They don't make columns like this any more

Share
Related Topics
Ten phrases commonly used by gardeners showing you round their garden.

1. "You should have seen the garden two weeks ago."

2. "No, it doesn't look much, but it's actually a very rare species."

3. "Normally it's a blaze of colour."

4. "You really should see the garden in about two weeks' time."

5. "It's a redunculatus, of course."

6. "...and then the slugs got it."

7. "You really should have seen the garden this morning."

8. "It's from a cutting."

9. "They're normally very difficult to grow."

10. "You should really come back and see the garden this time next year."

Ten phrases commonly used by people who stop you in the street.

1. "Excuse me, please, but I am from Spain and am looking for Wycliffe Gardens, please?"

2. "Do you have a moment to answer a few questions for a survey?"

3. "Hey, mind out for that dog sh... Oh. Too late..."

4. "Hello, I'm Esther Rantzen and I'm going to ask you to make a fool of yourself."

5. "Excuse me, sir, but I am going to have to ask you to come to the manager's office of the shop you have just left to make sure you have receipts for all the objects you may or may not have purchased there."

6. "Sorry, was that your foot?"

7. "Excuse me, but haven't I seen you on the telly somewhere?"

8. "Please, I am from Spain, do you know where a toilet is near here, it is very important?"

9. "Statistics show that old people are rarely attacked in the street, whereas it happens to young people all the time. In your case, however, madam, I am going to make an exception."

10. "If you don't hand over all your available cash immediately, I am afraid I shall be obliged to smash your head in with this baseball bat."

Ten things commonly said to you by people in shops when you ask for something special.

1. "They don't make that any more."

2. "They still make it, but you can't get it any more."

3. "You can still get it, but it's too expensive now."

4. "We had some but they've all gone."

5. "It's been replaced by something better and cheaper, which I am afraid we haven't got in stock."

6. "No, I don't know when we are getting any more."

7. "It could be tomorrow - it could be in three months' time."

8. "Yes, it is true that we have got some in the window but they are just for display purposes."

9. "No, you cannot go in the window and get them."

10. "I shall send for the police if you go in the window and get them."

Ten phrases commonly used by dog-owners.

1. "He's very friendly."

2. "He's very good with children."

3. "He's usually very friendly."

4. "He's just a big puppy, really."

5. "He won't hurt you."

6. "He seems to like you!"

7. "He's never done that before."

8. "You must have done something to upset him."

9. "Just keep very, very still."

10. "He's never eaten anyone before."

Ten phrases commonly used by arms dealers.

1. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

2. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

3. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

4. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

5. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

6. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

7. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

8. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

9. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

10. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

Ten phrases commonly used by people who ring you up.

1. "Is that the occupier of the house?"

2. "Is that the lady of the house?"

3. "You don't know me, but..."

4. "I'll tell you why I rang."

5. "We can offer you a very special deal."

6. "We are in your area next week for a very short while."

7. "We could come round tomorrow."

8. "We could come round now."

9. "I'm actually standing at your front door, talking to you on a mobile."

10. "I would have rung the doorbell, but I had to ring you to say your front door bell isn't working, and as we are in the area offering quality door bell repairs to selected customers..."

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Senior VMware Platform Engineer - VMware / SAN / Tier3 DC

£45000 - £55000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: Senior VMware Platform En...

Recruitment Genius: Purchasing Assistant

£10000 - £16000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A distributor of specialist ele...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Ledger Assistant

£17000 - £19000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A distributor of specialist ele...

Ashdown Group: Automated Tester / Test Analyst - .Net / SQL - Cheshire

£32000 per annum + pension, healthcare & 23 days holiday: Ashdown Group: A gro...

Day In a Page

Read Next
US President Barack Obama and Chinese President Xi Jinping have a drink after agreeing a deal on carbon emissions  

Beijing must face down the perils of being big and powerful – or boom may turn to bust

Peter Popham
Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook  

Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Simon Kelner
War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable
Living with Alzheimer's: What is it really like to be diagnosed with early-onset dementia?

What is it like to live with Alzheimer's?

Depicting early-onset Alzheimer's, the film 'Still Alice' had a profound effect on Joy Watson, who lives with the illness. She tells Kate Hilpern how she's coped with the diagnosis
The Internet of Things: Meet the British salesman who gave real-world items a virtual life

Setting in motion the Internet of Things

British salesman Kevin Ashton gave real-world items a virtual life
Election 2015: Latest polling reveals Tories and Labour on course to win the same number of seats - with the SNP holding the balance of power

Election 2015: A dead heat between Mr Bean and Dick Dastardly!

Lord Ashcroft reveals latest polling – and which character voters associate with each leader
Audiences queue up for 'true stories told live' as cult competition The Moth goes global

Cult competition The Moth goes global

The non-profit 'slam storytelling' competition was founded in 1997 by the novelist George Dawes Green and has seen Malcolm Gladwell, Salman Rushdie and Molly Ringwald all take their turn at the mic
Pakistani women come out fighting: A hard-hitting play focuses on female Muslim boxers

Pakistani women come out fighting

Hard-hitting new play 'No Guts, No Heart, No Glory' focuses on female Muslim boxers
Leonora Carrington transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star

Surreal deal: Leonora Carrington

The artist transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star
LGBT History Month: Pupils discuss topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage

Education: LGBT History Month

Pupils have been discussing topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage
11 best gel eyeliners

Go bold this season: 11 best gel eyeliners

Use an ink pot eyeliner to go bold on the eyes with this season's feline flicked winged liner
Cricket World Cup 2015: Tournament runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

Cricket World Cup runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

The tournament has reached its halfway mark and scores of 300 and amazing catches abound. One thing never changes, though – everyone loves beating England
Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Heptathlete ready to jump at first major title

Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Ready to jump at first major title

After her 2014 was ruined by injury, 21-year-old Briton is leading pentathlete going into this week’s European Indoors. Now she intends to turn form into gold
Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot