Regal angle to a legal wrangle

Share
Related Topics
The most extraordinary bit of litigation going on at the moment is a case in the High Court, where the Tory Party is being sued by Mr and Mrs Norbert. They claim that they (the Norberts) have been given inadequate government for the last 13 years, that the Government should have managed things better, and that they (the Norberts) should be compensated.

Here, for your enlightenment, is a recent extract from this startling case, in which Mr Heseltine, among others, took the witness stand.

Counsel: Your name is Michael Heseltine ?

Heseltine: It is.

Counsel: You have been one of the major participants at cabinet level in the present Government?

Heseltine: I have that honour.

Counsel: Which honour ?

Heseltine: Of serving in Her Majesty's Government.

Counsel: You call that an honour? You call it an honour to be one of this shifty, unprincipled, unqualified, shameless crew?

Heseltine: Oh, come off it, sonny. You can try any amount of abuse but it won't wash. I eat Today interviewers for breakfast, and they're a lot cleverer than you.

Counsel: So, Mr Heseltine, you have a high opinion of Her Majesty's Government?

Heseltine: We have brought this country through stormy times into calm seas. We have built the foundation on which prosperity can rise. We look forward to a time when our economic stewardship...

Counsel: Just a minute, Mr Heseltine. You have been in power for a decade and a half. You have had 15-odd years in power. Yet prosperity is still just around the corner! After 15 years you are still looking ahead to good times! Why are they not here now?

Heseltine: Oh, but they are!

Counsel: Oh, but they are not. We have already heard how far behind other countries in the EC we are. We have heard how much in debt we are. We have heard many other statistics. Are you totally insensitive to them all?

Heseltine: Look here, this new Budget leaves us all better off. It really does. It puts pounds 370, yes, pounds 370 into the pocket of every family in Britain... Is Labour really saying that they don't want us to give pounds 370, yes, pounds 370, to every family in Britain?

Judge: Mr Heseltine, I have given you due warning. I have warned you that if you treat this court as if you were trying your tricks on the much vaunted BBC chat show Today, you will be out of here. You have paid no attention to my warning. You are out of here.

Heseltine: But, my Lord...

Judge: Out!

Heseltine is ejected.

Counsel: Call the next witness, Mr William Wendover!

Judge: Just a moment, just a moment. Do you mean Mr William Waldegrave?

Counsel: No, m'Lud. Mr William Wendover. He is a man I met in the pub last night, m'Lud.

Judge: Oh, this is ridiculous! Are we going to go through the population of Britain one by one? Already this case has made legal history by lasting longer than any case since those two took on that hamburger place...

Lawyer: [Interrupting from the public gallery] I must warn this court that I am here on behalf of McDonald's and that any such further remark will be followed by a writ!

Judge: Get that man out of here!

There is a struggle, and he is ejected, leaving a faint but pervasive smell of cooking oil

Judge: Now, you were saying...

Counsel: At the start of the trial, m'Lud, you were saying that it was important to know what the man on the Clapham omnibus was thinking. Well, as you are perhaps aware, there is no longer an omnibus in Clapham.

Judge: Is there not? Good Lord. Then how do people get out of Clapham?

Counsel: I believe they buy a house in Dulwich or Chelsea, or move to the country.

Judge: I see.

Counsel: But as a pub is the modern equivalent of the Clapham omnibus, I took the liberty of asking Mr Wendover what he thought of the present Government.

Judge: And what did he say?

Counsel: He said it was diabolical.

Judge: That's good enough for me. No need to call him. On to the next witness!

Counsel: Call Her Majesty the Queen!

Judge: Is that quite necessary?

Counsel: Of course. The Norberts are suing Her Majesty's Government. I think she should have a say.

Judge: Well, you can try it. I doubt if she will appear, though. Still, good luck. Wake me if and when she arrives.

Counsel: Call Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II!

Queen: Here I am.

More sensational developments tomorrow!

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Sauce Recruitment: Retail Planning Manager - Home Entertainment UK

salary equal to £40K pro-rata: Sauce Recruitment: Are you available to start a...

Ashdown Group: Front-End Developer - London - up to £40,000

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Creative Front-End Developer - Claph...

Recruitment Genius: Product Quality Assurance Technologist - Hardline & Electric

£18000 - £24000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The role in this successful eco...

Ashdown Group: QA Tester - London - £30,000

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Ashdown Group: QA Tester - London - £30,000 QA Tes...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

CPAC 2015: What I learnt from the US — and what the US could learn from Ukip

Nigel Farage
 

If I were Prime Minister: I would create a government that actually reflects its people

Kaliya Franklin
HIV pill: Scientists hail discovery of 'game-changer' that cuts the risk of infection among gay men by 86%

Scientists hail daily pill that protects against HIV infection

Breakthrough in battle against global scourge – but will the NHS pay for it?
How we must adjust our lifestyles to nature: Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch

Time to play God

Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch where we may need to redefine nature itself
MacGyver returns, but with a difference: Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman

MacGyver returns, but with a difference

Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman
Tunnel renaissance: Why cities are hiding roads down in the ground

Tunnel renaissance

Why cities are hiding roads underground
'Backstreet Boys - Show 'Em What You're Made Of': An affectionate look at five middle-aged men

Boys to men

The Backstreet Boys might be middle-aged, married and have dodgy knees, but a heartfelt documentary reveals they’re not going gently into pop’s good night
Crufts 2015: Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?

Crufts 2015

Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?
10 best projectors

How to make your home cinema more cinematic: 10 best projectors

Want to recreate the big-screen experience in your sitting room? IndyBest sizes up gadgets to form your film-watching
Manchester City 1 Barcelona 2 player ratings: Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man?

Manchester City vs Barcelona player ratings

Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man at the Etihad?
Arsenal vs Monaco: Monaco - the making of Gunners' manager Arsene Wenger

Monaco: the making of Wenger

Jack Pitt-Brooke speaks to former players and learns the Frenchman’s man-management has always been one of his best skills
Cricket World Cup 2015: Chris Gayle - the West Indies' enigma lives up to his reputation

Chris Gayle: The West Indies' enigma

Some said the game's eternal rebel was washed up. As ever, he proved he writes the scripts by producing a blistering World Cup innings
In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare and murky loyalties prevails

In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare

This war in the shadows has been going on since the fall of Mr Yanukovych
'Birdman' and 'Bullets Over Broadway': Homage or plagiarism?

Homage or plagiarism?

'Birdman' shares much DNA with Woody Allen's 'Bullets Over Broadway'
Broadchurch ends as damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

A damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

Broadchurch, Series 2 finale, review
A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower: inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

Inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower