Put on that patch, take off a tattoo

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The Independent Online
CALLING Everyone With Unwanted Tattoos]

Would you like to go back to the way you were before?

Would you like to have skin that was pure and unalloyed all over?

Wouldn't you really, sincerely, want to get rid of that tattoo you unwisely acquired in a moment of weakness?

When you had that butterfly, or dragon, or photograph of your old homestead, lightly tattooed upon your left buttock or right shoulder, thinking it might one day get you on the cover of Tatler or Vogue, weren't you dreadfully aware, deep down, that you were stuck with it and there was no known way of getting rid of a tattoo?

Well, there wasn't.

Not, that is, till now. But now science has evolved a method which is fully guaranteed to remove that unwanted tattoo.

It is called the Tattoo Patch.

You just put it on your skin and the tattoo vanishes.

Not immediately.

Not very soon.

But by and by, soon enough, in a wee while, in the fullness of time, that tattoo vanishes.

Thanks to Tattoo Patch.

Which you just put on and leave.

The method used by Tattoo Patch to get rid of your unwanted tattoos is simplicity itself. Using old, tested and traditional family-style values, Tattoo Patch simply lets your tattoo melt into your bodily system and be absorbed by the healing powers of nature itself. No matter how big or unsightly your tattoo, no matter how complex the detail of the (for instance) rigging on the galleon that adorns your chest, Tattoo Patch can deal with it.

You count the number of tattoos to be got rid of.

You measure them.

You fill in the order form that we will send you on request, stating whether you want the tattoos to be: (a) totally removed; (b) lightly erased; (c) transferred to some other part of the body; (d) entered for an art prize sponsored by the Tate Gallery.

You then enclose a cheque allowing for pounds 40 per square inch, and we will send you the patches for you to put on yourself which will guarantee you COMPLETE freedom from tattoos for the rest of your life.

Not only will Tattoo Patches remove your tattoos, they will completely take away, once and for all, the craving to have your body tattooed.

We now know that the urge to have your body tattooed is closely connected with the urge to get an honour in the New Year's Honours List, to wear a bow tie and to ask for seconds of sorbet between courses.

With the fabulous new Tattoo Patch, all these urges are guaranteed to vanish]

That's because Tattoo Patches are made from a mixture of ginseng, sarsen stone, soya, silver, arsenic and rendered down ex-cabinet minister.

This powerful blend of extracts, as mentioned by Nostradamus, has been proved efficacious for more than 500 years at separating the gullible from their wallets. There is no reason why it should not work again, with you.

So why not send now for your Tattoo Patches? Simply cover the tattoo you want to get rid of and leave the patch on it. It is very important not to remove the patch.

You must not even have a look to see how it is working.

Believe us, it is working] But it won't work if you sneak a look.

Get it?

It's very important that you leave it there for at least a year, while we put your money to work. OK? Right.

Oh, by the way - are you ecologically minded? Then we have no hesitation at all in telling you that Tattoo Patches have not been tested on animals.

That's not quite true.

We tested Tattoo Patches on a small spaniel called Digby, who had a sketch of St Paul's Cathedral tattooed on his left shoulder. He came to us and begged us to remove it. Unwillingly - because we had no idea if it would work on animals - we tried it on him.

It was a smash success.

Now you can come and inspect Digby at our offices at any time, and you can establish to your satisfaction that, amazing as it sounds, this spaniel has no picture of St Paul's Cathedral anywhere on him.

It will work on you, too.

But hurry, hurry, hurry] We only have limited stocks. If you do not apply soon, you may be carrying tattoos to the end of your life. We look forward to hearing from you.