Sir Edward Heath: For going on television and radio at a moment's notice whenever Europe is in the news to bore us all silly and thus get the topic out of the headlines again; for standing by in case Margaret Thatcher should make a bid to get back into power and if necessary hit her with his handbag; for working on his new book The Joy of Europe and for promising not to complete it; for agreeing not to conduct in public ever again - pounds 5,000 per week.
Michael Heseltine: For agreeing not to make his final push for power and topple John Major from office until I give him the say so - pounds 5,000 per week.
David Mellor: For undertaking to act as consultant to various large companies such as British Aerospace, and giving them the impression that the information he is giving them is not a lot of twaddle; for undertaking not to churn out more than five articles a day on opera and Glyndebourne, and for undertaking not to go on air about football, opera, etc, etc - pounds 5,000 a day.
Note: as Mr Mellor has signally failed to abide by any of these undertakings, he has not been paid anything by me for two years.
Tony Blair: For acting as a consultant to this column on Christian matters - pounds 300 per week.
John Prescott: For acting as consultant to this column on the lore and language of the middle class - pounds 300 a week.
Tony Benn: For acting as consultant on upper-class mores - pounds 600 a week, paid to socialist charities.
John Major: For agreeing to adopt my suggestion of behaving at Prime Minister's Question Time as if he were the pub bore in some interminable bar-room conversation - ie, by leaning up against the dispatch box on one elbow and looking round him with an ineffable grin of self-satisfaction and thus destroying all credibility that he might otherwise gain from what he is actually saying; also, for agreeing to delay his dismissal of Mr Heseltine as Deputy Prime Minister and thus spiking Mr Heseltine's ambitions for all time until I give him the say so; also, for letting me exclusively have the date of the next general election, ta, John - pounds 40,000 a week in cash.
Malcolm Rifkind: For agreeing to go to a speech therapist to get that strangled semi-Scottish accent straightened out - pounds 500 now, pounds 5,000 on completion.
Rupert Allason: For various spying and intelligence jobs - pounds 50,000 per annum.
Roy Hattersley: For acting as a consultant to my forthcoming sensational expose television drama set in the House of Commons, entitled There's no such thing as a free lunch especially when Roy Hattersley is one of the number and is going for the full menu - pounds 7,000 a year in luncheon vouchers.
Norman Lamont: For consistently getting cushy consultancy jobs with all the best people, and for equally consistently failing to get selected for any constituency anywhere as a Tory candidate, and thus demonstrating to all but the most cynical that you don't even have to be an MP to get cushy consultancy jobs with all the best people - pounds 5,000 a week.
Brian Mawhinney: For giving pleasure to a lot of people by agreeing to be spattered by egg and paint by my operatives; for insisting on being addressed as Doctor, and thus sounding about as authentic as his countryman Ian Paisley; for giving a lot of people a lot of pleasure by sounding absolutely convinced that the Tories are going to win the next election and that they want to win it - Equity rates.
My thanks to all these and many more for accepting money so unquestioningly. Full list of MPs in my pay on application.
Yesterday, due to a rush of blood from the head, I referred to Radio 3's excellent jazz presenter as Mel Smith. This should, of course, have been Mel Hill.