The Pope in Cuba, via CJD, Robin Cook and the contents of the millennium Dome

Click to follow
The Independent Online
How well do YOU keep up with the news? Are you in touch with the corridors of power, or are you trapped in the broom cupboard of ignorance ? Have you got your finger on the pulse of the American public or have you been arrested for putting your hand on their wrist?

Well, if you think you are reasonably well versed in what's what and who's doing it to whom, we challenge you to take our monthly news quiz! All you have to do is read the following questions and then answer them.

OK, here we go:

1. If President Clinton went on television and said that he was resigning as the US President, how would we know if he were telling the truth or not?

2. The US has forbidden all foreign trade with Cuba. The Pope has recently disobeyed this order by going on a goodwill mission to Havana. Washington has therefore slapped a trade embargo on the the Papacy, and forbidden all international trade with the Vatican. President Clinton has, as it were, excommunicated the Pope. True or false?

3. Fearful of a future trade embargo, the Vatican has long ago transferred all its manufacturing base out of the Vatican, so that it doesn't actually export anything from there. True or false?

4. Saddam Hussein has always suspected that Iraq might be subject to a surprise military attack, as indeed it was, by Iran. Therefore he has developed secret weapons to neutralise such a surprise military attack. The US has insisted on its right (via the UN) to neutralise such secret weapons. Saddam Hussein disputes this right. The US is therefore planning a secret military attack on Iraq to prove him wrong. But Saddam Hussein will say that such a secret military attack will show that he was right all along to be prepared for it. Can you spot the logical flaw, if any, in the above statement?

5. Which of the following are now known to be real, and which are thought to be fictional? a) The Northern Ireland Peace Process b) The Global Warming Process c) The Robin Cook Love Process d) The Bill Clinton Sex Process.

6. It is commonly thought that the Vatican did not, in fact, have any export trade and therefore could not be subject to a trade embargo. However, they sell millions of dollars worth of Catholic souvenirs every year, all in the worst possible taste, and the manufacture of these has now been transferred from the Holy See to safe Catholic countries such as Mexico and ... well, Mexico, and registered under false names to protect the Pope. True or false?

7. Which of the following has been chosen to be stored and displayed in the Millennium Dome? a) Two Fat Ladies b) The 1997 Labour manifesto, with certain pages torn out c) The entire Government VIP lounge from Heathrow Airport. d) A St Francis of Assisi cocktail shaker.

8. CJD stands for what? a) Criminal Justice Department b) Crate of Jack Daniels c) Co-starring Jack Dee d) "Cranberry Juice" Delia e) Cunningham, Jack, so-called "Doctor".

9. During his recent visit to Cuba, which was staged ostensibly for religious reasons, the Pope in fact fixed a multi-million deal with Castro whereby the lucrative Catholic souvenir trade would have its manufacturing base in Cuba from now on. True or false?

10. Which Robin Cook would you rather be? a) The American author of books such as Coma b) The British author of such books as He Died With His Eyes Open c) The character featured in the nursery rhyme: "All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing, / When they heard of the extremely tangled private love life of Cook, Robin" d) Any other Robin Cook.

First correct entry receives a prize of an effigy of the Blessed Virgin Mary which is usable as a cigarette lighter, marked `Fabricado en Cuba'.