Queen Darlene comes clean

Related Topics
Yesterday, we brought you an extract from the sensational trial currently taking place in the High Court, in which Mr and Mrs Norbert are suing the Tory party for 15 years of misrule on the grounds that Mr Norbert has never had a job during that time and Mrs Norbert has been awaiting an operation since 1985. Counsel for the Norberts hascalled the Queen as a surprise witness, on the grounds that as it is Her Majesty's Government being called into question, she should be allowed to defend it. We join the case as Her Majesty takes the witness stand.

Judge: May I say what a pleasure it is to have you in one of our humble courts? I don't suppose your Majesty remembers, but we met briefly during a Buckingham Palace garden party several years ago...

Queen: It is quite possible. One meets so many people.

Judge: Yes, I'm sure. Perhaps you remember my saying how good the begonias were this year...

Counsel: M'lud?

Judge: What?

Counsel: May I continue?

Judge: Oh, yes. Your witness, I think.

Counsel: Now, your Majesty, you are, I think, Elizabeth Windsor, Queen of England?

Queen: Correct.

Counsel: What is your occupation?

Queen: I am Queen of England.

Counsel: No - I mean, what do you actually do?

Queen: I rule.

Counsel: Via what agency?

Queen: My government.

Counsel: Ah ha! And how do you rate this government?

Queen: The present government?

Counsel: Yes.

Queen: The one that has been in power for 15 years?

Counsel: Yes.

Queen: I think they stink worse than a kangaroo's droppings. I wouldn't trust them to clean up the streets of Sydney for fear they'd pick up the rubbish and sell it back to us. If I found myself in a lifeboat with them, I'd throw myself to the sharks!

Judge: Your Majesty...

Queen: Yes?

Judge: Forgive me asking you, but you are her Majesty, aren't you?

Queen: What makes you think otherwise?

Judge: Well, you may look like the Queen, but you don't sound much like her. You have something of an Australian tinge to your diction. And I don't think the Queen chews gum, as you do.

Queen: All right, blast your eyes! You win! I'm not the Queen! I'm Darlene Hordle! I'm a Queen lookalike from Brisbane, and I wish I'd never opened my mouth in your damned country! I used to earn good money in Australia masquerading as the Queen, but ever since this republican movement got under full steam, they don't want a Queen lookalike, except to make fun of! After I was half pelted to death in a bunfight in Queensland, I decided to emigrate to Britain, where I could continue my career as the Queen, even though my experiences have converted me to republicanism! Can you imagine the personal tragedy of a republican trapped in a Queen's body?

Judge: Hmm... So you have been coached by the prosecution to say these things about the government, have you?

Queen: Not at all. I believe them devoutly.

Judge: As the Queen, or as Darlene Hordle?

Queen: Both.

Judge: Hmm... tell me, Mr Bristlethwaite, why did you lead the court to believe we were about to receive the Queen, when all we got was Darlene Hordle of Brisbane?

Counsel: That is all we could afford, m'Lud. You must remember that the Norberts, like millions of ordinary British families, have been kept impoverished by the actions of the Tory government. How could they afford the real Queen? It is another indictment of this morally bankrupt administration. And now I propose to call hundreds more witnesses to testify that this clapped-out government is well past its sell-by date, staggering from one crisis to another like the homeward progress of a drunkard who can remember neither where he lives nor where he last saw his front-door key!

Judge: That's very good. Is that your description or did you make it up?

Counsel: Neither, m'Lud. It was coined by William Gladstone, my Lord.

Judge: About the present government?

Counsel: I really couldn't say, m'Lud. And now I propose to call another member of the highest family in the land. Call the Duke of Edinburgh.

Duke: G'day.

Counsel: Your Royal Highness, do you have as low an opinion of the present government as the previous witness?

Duke: Strewth - I should say so, sport!

Judge: Just a moment! There are one or two questions I want to put to you, Duke...

The case continues.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Pharmaceutical Computer System Validation Specialist

£300 - £350 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Pharmaceutical Computer ...

High Level Teaching Assistant (HTLA)

£70 - £90 per day: Randstad Education Birmingham: Higher Level Teaching Assist...

Teaching Assistant

£50 - £80 per day: Randstad Education Birmingham: Randstad Education is the UK...

Senior Java Developer - API's / Webservices - XML, XSLT

£400 - £450 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client is currently ...

Day In a Page

Read Next

i Editor's Letter: Take a moment to imagine you're Ed Miliband...

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff

Letters: No vote poses difficult questions – so why rush?

Independent Voices
Secret politics of the weekly shop

The politics of the weekly shop

New app reveals political leanings of food companies
Beam me up, Scottie!

Beam me up, Scottie!

Celebrity Trekkies from Alex Salmond to Barack Obama
Beware Wet Paint: The ICA's latest ambitious exhibition

Beware Wet Paint

The ICA's latest ambitious exhibition
Pink Floyd have produced some of rock's greatest ever album covers

Pink Floyd have produced some of rock's greatest ever album covers

Can 'The Endless River' carry on the tradition?
Sanctuary for the suicidal

Sanctuary for the suicidal

One mother's story of how London charity Maytree helped her son with his depression
A roller-coaster tale from the 'voice of a generation'

Not That Kind of Girl:

A roller-coaster tale from 'voice of a generation' Lena Dunham
London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice. In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence

London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice

In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence
Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with Malcolm McLaren

Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with McLaren

Designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Jourdan Dunn: Model mother

Model mother

Jordan Dunn became one of the best-paid models in the world
Apple still coolest brand – despite U2 PR disaster

Apple still the coolest brand

Despite PR disaster of free U2 album
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits