The woes of Windsor

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The Independent Online
June 1953 Queen's Coronation visit to Scotland. Offends Scottish nobility by not wearing state robes, but a blue dress and matching handbag.

1954 Margaret stages amateur production of Edgar Wallace thriller, The Frog, in the West End. Noel Coward describes it as 'one of the most fascinating exhibitions of incompetence I have ever seen.'

1954 Philip and Queen have row in Australia. Queen seen red-eyed at Victoria state parliament opening.

1959 Philip accused of turning water sprinkler on photographers at Chelsea Flower Show. Buckingham Palace issues denial: 'Someone else must have pressed the button.'

1963 Charles goes to Gordonstoun. Is spotted drinking cherry brandy in a local pub (the 'Cherry brandy affair').

1969 During filming of Royal Family, Charles accidentally snaps his cello string in Edward's face. The director is told to cut scene of Edward crying. He compromises: Edward is shown starting to cry.

1976 Pierre Trudeau offends Queen by wearing casual clothes in the royal enclosure during the Montreal Olympics (the 'No socks in royal box affair').

1982 Diana persuades Charles to use her hairdresser. He appears with a bouffant hairstyle with centre parting, then, at a polo match, in a purple leather bomber jacket. He abandons both fashion experiments and the marriage goes downhill.

1983 The first Mark Phillips Horse Trial at Gatcombe Park. Anne collects money and Mark explains to reporters that they have to pay the mortgage.

February 1987 Edward quits Marines for a career in the theatre. The New York Post describes him as 'the weeping wimp of Windsor'.

Summer 1987 It's a Royal Knockout at Alton Towers, produced by Edward. The previous evening Andrew and Fergie get into practice with a food fight at the local hotel.

1988 Charles' 40th Birthday Bash at the Palace. The Queen dances to 'La Bamba'.

1989 Philip tells US journalists that blood sports are no different to being a butcher selling meat for money: 'I don't think that doing it for money makes it any more moral. I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.'

1989 The Duchess of York returns from the United States carrying 51 pieces of excess baggage. In the cases are six pairs of shoes costing pounds 562, pounds 3,125-worth of handbags, six Italian sweaters at pounds 625 each and a pounds 515 teddy bear.

1991 In Miami, schoolboy Uriah Goldfinger asks Elizabeth how long she has been Queen. 'Too long,' she replies.

1991 Diana says: 'When we first got married we were everyone's idea of the world's most ideal couple. Now they say we are leading separate lives. The next thing I know, I'll read in some newspaper that I've got a black lover.'

March 1992 Separation of Andrew and Fergie.

April 1992 Anne divorces Mark.

June 1992 Publication of Andrew Morton's Diana - Her True Story. There is no black lover.

November 1992 Windsor Castle spontaneously combusts.

November 1992 Queen pours her heart out about her annus horribilis and agrees to pay taxes.

December 1992 Separation of Charles and Diana.

December 1992 Wedding of Anne and Timothy Laurence at Balmoral. Queen Mother does not wish to attend because of her strong views about the sanctity of marriage. Told this is no longer relevant. Queen Mother attends.