The Gazza school of languages - it's enough to make you weep

Share
Related Topics
IT'S NEARLY World Cup time, the time when thousands of you will be flooding across the Channel in search of football fulfilment, in the grip of the passion and despair which can only come from supporting the England or Scotland football team!

And that's not all. You'll also find they speak a different language over there in France.

It's called French.

Why not learn a modicum before you go there? It will really improve the quality of life for you! To help you, I have drawn up a basic list of the phrases you will need to make sense of football life in France this fateful June.

Ready? Here we go!

Regardez Paul.

Look at Paul.

Pauvre Paul.

Poor Paul.

Paul s'enrage.

Paul seems to be in a bit of a paddy about something.

Qu'est-ce qu'il a?

What's up with him now?

On lui a chuchote a l'oreille qu'il ne va pas jouer pour Angleterre dans la lutte pour la Coupe Jules Rimet.

He has been told that he has been dropped from the final England squad line-up.

Oh la la la la!

Blimey O'Reilly!

Il ne peut pas le croire.

He is incredulous.

D'abord, il ne comprend pas meme ce qu'on lui dit.

To begin with, he cannot believe his ears, and his ears cannot really believe it either.

Hier soir, il a beaucoup bu.

Last night he put a few away.

Et maintenant il a une tete comme l'interieur d'un Aga.

And now he is a bit fuzzy.

Donc, il ne peut pas digerer la nouvelle amere.

So he is finding it all a bit hard to take in.

Surtout parce qu'il n'est pas celebre pour son IQ.

Especially as he is not quick on the uptake at the best of times.

A ce qu'on dit.

Allegedly.

Lui? Gazza? Heros de Wembley? Ami de Chris Evans? Fils du Nord-Est d'Angleterre, oui, Geordieland, ou l'on fabrique la fameuse biere Brune de Chateauneuf?

Him? Gazza? Creator of that famous goal in Euro 96 where he flicked the ball over the Scottish defender and slotted it home, which they keep showing over and over on the telly, until we are all sick of it, not least the Scottish defender in question?

"Ce n'est pas vrai!"

"I don't sodding believe it!"

Paul perd son cool.

See Paul lose his rag.

Il donne un coup de pied aux meubles de Glenn Hoddle.

He kicks Glenn Hoddle's furniture.

D'apres ce qu'on dit.

Allegedly.

C'est pas sage, ca.

Not a good idea, Paul.

On peut abimer sa propre chambre, mais...

If you're going to trash a hotel room, it should be your own....

N'importe...

Still and all...

C'est la fin pour Gazza maintenant, je crois.

It's curtains for Gazza, internationally speaking.

Point de vue mariage, aussi.

Maritally speakng, too.

N'importe, hein!

Never mind, eh?

Il a toujours ses copains...

He still has his mates.

L'ami gros et gras...

Danny Baker...

L'ami espiegle au poil de carotte...

Chris Evans.

Avec des amis comme ca...

With friends like that...

Qui a besoin des ennemis?

Who needs enemies ?

Un Notaire Ajoute:

A Lawyer Writes:

Fais gaffe, M. Kington. N'oubliez pas les lois de diffamation.

Don't forget the libel laws, Mr Kington.

Dac!

Fair enough!

(Coming soon - more vital French phrases AND the lowdown on M. Jules Rimet...)

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

BI Developer - Sheffield - £35,000 ~ £40,000 DOE

£35000 - £40000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: My client is...

Employment Solicitor

Highly Competitive Salary: Austen Lloyd: MANCHESTER - Senior Employment Solici...

Senior Risk Manager - Banking - London - £650

£600 - £650 per day: Orgtel: Conduct Risk Liaison Manager - Banking - London -...

Commercial Litigation Associate

Highly Attractive Package: Austen Lloyd: CITY - COMMERCIAL LITIGATION - GLOBAL...

Day In a Page

 

Opponents of Israel's military operation in Gaza are the real enemies of Middle Eastern peace

Gabriel Sassoon
Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business, from Sarah Millican to Marcus Brigstocke

Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business

For all those wanting to know how stand-ups keep standing, here are some of the best moments
Jokes on Hollywood: 'With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on'

Jokes on Hollywood

With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on
Edinburgh Fringe 2014: The comedy highlights, from Bridget Christie to Jack Dee

Edinburgh Fringe 2014

The comedy highlights, from Bridget Christie to Jack Dee
Evan Davis: The BBC’s wolf in sheep’s clothing to take over at Newsnight

The BBC’s wolf in sheep’s clothing

What will Evan Davis be like on Newsnight?
Finding the names for America’s shame: What happens to the immigrants crossing the US-Mexico border without documents who never make it past the Arizona desert?

Finding the names for America’s shame

The immigrants crossing the US-Mexico border without documents who never make it past the Arizona desert
Inside a church for Born Again Christians: Speaking to God in a Manchester multiplex

Inside a church for Born Again Christians

As Britain's Anglican church struggles to establish its modern identity, one branch of Christianity is booming
Rihanna, Kim Kardashian and me: How Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain

Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain

Parisian couturier Pierre Balmain made his name dressing the mid-century jet set. Today, Olivier Rousteing – heir to the house Pierre built – is celebrating their 21st-century equivalents. The result? Nothing short of Balmania
Cancer, cardiac arrest, HIV and homelessness - and he's only 39

Incredible survival story of David Tovey

Tovey went from cooking for the Queen to rifling through bins for his supper. His is a startling story of endurance against the odds – and of a social safety net failing at every turn
Backhanders, bribery and abuses of power have soared in China as economy surges

Bribery and abuses of power soar in China

The bribery is fuelled by the surge in China's economy but the rules of corruption are subtle and unspoken, finds Evan Osnos, as he learns the dark arts from a master
Commonwealth Games 2014: Highland terriers stole the show at the opening ceremony

Highland terriers steal the show at opening ceremony

Gillian Orr explores why a dog loved by film stars and presidents is finally having its day
German art world rocked as artists use renowned fat sculpture to distil schnapps

Brewing the fat from artwork angers widow of sculptor

Part of Joseph Beuys' 1982 sculpture 'Fettecke' used to distil schnapps
BBC's The Secret History of Our Streets reveals a fascinating window into Britain's past

BBC takes viewers back down memory lane

The Secret History of Our Streets, which returns with three films looking at Scottish streets, is the inverse of Benefits Street - delivering warmth instead of cynicism
Joe, film review: Nicolas Cage delivers an astonishing performance in low budget drama

Nicolas Cage shines in low-budget drama Joe

Cage plays an ex-con in David Gordon Green's independent drama, which has been adapted from a novel by Larry Brown
How to make your own gourmet ice lollies, granitas, slushy cocktails and frozen yoghurt

Make your own ice lollies and frozen yoghurt

Think outside the cool box for this summer's tempting frozen treats
Ford Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time, with sales topping 4.1 million since 1976

Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time

Sales have topped 4.1 million since 1976. To celebrate this milestone, four Independent writers recall their Fiestas with pride