Sensible advice that adds up to a holiday in hell

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The Independent Online
WHAT DO you children think you're doing inside with the sun out? This is quality time we're supposed to be enjoying. Turn that TV off. Take that look off your face. Don't be ridiculous, put it down - you'll put someone's eye out with that thing. No, you can't have spaghetti, we've just finished breakfast. Don't grizzle. And stop running down the corridors you two, you'll cut your head open on the bannisters. No, you can't have a video. I've told you a hundred times not to kick that ball around in here. Of course you can't go swimming, it hasn't been an hour after eating.

No, we haven't got enough money. We can't afford to hire a bike. Where did you get the money to hire a bike yourself? Don't throw your money away on hiring bicycles. Wear a helmet. Yes, you've got to wear a helmet. I don't care what they look like - if you don't wear a helmet, you won't hire the bike. All right, hire the bike, but don't you get on it. Fine. Spend all your money on hiring a bike and then push it around all day, that's fine.

Oh Lord, all right, all right, get on the wretched thing, but when you cut your head open don't come crying to me. You're on the wrong side of the path. Signal before turning. Be careful of those people. Watch out for those push-chairs. Check the brakes work. Stop showing off with those tricks. If you fall off and cut your head open, you've only yourself to blame. Don't go on the road. Don't go too far, you'll get lost.

Don't throw sand, you two. Mind out for that sandcastle. Don't be horrid. That's not very nice. What did you do that for? Don't kick that ball, it's not ours. Give it back to him. I don't care who started it.

That's the last ice-cream I'm buying if that's what you're going to do with them. And put your sunblock on, all of you, right now. I don't care how disgusting it is. Put it on your chest as well. And your legs. And on your face. All over your face. Don't be such a baby. You're not staying in the sun without sunblock. Keep that ball away from the windows. Don't throw it around near people. No, you can't have a lolly after what you did with the ice-cream.

Don't splash in the pool. No diving, the sign says. A policeman will come and take you away. You won't come again. We'll leave you behind if you're going to be like that. Don't go out of your depth. Don't look like that when I'm trying to take photographs. Anyone would think you weren't enjoying yourselves. Stop crying, you're on holiday. Put your hat back on.

Stop loafing about you two, hey] You're too old to be doing that] Don't make faces. Don't point. Put that tongue back in right this minute. Don't run on the edge of the pool. A policeman will come and take you away. Watch it] You'll put someone's eye out with that thing.

Come away from that dog. It's a disgusting dog, don't let it near your face. You're getting sunburnt. You are, you're getting red. You're cold. Yes, you are, you're shivering. And you're overtired. Don't contradict me, you're overtired] You went to bed too late last night, you wouldn't listen. I told you you'd feel like this today, but would you listen? You'll all be in bed by eight o'clock tonight. Don't show your temper to me] Don't care was made to care. Tie your laces or you'll fall over them and cut your head open.

Your face is far too red. Go and sit in the room. In fact, let's all go sit in the room. Come on, who wants to get a video and we'll all go and sit in the room. Yes, all right, and Burger Kings and a video and we'll watch a . . . stop that you two]

No, you can't go back in the water, we're going to watch a video in the room. Never mind about your sunblock. No, the water park's closed. Well, it is, smart-part, actually for your information. Closed every Sunday morning for routine maintenance. So stop running in the aisles. Of course you can't have that video, are you mad? A policeman will come and take you away. Yes he will. I'll ring them up myself and have you arrested. Come out of there. Come away from there. Put that down, do you want to put someone's eye out? Don't do that with your T-shirt. Mind your feet. Get out of my way. No you can't have any money. Don't you threaten me, young lady, social services will not be interested. Don't] You'll put someone's eye out with that thing.

Use your napkins. Sit up properly. Don't do that with your T-shirt. You're much too burnt. Leave that alone, it's my drink. No you can't have any beer. Take your feet off the table. Stop throwing that ball around. If you splash that water, you'll clean it all up. You've had a lovely day, don't spoil it now. No. Stop it. Don't.

How much longer did you say your holidays were?