They don't make columns like this any more

Share
Related Topics
Ten phrases commonly used by gardeners showing you round their garden.

1. "You should have seen the garden two weeks ago."

2. "No, it doesn't look much, but it's actually a very rare species."

3. "Normally it's a blaze of colour."

4. "You really should see the garden in about two weeks' time."

5. "It's a redunculatus, of course."

6. "...and then the slugs got it."

7. "You really should have seen the garden this morning."

8. "It's from a cutting."

9. "They're normally very difficult to grow."

10. "You should really come back and see the garden this time next year."

Ten phrases commonly used by people who stop you in the street.

1. "Excuse me, please, but I am from Spain and am looking for Wycliffe Gardens, please?"

2. "Do you have a moment to answer a few questions for a survey?"

3. "Hey, mind out for that dog sh... Oh. Too late..."

4. "Hello, I'm Esther Rantzen and I'm going to ask you to make a fool of yourself."

5. "Excuse me, sir, but I am going to have to ask you to come to the manager's office of the shop you have just left to make sure you have receipts for all the objects you may or may not have purchased there."

6. "Sorry, was that your foot?"

7. "Excuse me, but haven't I seen you on the telly somewhere?"

8. "Please, I am from Spain, do you know where a toilet is near here, it is very important?"

9. "Statistics show that old people are rarely attacked in the street, whereas it happens to young people all the time. In your case, however, madam, I am going to make an exception."

10. "If you don't hand over all your available cash immediately, I am afraid I shall be obliged to smash your head in with this baseball bat."

Ten things commonly said to you by people in shops when you ask for something special.

1. "They don't make that any more."

2. "They still make it, but you can't get it any more."

3. "You can still get it, but it's too expensive now."

4. "We had some but they've all gone."

5. "It's been replaced by something better and cheaper, which I am afraid we haven't got in stock."

6. "No, I don't know when we are getting any more."

7. "It could be tomorrow - it could be in three months' time."

8. "Yes, it is true that we have got some in the window but they are just for display purposes."

9. "No, you cannot go in the window and get them."

10. "I shall send for the police if you go in the window and get them."

Ten phrases commonly used by dog-owners.

1. "He's very friendly."

2. "He's very good with children."

3. "He's usually very friendly."

4. "He's just a big puppy, really."

5. "He won't hurt you."

6. "He seems to like you!"

7. "He's never done that before."

8. "You must have done something to upset him."

9. "Just keep very, very still."

10. "He's never eaten anyone before."

Ten phrases commonly used by arms dealers.

1. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

2. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

3. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

4. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

5. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

6. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

7. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

8. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

9. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

10. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

Ten phrases commonly used by people who ring you up.

1. "Is that the occupier of the house?"

2. "Is that the lady of the house?"

3. "You don't know me, but..."

4. "I'll tell you why I rang."

5. "We can offer you a very special deal."

6. "We are in your area next week for a very short while."

7. "We could come round tomorrow."

8. "We could come round now."

9. "I'm actually standing at your front door, talking to you on a mobile."

10. "I would have rung the doorbell, but I had to ring you to say your front door bell isn't working, and as we are in the area offering quality door bell repairs to selected customers..."

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SSRS Report Developer - Urgent Contract - London - £300pd

£300 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: SSRS Report Developer – 3 Mon...

KS1 Teacher

£95 - £150 per day: Randstad Education Birmingham: Key Stage 1 teacher require...

HR Business Partner - Essex - £39,000 plus benefits

£32000 - £39000 per annum + benefits + bonus: Ashdown Group: Generalist HR Man...

Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £30000 per annum + uncapped: SThree: Do you feel like your sales role...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The influx of hundreds of thousands of eastern European workers has significantly altered the composition of some parts of Britain  

Immigration is the issue many in Labour fear most

Nigel Morris
The Lord Mayor of London Fiona Woolf heads the inquiry  

Why should Fiona Woolf be expected to remember every dinner date?

Mark Steel
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker
Renée Zellweger's real crime has been to age in an industry that prizes women's youth over humanity

'Renée Zellweger's real crime was to age'

The actress's altered appearance raised eyebrows at Elle's Women in Hollywood awards on Monday
From Cinderella to The Jungle Book, Disney plans live-action remakes of animated classics

Disney plans live-action remakes of animated classics

From Cinderella to The Jungle Book, Patrick Grafton-Green wonders if they can ever recapture the old magic
Thousands of teenagers to visit battlefields of the First World War in new Government scheme

Pupils to visit First World War battlefields

A new Government scheme aims to bring the the horrors of the conflict to life over the next five years
The 10 best smartphone accessories

Make the most of your mobile: 10 best smartphone accessories

Try these add-ons for everything from secret charging to making sure you never lose your keys again