Quotes of the Week

I joined the Army to drive tanks but I've spent the whole time poncing around on horses so tourists can take photos of me - Paul Humphrey, a Life Guard who broke into a car in an attempt to get thrown out of the Army

Honey, I'm home] - Todd Lawrence, a 16-stone American who turning up at Madonna's house, convinced that he was her husband

Sure thing, man. I used to be a laboratory myself once - Keith Richard on being asked to autograph a fan's school chemistry book

Surely nothing could be that funny - George Melly on being told by Mick Jagger that his wrinkles were laughter lines

We want to have real people presenting rather than television professionals - Peter McHugh, GMTV director of programmes, on signing up the Kinnocks to present a Sunday morning show