THE FRIARY NEWSLETTER: Our small part in making Michael come clean

I bet there's a lot of folks out there desperate to face up to youthful indiscretions in a healthy, positive, opinion-poll-friendly way

Share
Related Topics
This week Friary Group marketing director Simon Mallard writes to staff, shareholders and alumni:

IT GOES without saying that we're all very surprised - and deeply saddened - by the sudden Portillo cancellation. As most of you have probably already heard, Michael is not returning for our autumn session because of unforeseen career commitments, which is a pity, as I think the whole staff would agree that we were making some real progress there. I told him myself, when he came by my office to get his Rolex out of the safe, that I didn't think he was ready to fight a by-election. Still, he's come a long way. We must remember that this time two years ago he was still refusing to admit that he was even a little bit Spanish.

There is some good news: I think I've pretty well talked Michael into coming back in the spring to lead a seminar called Giving Up On Gay: Is Your Homosexuality Holding You Back? That title is provisional, by the way, in case anyone has any good puns. A high-profile MP (fingers crossed!) like Michael could really turn the whole Past Life Repression department around. I'll bet there's a lot of folks out there who are desperate to face up to youthful indiscretions in a healthy, positive, opinion-poll- friendly manner. I was even toying with the idea of changing the name of the Persuasion Reassignment Wing to Peter House, although I'm worried it might attract a lot of right-wing philosophers on dirty weekends. They're free to come if they want to, but I'm not doing any discounts.

Elsewhere on the psycho-political front, we've had a big response to the Harriet Harman promotion, including some discreet inquiries from a number of Labour MPs (no names, sorry!). Harman Obsessive Vengeance syndrome is a much more widespread phenomenon than many of our competitors realised, so we seem to be in the forefront as far as treatment is concerned. A number of clients who have been working with the Harriet puppets are now HOV-negative, and we have plans to replace the puppets with a fully digital virtual Harriet. If anyone can do her voice, please call me and leave a sample on my answering machine.

Pathological obsession with politicians is an obvious growth area for us, but we must be careful how we proceed, or we might end up looking foolish. Last week one of the sex counsellors tried to tell me about a guy who likes to dress up as Margaret Beckett. I told him, don't even think about it.

Note to all staff in the Career Resuscitation Unit: stand by for another ex-EastEnder. Patsy Palmer has left the show, as if you didn't know, and she should be arriving sometime after six on the shuttlebus, depending on the traffic. I understand we're a bit short on beds in the Soap Suite, but casting changes of this nature are notoriously difficult to predict and our intelligence reports are not all they could be. As if this weren't enough, there was some kind of explosion on Brookside a couple of weeks back, and as a result we're now having to ration tennis court time. When Ms Palmer gets here I would like her to be given a thorough debriefing, even before she's searched, in case she has any clues as to who else might be getting the push this year. I hear one of the bald ones might be getting killed soon.

I know I've said this before, but we'd have a lot more space on the ward if the Career Resuscitation Unit was doing its job properly. Has anyone found anything for Vanessa yet? What's happening with her Christmas single? In the old days we used to get three anorexics in that room. I know the CRU has had some incredible successes this year, but that's no reason to rest on our laurels, people. Let's all stop patting ourselves on the back about Martine McCutcheon, and get back to work.

Last but not least: the lovely Mrs Zoe Ball-Boy Slim will be checking in some time next month for some pre-family counselling. Her stay here is essential to the promotion of our newest concept, the idea that people should plan a breakdown and a recovery before they start a relationship, career or family, instead of the other way round. I've been talking to her people about maybe doing some billboards. Mrs Ball-Boy-Slim is by all accounts a happy, lively, well-adjusted individual, so it's your job to convince her that there's something wrong with her. Good luck.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Volunteer your expertise as Trustee for The Society of Experimental Biology

Unpaid Voluntary Position : Reach Volunteering: Promising volunteer Trustee op...

Email Designer

£30000 - £35000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client is curr...

Psychology Teacher

£110 - £130 per hour: Randstad Education Reading: Psychology Teacher needed fo...

Food Technology Teacher

£85 - £120 per day: Randstad Education Cheshire: Randstad Education are curren...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Islamic State: ‘The world cares nothing’ for Syrian city under Isis siege

Patrick cockburn
London's New Year's Eve fireworks event is going to be ticketed this year for the first time at £10 a head  

London’s far too exclusive already, so don’t start charging people for the New Year’s Eve fireworks

Mary Dejevsky
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam
'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

Exclusive extract from Janis Winehouse's poignant new memoir
Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

The Imitation Game, film review
England and Roy Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption in Basel

England and Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption

Welbeck double puts England on the road to Euro 2016
Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Pictures removed from public view as courts decide ownership
‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

Donatella Versace at New York Fashion Week