THE FRIARY NEWSLETTER: Our small part in making Michael come clean

I bet there's a lot of folks out there desperate to face up to youthful indiscretions in a healthy, positive, opinion-poll-friendly way

Share
Related Topics
This week Friary Group marketing director Simon Mallard writes to staff, shareholders and alumni:

IT GOES without saying that we're all very surprised - and deeply saddened - by the sudden Portillo cancellation. As most of you have probably already heard, Michael is not returning for our autumn session because of unforeseen career commitments, which is a pity, as I think the whole staff would agree that we were making some real progress there. I told him myself, when he came by my office to get his Rolex out of the safe, that I didn't think he was ready to fight a by-election. Still, he's come a long way. We must remember that this time two years ago he was still refusing to admit that he was even a little bit Spanish.

There is some good news: I think I've pretty well talked Michael into coming back in the spring to lead a seminar called Giving Up On Gay: Is Your Homosexuality Holding You Back? That title is provisional, by the way, in case anyone has any good puns. A high-profile MP (fingers crossed!) like Michael could really turn the whole Past Life Repression department around. I'll bet there's a lot of folks out there who are desperate to face up to youthful indiscretions in a healthy, positive, opinion-poll- friendly manner. I was even toying with the idea of changing the name of the Persuasion Reassignment Wing to Peter House, although I'm worried it might attract a lot of right-wing philosophers on dirty weekends. They're free to come if they want to, but I'm not doing any discounts.

Elsewhere on the psycho-political front, we've had a big response to the Harriet Harman promotion, including some discreet inquiries from a number of Labour MPs (no names, sorry!). Harman Obsessive Vengeance syndrome is a much more widespread phenomenon than many of our competitors realised, so we seem to be in the forefront as far as treatment is concerned. A number of clients who have been working with the Harriet puppets are now HOV-negative, and we have plans to replace the puppets with a fully digital virtual Harriet. If anyone can do her voice, please call me and leave a sample on my answering machine.

Pathological obsession with politicians is an obvious growth area for us, but we must be careful how we proceed, or we might end up looking foolish. Last week one of the sex counsellors tried to tell me about a guy who likes to dress up as Margaret Beckett. I told him, don't even think about it.

Note to all staff in the Career Resuscitation Unit: stand by for another ex-EastEnder. Patsy Palmer has left the show, as if you didn't know, and she should be arriving sometime after six on the shuttlebus, depending on the traffic. I understand we're a bit short on beds in the Soap Suite, but casting changes of this nature are notoriously difficult to predict and our intelligence reports are not all they could be. As if this weren't enough, there was some kind of explosion on Brookside a couple of weeks back, and as a result we're now having to ration tennis court time. When Ms Palmer gets here I would like her to be given a thorough debriefing, even before she's searched, in case she has any clues as to who else might be getting the push this year. I hear one of the bald ones might be getting killed soon.

I know I've said this before, but we'd have a lot more space on the ward if the Career Resuscitation Unit was doing its job properly. Has anyone found anything for Vanessa yet? What's happening with her Christmas single? In the old days we used to get three anorexics in that room. I know the CRU has had some incredible successes this year, but that's no reason to rest on our laurels, people. Let's all stop patting ourselves on the back about Martine McCutcheon, and get back to work.

Last but not least: the lovely Mrs Zoe Ball-Boy Slim will be checking in some time next month for some pre-family counselling. Her stay here is essential to the promotion of our newest concept, the idea that people should plan a breakdown and a recovery before they start a relationship, career or family, instead of the other way round. I've been talking to her people about maybe doing some billboards. Mrs Ball-Boy-Slim is by all accounts a happy, lively, well-adjusted individual, so it's your job to convince her that there's something wrong with her. Good luck.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Account Manager

£20000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This full service social media ...

Recruitment Genius: Data Analyst - Online Marketing

£24000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We are 'Changemakers in retail'...

Austen Lloyd: Senior Residential Conveyancer

Very Competitive: Austen Lloyd: Senior Conveyancer - South West We are see...

Austen Lloyd: Residential / Commercial Property Solicitor

Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: DORSET MARKET TOWN - SENIOR PROPERTY SOLICITOR...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Tony Abbott: A man most Australian women would like to pat on the back...iron in hand

Caroline Garnar
Australian rapper Iggy Azalea performs in California  

Hip hop is both racial and political, and for Iggy Azalea to suggest otherwise is insulting

Yomi Adegoke
Isis in Iraq: Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment by militants

'Jilan killed herself in the bathroom. She cut her wrists and hanged herself'

Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment
Ed Balls interview: 'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'

Ed Balls interview

'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'
He's behind you, dude!

US stars in UK panto

From David Hasselhoff to Jerry Hall
Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz: What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?

Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz

What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?
Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Planet’s surface is inhospitable to humans but 30 miles above it is almost perfect
Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

Autism-friendly theatre

Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all
The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

Sony suffered a chorus of disapproval after it withdrew 'The Interview', but it's not too late for it to take a stand, says Joan Smith
From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?

Panto dames: before and after

From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?
Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Booksellers say readers are turning away from dark modern thrillers and back to the golden age of crime writing
Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best,' says founder of JustGiving

Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best'

Ten million of us have used the JustGiving website to donate to good causes. Its co-founder says that being dynamic is as important as being kind
The botanist who hunts for giant trees at Kew Gardens

The man who hunts giants

A Kew Gardens botanist has found 25 new large tree species - and he's sure there are more out there