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If I'd known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself - Bob Monkhouse, on reaching his 68th birthday

If Major fails at the next election, my phone stops ringing. But he won't - Peter Friel, a much-sought-after John Major look-alike

I like to go swimming somewhere where nobody will see me. I have a marginal seat and it wouldn't be wise if people saw me with my clothes off - Jeremy Hanley, Foreign Office minister

Eating meat rather than incinerating it would save an awful lot of money better left in the taxpayer's pocket - Nicholas Budgen, Tory Euro- sceptic

If you were John Major with a majority of one, would you really want to take this warring, unpleasant, back-stabbing, back-biting crew through another six months of dark winter nights in the House of Commons? - Paddy Ashdown, Liberal Democrat leader, on the prospects of an autumn general election

New Labour is an ageing transvestite clad in sub-Thatcherite rhetoric. We know that Danny La Rue is a man, just as we know that new Labour is old Labour - Tristan Garel-Jones, Tory MP

"Why didn't you just belt it?" - Barbara Southgate to her son Gareth after he missed the penalty in the Euro 96 semi final against Germany