quotes of the week

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The Independent Online
I've never worked out how to use calculators.

Kenneth Clarke to John Humphrys, who had given him a calculator to count interruptions on `Today'

You are doing the wrong thing in the wrong way at the wrong time and in the wrong place.

Sir John Gorst, Tory MP, to Virginia Bottomley in the Commons

If you come from a family tradition - as most people in this country do - of great uncles, who when the whistle blew walked towards the guns and got shot dead ... you have a degree of toughness which other people probably appreciate.

Peter Bottomley on his wife's troubles

There is no way Bill Clinton and John Major will ever be buddies. Clinton has always been a swinger and Major has been a square all his life.

Donald Watt, former professor of international relations, LSE

All she's got left are a few tears and she wants to spend the last hours with her son.

Clive Stafford Smith, Nick Ingram's lawyer, about his client's mother Ann

I would love to be a man for a week. Everyone should be able to see just what the other sex has to put up with.

Rita Tushingham, actress