The minds of Middle England

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The Independent Online
What is Middle England? It is the place John Major wants to recapture.

Where is Middle England?

It is all around us.

How shall we recognise it?

If John Major can recognise it, it cannot be too difficult for us to recognise.

How does John Major recognise it?

By its hearts and minds.

What is special about its hearts and minds?

They are drifting away from the Government, and John Major wants them back.

How will he get them back?

By getting cross with Bill Clinton for inviting Gerry Adams to the White House.

Will this get them back?

No.

Then why does John Major do it?

Because someone has shown John Major a bit of research which shows that nobody in Middle England would want Gerry Adams in his home, so he is trying to make something out of it.

Would anyone in Middle England want John Major in his home right now?

Not a lot.

Sorry, where did you say Middle England was?

All around us. Seething with discontent. Miles from the nearest hospital, which is just about to be closed by Virginia Bottomley. Miles from the nearest railway station, which is just about to be sold off to chums of the Government. Miles from the nearest policeman, who is too busy having to fill in forms to get out and about. Middle England is in the middle of nowhere.

Gosh. No wonder their hearts and minds have gone walkabout.

The inhabitants of Middle England also find their life savings are not being passed on to the next generation, as was the case up to now, but are having to be spent on health care and accommodation for themselves. They think dreadful things are happening to schools and hospitals. They blame the Government for this.

Does the Government take the blame for this?

The Government does not take the blame for anything.

Except for losing the hearts and minds of Middle England?

I think you will find the Government blames Middle England for letting its own hearts and minds drift.

Shouldn't the Government say sorry to Middle England before trying to recapture their hearts and minds?

That is not the way politics works.

Sorry. How does politics work?

When politicians find they are unpopular, they say their message is not getting through and they must try harder to get it across.

Is Middle England trying to say something back to the politicians?

Yes. Middle England has a message for the Government.

What is this message?

"Push off."

Is that the exact wording?

Not exactly.

What is the exact wording?

Never mind.

Is the message getting through to the politicians?

No.

Is there no such place as Middle Scotland or Middle Wales?

Yes, there is.

Is the Government trying to capture the hearts and minds of Middle Scotland and Middle Wales?

No.

Why not?

Too much like hard work.

In what other ways is the Government trying to recapture the hearts and minds of Middle England?

By attacking the BBC for being crypto-leftist. By portraying itself as the government of tax-cutting without actually cutting any taxes. By calling a snap election on this coming VE-Day.

Is it really going to do that?

No. It did consider it, but someone remembered what happened in the general election after the real VE-Day.

You mean, Churchill being chucked out?

Yes.

Still, Labour victory in the post-war election did mean the Tories could later blame Labour for post-war shortages and rationing, didn't it?

Sure.

So why doesn't the Tory government listen to Middle England and get out now, leaving Labour to get the blame for the coming mess?

Secretly, that is what they would like to do, but they cannot afford to admit it. No party has ever gone into an election hoping openly to lose.

So what can they do instead?

Say they want to recapture the hearts and minds of Middle England.

Which they can't do?

Not just by saying they want to do it.

So is it just another way of losing the next election?

Seems like it.

But that's incredible.

Yes, isn't it?

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