The Gazza school of languages - it's enough to make you weep

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IT'S NEARLY World Cup time, the time when thousands of you will be flooding across the Channel in search of football fulfilment, in the grip of the passion and despair which can only come from supporting the England or Scotland football team!

And that's not all. You'll also find they speak a different language over there in France.

It's called French.

Why not learn a modicum before you go there? It will really improve the quality of life for you! To help you, I have drawn up a basic list of the phrases you will need to make sense of football life in France this fateful June.

Ready? Here we go!

Regardez Paul.

Look at Paul.

Pauvre Paul.

Poor Paul.

Paul s'enrage.

Paul seems to be in a bit of a paddy about something.

Qu'est-ce qu'il a?

What's up with him now?

On lui a chuchote a l'oreille qu'il ne va pas jouer pour Angleterre dans la lutte pour la Coupe Jules Rimet.

He has been told that he has been dropped from the final England squad line-up.

Oh la la la la!

Blimey O'Reilly!

Il ne peut pas le croire.

He is incredulous.

D'abord, il ne comprend pas meme ce qu'on lui dit.

To begin with, he cannot believe his ears, and his ears cannot really believe it either.

Hier soir, il a beaucoup bu.

Last night he put a few away.

Et maintenant il a une tete comme l'interieur d'un Aga.

And now he is a bit fuzzy.

Donc, il ne peut pas digerer la nouvelle amere.

So he is finding it all a bit hard to take in.

Surtout parce qu'il n'est pas celebre pour son IQ.

Especially as he is not quick on the uptake at the best of times.

A ce qu'on dit.

Allegedly.

Lui? Gazza? Heros de Wembley? Ami de Chris Evans? Fils du Nord-Est d'Angleterre, oui, Geordieland, ou l'on fabrique la fameuse biere Brune de Chateauneuf?

Him? Gazza? Creator of that famous goal in Euro 96 where he flicked the ball over the Scottish defender and slotted it home, which they keep showing over and over on the telly, until we are all sick of it, not least the Scottish defender in question?

"Ce n'est pas vrai!"

"I don't sodding believe it!"

Paul perd son cool.

See Paul lose his rag.

Il donne un coup de pied aux meubles de Glenn Hoddle.

He kicks Glenn Hoddle's furniture.

D'apres ce qu'on dit.

Allegedly.

C'est pas sage, ca.

Not a good idea, Paul.

On peut abimer sa propre chambre, mais...

If you're going to trash a hotel room, it should be your own....

N'importe...

Still and all...

C'est la fin pour Gazza maintenant, je crois.

It's curtains for Gazza, internationally speaking.

Point de vue mariage, aussi.

Maritally speakng, too.

N'importe, hein!

Never mind, eh?

Il a toujours ses copains...

He still has his mates.

L'ami gros et gras...

Danny Baker...

L'ami espiegle au poil de carotte...

Chris Evans.

Avec des amis comme ca...

With friends like that...

Qui a besoin des ennemis?

Who needs enemies ?

Un Notaire Ajoute:

A Lawyer Writes:

Fais gaffe, M. Kington. N'oubliez pas les lois de diffamation.

Don't forget the libel laws, Mr Kington.

Dac!

Fair enough!

(Coming soon - more vital French phrases AND the lowdown on M. Jules Rimet...)

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