We'll show the EU how to play ball

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The Independent Online
Secret orders have gone out from John Major to the English football team to help overturn the EU beef ban by refusing to co-operate with other European football teams during the forthcoming European Football Championship!

That's just one of the fabulous scoop stories contained in our great Euro 96 supplement, obtainable from newsagents everywhere.

Yes, in a secret move to end the beef ban AND to show he means business, John Major has given instructions to Terry Venables to withdraw co-operation from all teams in Euro 96 who are members of the EU!

This means that if England should come up against a team like France or Germany, the English players should not:

hand the ball back when it is the other side's throw

take their own throw-ins from the exact place indicated by the linesman

put the ball on the exact spot for free kicks

make any effort to score against the other side

Will Terry Venables go along with this ?

In an exclusive interview with our Euro 96 staff, Terry says: "I don't see it making any difference to our present style of play at all."

Other mouth-watering attractions in our Euro 96 supplement, on sale at all good newsagents, will include such exclusive features as:

"Who actually owns the England football team?"

Our investigators unravel a complicated network of disguised accounts and anonymous companies to reveal that England is jointly owned by the Yrkshire Water Company and Terry Venables Catering Limited.

"Why will the England football strip change with every match? Is it to make a fortune for the franchise-holders, KiddieKit, as youthful supporters have to buy a new shirt with every match?"

"Absolutely not!" reveals Terry Venables, England's colourful coach. "It's to confuse the other side, and to conform with John Major's instruction not to conform with instructions."

Will there be a dangerous diplomatic flashpoint if the Chinese team were to meet the eleven from Taiwan and refuse to play them?

No, reveals our authoritative Euro 96 supplement. This is a European tournament and neither team can enter!

"Will that dishy Alan Hansen be in evidence on TV telling us why England's midfield plan failed?"

"Absolutely!" reveals that dishy Alan Hansen exclusively in our Euro 96 supplement. "I shall be featuring my sexy Scottish accent upfront, falling back on my slow, smouldering smile in midfield and, if necessary, depending in defence on my slightly cynical and laconic glance across at the less-than-charismatic Jimmy Hill. My forecast? England to lose, and Scotland not to win. I like the look of the French very much. And they like the look of me. Can't say fairer than that, can you?"

And that's not all! In our glamorous Euro 96 information and souvenir pack you will also get:

A video showing again in slow motion THAT winning goal against West Germany in 1966

A video showing highlights of Paul Gascoigne's birthday party in Hong Kong in 1996 (cert 18)

A video showing that goal from 1966 yet again, but from a different angle and even slower

A songsheet containing the FULL words of great footballing songs such as "'Ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go!!", "Ooh Aah Cantona!!", "You'll Never Walk Again After we've Finished With You, Mate", "Swing Low, Sweet Cantona", and many many more ...

An exclusive preview of the Battle of the Codes match on 18 September in which the England XI take on the combined Bath and Wigan teams - playing according to the rules of a game yet to be decide - should be the match of the century!

You can get your own personal copy of this information-packed, fun-filled supplement Euro 96 simply by buying it price pounds 13.99 from any newsagent who has got it.

Or you can get it direct from us at pounds 17.99 (inc. p&p).

Or you can nick it from WH Smith.

Or you can wait until after Euro 96 is over and pick it up from any pavement in the country!

Either way, don't miss it!

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