The Agreeable World Of Wallace Arnold: Save the British bulldog from being cut off in its prime

Share
Related Topics
We're on the move!!! Yes, it's been a tremendous week for those of us who have no wish to be ridden over roughshod by the bureaucrats of Brussels and their Westminster henchmen. But let us not rest on our laurels. Looking at these latest statistics from the EEC, it is clear to me that the battle is far from over.

A forthcoming Eurodiktat sponsored by the Germans is to see to the forcible castration of the Great British Bulldog. Any bulldog spotted on the streets by a highly trained team of Euro-sponsored dog watchers will be instantly hit with a blow pipe, locked in a cage three sizes too small, and forcibly castrated to bring it into line with EEC directives. A raid by Euro-trained customs officers on a warehouse near Hemel Hempstead has already uncovered a large cache of spaniel masks, ready for immediate use by British bulldogs wishing to avoid clinical castration.

From 1 July 1999, all British owners of donkeys will be forced to starve them to within inches of death. Following intervention from the Spanish, there will be fines given to all those who feed their donkeys more than two (2) biscuits a day. By law, donkeys must also be taunted by British owners up to three (3) times a week. During a specially enforced fiesta, scheduled to coincide with Ascot, all British donkeys will be paraded up and down the Mall, there to be subjected to taunts and insults from visiting citizens from EEC member states. The Queen Mother, HM the Queen and Prince Philip will all ride on the same 18-year-old donkey along the Mall to Admiralty House, where it will collapse beneath them and die. This operation will be overseen by the Greeks.

When a new EEC directive goes ahead, "gobbing" on the streets will be compulsory by the year 2005. It is already compulsory in the European Parliament, where up to 250 gallons of Euro-saliva are gathered up by cleaners each day, later to be reprocessed and recycled in bottles clearly labelled "Natural Mineral Water: Product of More Than One Country". During her visit to Austria later this year, HM the Queen will be expected to gob in a formal manner when greeting the Chancellor. She is at present taking lessons in gobbing from highly skilled operatives. By 2003, in accordance with EEC articles of practice, British offices and shops will ban all non-gobbers from their premises, and penalties for failing to gob in the street are expected to reach four figures.

Draconian Euro-directives soon to be unveiled will call for Gesticulation to take its place in the British classroom alongside Mathematics, Science, Tax Avoidance and Euro-Literature. By the age of eight, the British child will be expected to have a working knowledge of the meaning of everyday Euro-gesticulations such as "May a balcony fall on top of your mother, crushing her new hat" and "May your saliva run dry in the run-up to the annual Seville Gobbing Festival".

There are threats ahead, too, for such traditional British pastimes as cricket. In future, draft Euro-diktats rule that the place of the second (2nd) batsman must be taken by a rabid dog. And only last week in Manchester, an elderly lady, grandmother of four and respected pillar of the community, privately educated and owner of a luxury home valued at more than pounds 200,000, was threatened with a hefty EEC fine - simply for threatening a Brussels- trained Health and Safety apparatchik with a chain-saw! The officer had been attempting to ride roughshod over 400 years of British history by stopping the senior citizen from placing the traditional dead vole in her Lancashire Hotpot.

Other Great British Foods under threat from the EEC include our national dish of Bangers and Mash. In future, the Great British Banger will have to contain more than five per cent meat. This will undoubtedly threaten the livelihood of local manufacturers of tyres, condoms, mothballs, adhesives and string, all of whom are at present key suppliers to the British sausage industry. The Mash, too, may be affected: an EEC commission has decided that in future the traditional "magic ingredient" of up to three per cent phlegm will no longer be permitted, other than in cases of emergency.

Finally, news has just come in that the Great British Pub will no longer be able to continue serving gravy with chicken-in-the-basket. Jobs have already been axed at a well-known Yorkshire manufacturers of galoshes and protective footwear, and further job losses are expected.

So young Hague still has an uphill struggle on his hands. But the signs are encouraging. Blair is running scared and with poor old Lilley being shown the door marked "Exit", the sky's the limit. Mind your backs, British Bulldogs - we're on our way.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Senior Risk Manager - Banking - London - £650

£600 - £650 per day: Orgtel: Conduct Risk Liaison Manager - Banking - London -...

Commercial Litigation Associate

Highly Attractive Package: Austen Lloyd: CITY - COMMERCIAL LITIGATION - GLOBAL...

Systems Manager - Dynamics AX

£65000 - £75000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: The client is a...

Service Delivery Manager (Software Development, Testing)

£40000 - £45000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A well-established software house ba...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The economy expanded by 0.8 per cent in the second quarter of 2014  

British economy: Government hails the latest GDP figures, but there is still room for skepticism over this 'glorious recovery'

Ben Chu
Comedy queen: Miranda Hart has said that she is excited about working on the new film  

There is no such thing as a middle-class laugh

David Lister
Evan Davis: The BBC’s wolf in sheep’s clothing to take over at Newsnight

The BBC’s wolf in sheep’s clothing

What will Evan Davis be like on Newsnight?
Finding the names for America’s shame: What happens to the immigrants crossing the US-Mexico border without documents who never make it past the Arizona desert?

Finding the names for America’s shame

The immigrants crossing the US-Mexico border without documents who never make it past the Arizona desert
Inside a church for Born Again Christians: Speaking to God in a Manchester multiplex

Inside a church for Born Again Christians

As Britain's Anglican church struggles to establish its modern identity, one branch of Christianity is booming
Rihanna, Kim Kardashian and me: How Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain

Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain

Parisian couturier Pierre Balmain made his name dressing the mid-century jet set. Today, Olivier Rousteing – heir to the house Pierre built – is celebrating their 21st-century equivalents. The result? Nothing short of Balmania
Cancer, cardiac arrest, HIV and homelessness - and he's only 39

Incredible survival story of David Tovey

Tovey went from cooking for the Queen to rifling through bins for his supper. His is a startling story of endurance against the odds – and of a social safety net failing at every turn
Backhanders, bribery and abuses of power have soared in China as economy surges

Bribery and abuses of power soar in China

The bribery is fuelled by the surge in China's economy but the rules of corruption are subtle and unspoken, finds Evan Osnos, as he learns the dark arts from a master
Commonwealth Games 2014: Highland terriers stole the show at the opening ceremony

Highland terriers steal the show at opening ceremony

Gillian Orr explores why a dog loved by film stars and presidents is finally having its day
German art world rocked as artists use renowned fat sculpture to distil schnapps

Brewing the fat from artwork angers widow of sculptor

Part of Joseph Beuys' 1982 sculpture 'Fettecke' used to distil schnapps
BBC's The Secret History of Our Streets reveals a fascinating window into Britain's past

BBC takes viewers back down memory lane

The Secret History of Our Streets, which returns with three films looking at Scottish streets, is the inverse of Benefits Street - delivering warmth instead of cynicism
Joe, film review: Nicolas Cage delivers an astonishing performance in low budget drama

Nicolas Cage shines in low-budget drama Joe

Cage plays an ex-con in David Gordon Green's independent drama, which has been adapted from a novel by Larry Brown
How to make your own gourmet ice lollies, granitas, slushy cocktails and frozen yoghurt

Make your own ice lollies and frozen yoghurt

Think outside the cool box for this summer's tempting frozen treats
Ford Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time, with sales topping 4.1 million since 1976

Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time

Sales have topped 4.1 million since 1976. To celebrate this milestone, four Independent writers recall their Fiestas with pride
10 best reed diffusers

Heaven scent: 10 best reed diffusers

Keep your rooms smelling summery and fresh with one of these subtle but distinctive home fragrances that’ll last you months
Commonwealth Games 2014: Female boxers set to compete for first time

Female boxers set to compete at Commonwealth Games for first time

There’s no favourites and with no headguards anything could happen
Five things we’ve learned so far about Manchester United under Louis van Gaal

Five things we’ve learned so far about United under Van Gaal

It’s impossible to avoid the impression that the Dutch manager is playing to the gallery a little