Queen Darlene comes clean

Related Topics
Yesterday, we brought you an extract from the sensational trial currently taking place in the High Court, in which Mr and Mrs Norbert are suing the Tory party for 15 years of misrule on the grounds that Mr Norbert has never had a job during that time and Mrs Norbert has been awaiting an operation since 1985. Counsel for the Norberts hascalled the Queen as a surprise witness, on the grounds that as it is Her Majesty's Government being called into question, she should be allowed to defend it. We join the case as Her Majesty takes the witness stand.

Judge: May I say what a pleasure it is to have you in one of our humble courts? I don't suppose your Majesty remembers, but we met briefly during a Buckingham Palace garden party several years ago...

Queen: It is quite possible. One meets so many people.

Judge: Yes, I'm sure. Perhaps you remember my saying how good the begonias were this year...

Counsel: M'lud?

Judge: What?

Counsel: May I continue?

Judge: Oh, yes. Your witness, I think.

Counsel: Now, your Majesty, you are, I think, Elizabeth Windsor, Queen of England?

Queen: Correct.

Counsel: What is your occupation?

Queen: I am Queen of England.

Counsel: No - I mean, what do you actually do?

Queen: I rule.

Counsel: Via what agency?

Queen: My government.

Counsel: Ah ha! And how do you rate this government?

Queen: The present government?

Counsel: Yes.

Queen: The one that has been in power for 15 years?

Counsel: Yes.

Queen: I think they stink worse than a kangaroo's droppings. I wouldn't trust them to clean up the streets of Sydney for fear they'd pick up the rubbish and sell it back to us. If I found myself in a lifeboat with them, I'd throw myself to the sharks!

Judge: Your Majesty...

Queen: Yes?

Judge: Forgive me asking you, but you are her Majesty, aren't you?

Queen: What makes you think otherwise?

Judge: Well, you may look like the Queen, but you don't sound much like her. You have something of an Australian tinge to your diction. And I don't think the Queen chews gum, as you do.

Queen: All right, blast your eyes! You win! I'm not the Queen! I'm Darlene Hordle! I'm a Queen lookalike from Brisbane, and I wish I'd never opened my mouth in your damned country! I used to earn good money in Australia masquerading as the Queen, but ever since this republican movement got under full steam, they don't want a Queen lookalike, except to make fun of! After I was half pelted to death in a bunfight in Queensland, I decided to emigrate to Britain, where I could continue my career as the Queen, even though my experiences have converted me to republicanism! Can you imagine the personal tragedy of a republican trapped in a Queen's body?

Judge: Hmm... So you have been coached by the prosecution to say these things about the government, have you?

Queen: Not at all. I believe them devoutly.

Judge: As the Queen, or as Darlene Hordle?

Queen: Both.

Judge: Hmm... tell me, Mr Bristlethwaite, why did you lead the court to believe we were about to receive the Queen, when all we got was Darlene Hordle of Brisbane?

Counsel: That is all we could afford, m'Lud. You must remember that the Norberts, like millions of ordinary British families, have been kept impoverished by the actions of the Tory government. How could they afford the real Queen? It is another indictment of this morally bankrupt administration. And now I propose to call hundreds more witnesses to testify that this clapped-out government is well past its sell-by date, staggering from one crisis to another like the homeward progress of a drunkard who can remember neither where he lives nor where he last saw his front-door key!

Judge: That's very good. Is that your description or did you make it up?

Counsel: Neither, m'Lud. It was coined by William Gladstone, my Lord.

Judge: About the present government?

Counsel: I really couldn't say, m'Lud. And now I propose to call another member of the highest family in the land. Call the Duke of Edinburgh.

Duke: G'day.

Counsel: Your Royal Highness, do you have as low an opinion of the present government as the previous witness?

Duke: Strewth - I should say so, sport!

Judge: Just a moment! There are one or two questions I want to put to you, Duke...

The case continues.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager (B2B) - Romford - £40,000 + car

£35000 - £40000 per annum + car and benefits: Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager...

Ashdown Group: Helpdesk Analyst - Devon - £20,000

£18000 - £20000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Helpdesk Analyst - Devon - £20,000 ...

Ashdown Group: Data Scientist - London - £50,000 + bonus

£35000 - £50000 per annum + generous bonus: Ashdown Group: Business Analytics ...

Ashdown Group: IT Project Coordinator (Software Development) - Kingston

£45000 - £50000 per annum: Ashdown Group: IT Project Coordinator (Software Dev...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Blunkett joins the Labour candidate for Redcar Anna Turley on a campaigning visit last month  

General Election 2015: Politics is the messy art of compromise, unpopular as it may be

David Blunkett
File: David Cameron offers a toast during a State Dinner in his honour March 14, 2012  

Vote Tory and you’re voting for the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer

Mark Steel
General Election 2015: ‘We will not sit down with Nicola Sturgeon’, says Ed Balls

'We will not sit down with Nicola Sturgeon'

In an exclusive interview, Ed Balls says he won't negotiate his first Budget with SNP MPs - even if Labour need their votes to secure its passage
VE Day 70th anniversary: How ordinary Britons celebrated the end of war in Europe

How ordinary Britons celebrated VE Day

Our perception of VE Day usually involves crowds of giddy Britons casting off the shackles of war with gay abandon. The truth was more nuanced
They came in with William Caxton's printing press, but typefaces still matter in the digital age

Typefaces still matter in the digital age

A new typeface once took years to create, now thousands are available at the click of a drop-down menu. So why do most of us still rely on the old classics, asks Meg Carter?
Discovery of 'missing link' between the two main life-forms on Earth could explain evolution of animals, say scientists

'Missing link' between Earth's two life-forms found

New microbial species tells us something about our dark past, say scientists
The Pan Am Experience is a 'flight' back to the 1970s that never takes off - at least, not literally

Pan Am Experience: A 'flight' back to the 70s

Tim Walker checks in and checks out a four-hour journey with a difference
Humans aren't alone in indulging in politics - it's everywhere in the animal world

Humans aren't alone in indulging in politics

Voting, mutual back-scratching, coups and charismatic leaders - it's everywhere in the animal world
Crisp sales are in decline - but this tasty trivia might tempt back the turncoats

Crisp sales are in decline

As a nation we're filling up on popcorn and pitta chips and forsaking their potato-based predecessors
Ronald McDonald the muse? Why Banksy, Ron English and Keith Coventry are lovin' Maccy D's

Ronald McDonald the muse

A new wave of artists is taking inspiration from the fast food chain
13 best picnic blankets

13 best picnic blankets

Dine al fresco without the grass stains and damp bottoms with something from our pick of picnic rugs
Barcelona 3 Bayern Munich 0 player ratings: Lionel Messi scores twice - but does he score highest in our ratings?

Barcelona vs Bayern Munich player ratings

Lionel Messi scores twice - but does he score highest in our ratings?
Martin Guptill: Explosive New Zealand batsman who sets the range for Kiwis' big guns

Explosive batsman who sets the range for Kiwis' big guns

Martin Guptill has smashed early runs for Derbyshire and tells Richard Edwards to expect more from the 'freakish' Brendon McCullum and his buoyant team during their tour of England
General Election 2015: Ed Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

He was meant to be Labour's biggest handicap - but has become almost an asset
General Election 2015: A guide to the smaller parties, from the the National Health Action Party to the Church of the Militant Elvis Party

On the margins

From Militant Elvis to Women's Equality: a guide to the underdogs standing in the election
Amr Darrag: Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister in exile still believes Egypt's military regime can be replaced with 'moderate' Islamic rule

'This is the battle of young Egypt for the future of our country'

Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister Amr Darrag still believes the opposition can rid Egypt of its military regime and replace it with 'moderate' Islamic rule, he tells Robert Fisk
Why patients must rely less on doctors: Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'

Why patients must rely less on doctors

Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'