Sensible advice that adds up to a holiday in hell

Share
Related Topics
WHAT DO you children think you're doing inside with the sun out? This is quality time we're supposed to be enjoying. Turn that TV off. Take that look off your face. Don't be ridiculous, put it down - you'll put someone's eye out with that thing. No, you can't have spaghetti, we've just finished breakfast. Don't grizzle. And stop running down the corridors you two, you'll cut your head open on the bannisters. No, you can't have a video. I've told you a hundred times not to kick that ball around in here. Of course you can't go swimming, it hasn't been an hour after eating.

No, we haven't got enough money. We can't afford to hire a bike. Where did you get the money to hire a bike yourself? Don't throw your money away on hiring bicycles. Wear a helmet. Yes, you've got to wear a helmet. I don't care what they look like - if you don't wear a helmet, you won't hire the bike. All right, hire the bike, but don't you get on it. Fine. Spend all your money on hiring a bike and then push it around all day, that's fine.

Oh Lord, all right, all right, get on the wretched thing, but when you cut your head open don't come crying to me. You're on the wrong side of the path. Signal before turning. Be careful of those people. Watch out for those push-chairs. Check the brakes work. Stop showing off with those tricks. If you fall off and cut your head open, you've only yourself to blame. Don't go on the road. Don't go too far, you'll get lost.

Don't throw sand, you two. Mind out for that sandcastle. Don't be horrid. That's not very nice. What did you do that for? Don't kick that ball, it's not ours. Give it back to him. I don't care who started it.

That's the last ice-cream I'm buying if that's what you're going to do with them. And put your sunblock on, all of you, right now. I don't care how disgusting it is. Put it on your chest as well. And your legs. And on your face. All over your face. Don't be such a baby. You're not staying in the sun without sunblock. Keep that ball away from the windows. Don't throw it around near people. No, you can't have a lolly after what you did with the ice-cream.

Don't splash in the pool. No diving, the sign says. A policeman will come and take you away. You won't come again. We'll leave you behind if you're going to be like that. Don't go out of your depth. Don't look like that when I'm trying to take photographs. Anyone would think you weren't enjoying yourselves. Stop crying, you're on holiday. Put your hat back on.

Stop loafing about you two, hey] You're too old to be doing that] Don't make faces. Don't point. Put that tongue back in right this minute. Don't run on the edge of the pool. A policeman will come and take you away. Watch it] You'll put someone's eye out with that thing.

Come away from that dog. It's a disgusting dog, don't let it near your face. You're getting sunburnt. You are, you're getting red. You're cold. Yes, you are, you're shivering. And you're overtired. Don't contradict me, you're overtired] You went to bed too late last night, you wouldn't listen. I told you you'd feel like this today, but would you listen? You'll all be in bed by eight o'clock tonight. Don't show your temper to me] Don't care was made to care. Tie your laces or you'll fall over them and cut your head open.

Your face is far too red. Go and sit in the room. In fact, let's all go sit in the room. Come on, who wants to get a video and we'll all go and sit in the room. Yes, all right, and Burger Kings and a video and we'll watch a . . . stop that you two]

No, you can't go back in the water, we're going to watch a video in the room. Never mind about your sunblock. No, the water park's closed. Well, it is, smart-part, actually for your information. Closed every Sunday morning for routine maintenance. So stop running in the aisles. Of course you can't have that video, are you mad? A policeman will come and take you away. Yes he will. I'll ring them up myself and have you arrested. Come out of there. Come away from there. Put that down, do you want to put someone's eye out? Don't do that with your T-shirt. Mind your feet. Get out of my way. No you can't have any money. Don't you threaten me, young lady, social services will not be interested. Don't] You'll put someone's eye out with that thing.

Use your napkins. Sit up properly. Don't do that with your T-shirt. You're much too burnt. Leave that alone, it's my drink. No you can't have any beer. Take your feet off the table. Stop throwing that ball around. If you splash that water, you'll clean it all up. You've had a lovely day, don't spoil it now. No. Stop it. Don't.

How much longer did you say your holidays were?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Argyll Scott International: FP&A Manager Supply Chain

Benefits: Argyll Scott International: Argyll Scott is recruiting for a Permane...

Austen Lloyd: Commercial Property NQ+

£30000 - £50000 per annum + EXCELLENT: Austen Lloyd: COMMERCIAL PROPERTY SOLI...

Argyll Scott International: Retail Commercial Finance Analyst

Benefits: Argyll Scott International: Due to further expansion, a leading inte...

Langley James : Senior Technician; Promotion & Training Opp; Borough; upto £32k

£27000 - £32000 per annum + training: Langley James : Senior Technician; Promo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Russian President Vladimir Putin and Chinese President Xi Jinping shake hands in Shanghai  

Is Russia and China’s ‘Nato of the East’ more than a Potemkin alliance?

Nigel Morris
A petition calling for Natalie Bennett, the leader of the Green Party, to be included has been signed by nearly 200,000 people  

Let me list the reasons that the Green Party should definitely not be allowed into the TV election debates...

Mark Steel
US immigration: President Obama ready to press ahead with long-promised plan to overhaul 'broken system' - but will it get past a Republican-controlled Congress?

Immigration: Obama's final frontier

The President is ready to press ahead with the long-promised plan to overhaul America's 'broken system' - but will it get past a Republican-controlled Congress?
Bill Cosby rape allegations explained: Why are these allegations coming out now? Why didn’t these women come forward earlier? And why has nobody taken legal action?

Bill Cosby rape allegations explained

Why are these allegations coming out now? Why has nobody taken legal action? And what happens next for the man once thought of as 'America's Dad'
Four years of excruciating seizures caused by the 1cm tapeworm found burrowing through a man's brain

You know that headache you’ve got?

Four years of excruciating seizures caused by the 1cm tapeworm found burrowing through a man's brain
Travelling to work by scooter is faster than walking and less sweaty than cycling, so why aren’t we all doing it?

Scoot commute

Travelling to work by scooter is faster than walking and less sweaty than cycling, so why aren’t we all doing it?
Paul Robeson: The story of how an American icon was driven to death to be told in film

The Paul Robeson story

How an American icon was driven to death to be told in film
10 best satellite navigation systems

Never get lost again: 10 best satellite navigation systems

Keep your vehicle going in the right direction with a clever device
Paul Scholes column: England must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil

Paul Scholes column

England must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil
Michael Dawson: I’ll thank Spurs after we win says defender as he prepares to return with Hull

Michael Dawson: I’ll thank Spurs after we win

Hull defender faces his struggling former club on Sunday ready to show what they are missing. But he says he will always be grateful to Tottenham
Frank Warren column: Dr Wu has big plans for the professionals yet he should stick to the amateur game

Frank Warren column

Dr Wu has big plans for the professionals yet he should stick to the amateur game
Synagogue attack: Fear unites both sides of Jerusalem as minister warns restoring quiet could take 'months'

Terror unites Jerusalem after synagogue attack

Rising violence and increased police patrols have left residents of all faiths looking over their shoulders
Medecins sans Frontieres: The Ebola crisis has them in the headlines, but their work goes far beyond West Africa

'How do you carry on? You have to...'

The Ebola crisis has Medecins sans Frontieres in the headlines, but their work goes far beyond West Africa
Isis extends its deadly reach with suicide bombing in Kurdish capital

Isis extends its deadly reach with suicide bombing in Kurdish capital

Residents in what was Iraq’s safest city fear an increase in jihadist attacks, reports Patrick Cockburn
Underwater photography competition winners 2014 - in pictures

'Mysterious and inviting' shot of diver wins photography competition

Stunning image of cenote in Mexico takes top prize
Sir John Major: Negative West End portrayals of politicians put people off voting

Sir John Major hits out at theatres

Negative West End portrayals of politicians put people off voting
Kicking Barbie's butt: How the growth of 3D printing enabled me to make an army of custom-made figurines

Kicking Barbie's butt

How the growth of 3D printing enabled toy-designer to make an army of custom-made figurines