wired toaster and a vacuum cleaner with no suction whatever. I congratulate him on this initiative and award him our special "Salesman of the Week" gold chain - plus a holiday for two on the island of Majorca!

And so to my other new family favourite, Arnold!. In this show I wander through a hand-picked studio audience, in much the same manner as Silk and Feltz, but with one vital difference - I have no time for the moaning ninnies! While Silk introduces programmes such as "He'll Leave Me if I Don't Lose Weight", and Feltz introduces programmes along the lines of "I Fell in Love with a Shop Dummy," and "I Murdered my Daughter's Hamster", my own subjects take a very different tone.

Early topics scheduled for Arnold! include "I Can't Stop Droning On", and "I've Got Nothing Better to Do with my Life than to Apply for Free Tickets to this Programme". I need hardly add that, as I lean towards them with my microphone, these ordinary members of the public are guaranteed a wholly unsympathetic ear. "Get on with it!" "That's enough from you, matey!" and "How much more of this can one stand?" are becoming my most popular catchphrases.

So Silky, look to your laurels! I have no doubt that the discerning viewer will welcome my more robust approach. And Channel 5 promises me that if these two series prove a success, I can launch a brand new show to rival the Richard and Judy team. Wallace and Sir Roy, featuring myself and the ever-youthful Sir Roy Strong should be on your sets early in the New Year. Premiere item? A robust phone-in on the early works of Anthony Powell! Marvellous!

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

English Teacher

£4848 - £33600 per annum: Randstad Education Manchester Secondary: Outstanding...

Cover Supervisors/Teaching Assistants Secondary Schools in York

Negotiable: Randstad Education Leeds: Cover Supervisors/Long Term Teaching Ass...

Science Teacher

£20000 - £30000 per annum: Randstad Education Leeds: Secondary Science Teacher...

Cover Supervisor

£55 - £70 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Cover Supervisors needed for seco...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: EU news, and other reasons to be cheerful

John Rentoul
The influx of hundreds of thousands of eastern European workers has significantly altered the composition of some parts of Britain  

Immigration is the issue many in Labour fear most

Nigel Morris
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker