The Time Lord lands in a period drama

Share
Related Topics
The BBC was always fond of repeating programmes, but now it has started repeating ideas as well. Dear old Dr Who is back on our screens after all these years. Jane Austen is never off our screens. The corpse of 'Call My Bluff' has been revived and is haunting daytime TV. 'Just William' keeps coming back. ... It's only a matter of time before the BBC desperately tries to combine them all in one glorious edition of ...

Dr Who And the Battle For Regency England

The scene is an 18th-century drawing room. Three young sisters, Katie, Emma and Caroline, are sitting on a sofa, sewing and talking about young men in general and husbands-to-be in particular.

Katie: I sometimes think how wonderful it would be if some young gentleman would pay a call totally unannounced and break the tedium of the afternoon!

Emma: Don't look now, but I think you may well have your request granted.

All this time, through the window, she and we can see a police box labelled 'Tardis' materialising in the garden, and Dr Who emerging, looking rather dazed. The girls rush to the window. He spies the front door and moves towards it, and they rush back to their seats. Moments later he enters the drawing room and addresses the girls.

Dr Who: Ladies, may I ask you something?

Katie: Sir, we have not been introduced.

Dr Who: There is not time for that, I fear. I need to know one thing immediately. In what century are we?

Katie: A gentleman, sir, need not know what century it is to have some manners. A knowledge of etiquette is more important than a knowledge of chronology.

Emma: Katie, can you not see that the young man is in some trouble? This is no time for social games. To Dr Who. We have just entered the 19th century, sir. These are Napoleonic times.

Dr Who: Are they, by heavens? Then where are the Tarjeets?

Emma: There is no family of that name in this neighbourhood, sir. Are they of good stock?

Dr Who: They are small, four-armed creatures whom I am pursuing through the time spectrum. I must catch them before they bring the Jewel of Tryggvasar back to the Palace of Sighs and change the result of the Napoleonic Wars.

Caroline: They have jewels? They sound interesting. Are they handsome?

Dr Who: No. They are very warty and their ears are detachable.

Caroline: Hmm. Even so, if they have many jewels ... A girl cannot pick and choose for ever ...

Dr Who: With your permission, I shall search the house upstairs.

As he leaves, the girls look at each other meaningfully, for Dr Who is very handsome. But before they can sit again, a small tousled boy with muddy marks on his face enters, holding a letter. It is William.

William: Excuse me, but I'm tryin' to find a Miss Emma to give a letter to. I've walked all round Hadleigh trying to find a girl called Emma, and they're all called Susie and Peggy and silly ol' names like that. I don't know why girls can't have sensible names like Red Hand and Carla the Kidnapper ...

Emma: I am called Emma. From whom is the letter?

William: From my brother Robert. He wants to marry you. I hope you do, so that he can move out of the house and I can have his bedroom. And his bike.

Emma: Marry him ? But I don't even know him!

William: That's all right. I know him a sight better than I would like to. If there's anything you want to know, you can ask me ...

Emma: Well, what is he like? Has he any money?

William: He orders you about the whole time, he hates you goin' in his wardrobe and he's just got pounds 5 because he's sold his airgun.

Emma: And with only that, he wants to be my suitor?

William: I dunno. What's a suitor?

Katie: A suitor is a man who wants your hand in marriage.

Emma: No, actually, a suitor is a sea bird found in Chile which makes a noise like a football crowd.

Caroline: Actually, a suitor is the name that they gave in Victorian times to the device that kept suits well pressed on damp nights.

Enter Dr Who, as chairman of the game.

Dr Who: So there we have "suitor", defined three ways. It's a sea bird, a man who proposes marriage or ... He looks at William for the first time. By heavens! Are you one of the Tarjeets?

Coming soon on the BBC - part two! Well, just as soon as we have repeated part one a few times.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Interactive / Mobile Developer

£40000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This digital production agency ...

Recruitment Genius: PHP Developer - Midweight

£40000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This digital production agency ...

Recruitment Genius: Junior Front End Developer

£20000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This digital production agency ...

Recruitment Genius: Front End Developer - Midweight / Senior

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This digital production agency ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The UCAS clearing house call centre in Cheltenham, England  

Ucas should share its data on students from poor backgrounds so we can get a clearer picture of social mobility

Conor Ryan
A study of 16 young women performing light office work showed that they were at risk of being over-chilled by air conditioning in summer  

It's not just air conditioning that's guilty of camouflage sexism

Mollie Goodfellow
Giants Club: After wholesale butchery of Idi Amin's regime, Uganda’s giants flourish once again

Uganda's giants are flourishing once again

After the wholesale butchery of Idi Amin's regime, elephant populations are finally recovering
The London: After 350 years, the riddle of Britain's exploding fleet is finally solved

After 350 years, the riddle of Britain's exploding fleet is finally solved

Archaeologists will recover a crucial item from the wreck of the London which could help shed more light on what happened in the vessel's final seconds
Airbus has patented a jet that could fly from London to New York in one hour

Airbus has patented a jet that could fly from London to New York in one hour

The invention involves turbojets and ramjets - a type of jet engine - and a rocket motor
Tate Sensorium: New exhibition at Tate Britain invites art lovers to taste, smell and hear art

Tate Sensorium

New exhibition at Tate Britain invites art lovers to taste, smell and hear art
10 best sun creams for kids

10 best sun creams for kids

Protect delicate and sensitive skin with products specially formulated for little ones
Ashes 2015: Nice guy Steven Finn is making up for lost time – and quickly

Nice guy Finn is making up for lost time – and quickly

He was man-of-the-match in the third Test following his recall to the England side
Ashes 2015: Remember Ashton Agar? The No 11 that nearly toppled England

Remember Ashton Agar?

The No 11 that nearly toppled England
Turkey-Kurdish conflict: Obama's deal with Ankara is a betrayal of Syrian Kurds and may not even weaken Isis

US betrayal of old ally brings limited reward

Since the accord, the Turks have only waged war on Kurds while no US bomber has used Incirlik airbase, says Patrick Cockburn
VIPs gather for opening of second Suez Canal - but doubts linger over security

'A gift from Egypt to the rest of the world'

VIPs gather for opening of second Suez Canal - but is it really needed?
Jeremy Corbyn dresses abysmally. That's a great thing because it's genuine

Jeremy Corbyn dresses abysmally. That's a great thing because it's genuine

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, applauds a man who clearly has more important things on his mind
The male menopause and intimations of mortality

Aches, pains and an inkling of mortality

So the male menopause is real, they say, but what would the Victorians, 'old' at 30, think of that, asks DJ Taylor
Man Booker Prize 2015: Anna Smaill - How can I possibly be on the list with these writers I have idolised?

'How can I possibly be on the list with these writers I have idolised?'

Man Booker Prize nominee Anna Smaill on the rise of Kiwi lit
Bettany Hughes interview: The historian on how Socrates would have solved Greece's problems

Bettany Hughes interview

The historian on how Socrates would have solved Greece's problems
Art of the state: Pyongyang propaganda posters to be exhibited in China

Art of the state

Pyongyang propaganda posters to be exhibited in China
Mildreds and Vanilla Black have given vegetarian food a makeover in new cookbooks

Vegetarian food gets a makeover

Long-time vegetarian Holly Williams tries to recreate some of the inventive recipes in Mildreds and Vanilla Black's new cookbooks