The smartest card around

Share
Related Topics
From tomorrow there will be an entirely new kind of cashcard on the market. It's called the Independex card and it is going to totally revolutionise our cash transactions.

Here's how it works:

Let's say that you are in a strange town and you suddenly get an overpowering desire to put pounds 50 on My Delight in the 3.30 at Chepstow at a very favourable 70-1.

You don't know where the bookie is in this strange town, and even if you did he probably wouldn't honour your credit.

So what do you do?

I'll tell you what you do.

You get your Independex card out of your wallet, go into a phone box and use your Independex card just like a phone card. Not only will it pay for the phone call, but it will put you straight through to your own bookie and - using the cash encodement on the card - place the bet automatically for you.

And that's not all! If you win the bet, your winnings will automatically be added to the microchip on your Independex card, thus immediately enhancing the value of your Independex card, and giving you a hell of a good time in that strange town tonight!

Did we mention the name of the card, by the way?

That's right! It's the Independex card!

Ah, that's all very well, you may say, but what if I am in a strange town and I do want to place a large bet on a horse and I can't even find a phone box to go into? How can I use my Independex card then?

Easy. You just get out your mobile phone and use the card in that. Because the Independex card is the first ever card which can be used with a mobile phone. As long, of course, as you use the new Independomobile phone, which has been specially developed for use with the Independex card.

But, you will naturally ask, is this the only use for the Independex card? Is that the only thing I can do with it - place bets on horses?

By no means! It is one of the best, but it is far from being the only one.

Here are some other things you can do with your Independex card:

Find out immediately how much cash there is in any of Jonathan Aitken's bank accounts.

Bet on the National Lottery.

Put money directly into Tory party funds, in the account marked "Towards Your Knighthood".

Bet on the National Lottery, using money out of any of Jonathan Aitken's bank accounts.

Transfer money directly from Jonathan Aitken's bank account into Tory party funds.

Put up the Bank of England base rate to a more realistic figure - or down.

Speculate wildly against a basket of currencies.

Bid directly in a Sotheby's auction up to pounds 1m at a time, using a disguised voice on your mobile phone.

Transfer millions of pounds to the McLibel Two fighting fund, taking it directly from McDonald's main bank account!

In other words, you can do most anything with an Independex cashcard!

Here's a letter we got recently from a customer in Hollywood:

"Dear Independex, I must tell you that I was out the other night cruising in my car along Sunset Boulevard, when I saw a young lady looking for company, and my immediate thought was - Oh, no! I haven't got any money on me! Then I thought - Hold on, haven't I got my Independex cashcard on me? That should do the trick! And boy, it certainly did the trick ...!"

Well, perhaps that's enough of that particular letter. But here's another we got only yesterday:

"Dear Independex, I just want to say how useful I found you in Wimbledon the other day. I was playing in the men's singles and found myself in a position where I had to be rude to an umpire and storm out and default, anyway, let's not go into that, the point is that they slapped a spot fine of pounds 10,000 on me.

"Well, I don't have that sort of money on me, so I said: `Do you take Independex card?'

"And they said: `Sure, we take Independex cashcard - whose account do you want the money taken out of?'

"And I said: `What about Andre Agassi's?'

"And they said: `No problem, thanks to Independex card.' So, thanks, Mr Independex card!"

Here's another letter, from a Mr John Redwood, asking us to guarantee that if he offered to increase public spending and decrease taxes, we could tide him over.

We said - no problem!

Are you interested in this sort of service?

Then apply for a card today!

Just send us a blank cheque.

We'll do the rest.

Look forward to hearing from you!

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: In House Counsel - Contracts

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This leading supplier of compliance software a...

Recruitment Genius: Associate System Engineer

£24000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The Associate System Engineer r...

Recruitment Genius: Executive Assistant

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: An Executive Assistant is required to join a l...

Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager - B2B, Corporate - City, London

£45000 - £50000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, glo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Zoe Sugg, aka Zoella, with her boyfriend, fellow vlogger Alfie Deyes  

If children are obese then blame food manufacturers, not Zoella

Jane Merrick
Amos Yee arrives with his father at the State courts in Singapore on March 31  

Singapore's arrest of a 16-year-old YouTuber is all you need to know about Lee Kuan Yew's legacy

Noah Sin
General Election 2015: The masterminds behind the scenes

The masterminds behind the election

How do you get your party leader to embrace a message and then stick to it? By employing these people
Machine Gun America: The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons

Machine Gun America

The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons
The ethics of pet food: Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?

The ethics of pet food

Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?
How Tansy Davies turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

How a composer turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

Tansy Davies makes her operatic debut with a work about the attack on the Twin Towers. Despite the topic, she says it is a life-affirming piece
11 best bedside tables

11 best bedside tables

It could be the first thing you see in the morning, so make it work for you. We find night stands, tables and cabinets to wake up to
Italy vs England player ratings: Did Andros Townsend's goal see him beat Harry Kane and Wayne Rooney to top marks?

Italy vs England player ratings

Did Townsend's goal see him beat Kane and Rooney to top marks?
Danny Higginbotham: An underdog's tale of making the most of it

An underdog's tale of making the most of it

Danny Higginbotham on being let go by Manchester United, annoying Gordon Strachan, utilising his talents to the full at Stoke and plunging into the world of analysis
Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police

Steve Bunce: Inside Boxing

Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police
No postcode? No vote

Floating voters

How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

By Reason of Insanity

Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

Power dressing is back

But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

Caves were re-opened to the public
'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

Vince Cable interview

'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

Promises, promises

But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

The death of a Gaza fisherman

He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat