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If teachers cannot improve, heads and governors must not be afraid to dismiss them - Gillian Shephard, Education Secretary

Jumping into a car after a smash-and-grab raid on a jewellers to be told by the driver that the car wouldn't go - "Mad" Frankie Fraser on his most embarrassing moment

I don't want to sound big-headed, but it's because I'm a very good entertainer - Max Bygraves explaining his success

I want to die at a great age, doing a hole-in-one at Lytham, with my wife there to witness it, or she'd never believe me - Gerry Marsden, of the pop group Gerry and the Pacemakers

I've allowed myself half a day to see some koala bears but that's it - Ann Widdecombe, prisons minister, stressing that her forthcoming two-week trip to Australia will be spent almost exclusively visiting penal institutions

Seagulls have no natural predator - perhaps we will have to become that predator - Hugh Murton, a public health official in Cornwall, after complaints from holidaymakers about birds swooping on them looking for food

He is a vicious, violent tennis player - Clive James, TV personality, on Chris Patten, Governor of Hong Kong, who beat him 6-0, 6-0

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