The BBC White Paper . . . stop me if you've heard this

THE BBC has been cleared of the worst accusations against it, according to a government White Paper.

'There have been widespread rumours that all has not been well at the BBC,' says the paper. 'Reports have abounded that the BBC has been the scene of Satanic Birtian rituals at which old-style producers were humiliated and subjected to terrifying taunts, such as: 'We're going to get your programmes done twice as cheaply and half as well by an outside production company, you old has-been]' The commission found that these reports were well founded, but could see nothing wrong with such rituals as they tended to lead to more efficiency. Here's our Satanic Birtian Ritual Correspondent, Adrian Weathermole . . .'

'Yes, it's all systems go for the new-look BBC]' says our Satanic Birtian Ritual Correspondent, Adrian Weathermole, one of the first men at the BBC to read the new government White Paper. 'Just to give you some idea of how the streamlined new BBC works, let me tell you that in the old days the BBC would have gone out and recklessly spent thousands of pounds on a bundle of White Papers, and distributed them with criminal generosity among the staff. That's all changed. To get my copy of the White Paper, I had to get the money out of my programme budget, apply to my area controlling manager for permission to go outside, sign a chit saying where I was going, and let someone have the use of my office while I was out of the building. As if that wasn't enough, I had to get a receipt from the bus conductor to justify the expense involved in not walking. That's how efficient the BBC is these days. Here's our Efficiency Correspondent, Stephen Wilcox . . .'

'Thank you, and one of the major findings of the new government White Paper is that major savings could be made by not having everything repeated ad nauseam on the BBC. For instance, whenever the news starts, and the main headline is read out, the newsreader always says: 'And now over to our man at Westminster' or 'Here's our political correspondent' and they bring in someone else who says it all over again. There seems no real need for this. Here's our Repetition Expert, Henry Vincent-Square . . .'

'Yes, one of the main findings of the White Paper on the future of the BBC is that there is just too much repetition on both TV and radio. Quite apart from all the repeats of programmes themselves, there is a tendency to get everything said twice on news and current affairs programmes as if saying something twice made it more believable. There was also a tendency to have a government and opposition spokesman on to make their comments on the news item, one for, one against. This was not thought to be conducive to cost-cutting, or indeed to retaining viewers and listeners. Here's our Parliamentary Correspondent, James Walkie Talkie . . .'

'Yes, hello, and here at Westminster there is no mood of surprise over the findings of the White Paper, which is quite understandable, since they wrote the thing. The only controversial element as far as Parliament is concerned is the surprise conclusion that far too many government and opposition spokesmen are used to pad out current affairs items. To comment on this, I have with me in the studio the Labour MP Jock Wilberforce and the Under-Secretary for Scottish Affairs, Tony Macateer. Tony, it's sometimes said that MPs tend to use their spots on the BBC for blatant political plugs. Any comment?'

'Well, I was listening to the last caller and I can quite understand his worries on this score, but we are coming out of recession and everything is in place now for Britain to take its place at the heart of Eruope, so I can see no reason to doubt the leadership of John Major, who, I am quite certain, will take us into the next election.'

'Thank you, Tony. Jock?'

'In fact, I am not the Labour MP Jock Wilberforce any more, I am now Jock Wilberforce MP Independent Productions Ltd, and as such I would like to say . . .'

'And I'm afraid that's all we have time for. Now, with a look at the rest of today on Radio 4, here's our Rest of Today on Radio 4 Correspondent . . .'

On sale today, the BBC White Paper. Once only 50p. Now an incredible 20p. And you get the BBC Sunday White Paper absolutely free]