What a situation to be in

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TODAY, a top people's jobs special, in which you may very well find the post you are after, or the person you have been looking for for your own needs.

Situations needed/vacant

ABLE EX-MINISTER recently in charge of heritage, fun, etc, now in free fall and ready to take on regular work of not too demanding nature. Expertise in the field of soccer, opera and . . . well, soccer and opera. The production of any opera based on football, or the funding and training of any football choirs would be ideal, but I am also expert at extracting funds from people who don't know that funds are being extracted from them. Paid overseas holidays would be essential part of job.

HAVE YOU ever wanted to appear on breakfast TV? Have you ever wanted to know someone who could get you on? At last you can, thanks to an ex-pop star who is now in business of getting people on breakfast TV.

FINANCIAL 'EXPERT' may soon be looking for new situation if recession does not end pretty soon. At present in plum government job, and often seen on television, but it could all end any moment, so please contact soonest. Please]

WELSH POLITICIAN, experience of leading party, now looking for meaningful job after promised post in Brussels was withdrawn by double-crossing government. Senior post in some international commission is what is sought, but would settle for steward in rugby club, after-dinner speaking engagements, etc.

PAVAROTTI lookalike urgently needed for international opera television productions. Singing voice not required, but

must have girth and stature, also gestures. You will be required to stand in for and even totally replace Pavarotti on occasions when he is only miming to his own records.

DIRECTOR-GENERAL-

DESIGNATE for the BBC needed. Present Director-General-designate, John Birt, will soon take over as full Director- General of the BBC, and then there will be no director-general-designate. Candidates should have the ability to do what they are told. Interest in politics and current affairs is essential but not useful.

FEMALE COMPANION is needed for New York millionaire. Are you interested in big buildings? Would you like to meet someone who owns lots of them? Do you like looking good? But don't mind playing second fiddle? Would you think it silly to go off and write a novel about a relationship? You might be the girl Donald is looking for. Write to Box 10.

EX-EDITOR of the Times wants to edit another national newspaper. Anything going?

LEADING SPORTSMAN is free for sporting, social, TV, etc engagements. Described as 'England's most popular living cricketer and outstanding batsman', this curly-haired sportsman is unexpectedly free after a promised foreign trip failed to materialise. Commentary job would suit, or quizzes, chat shows, book-signings. Laid- back approach guaranteed.

HAVE YOU recently been judging the Booker Prize or similar award? Do you feel in need of a rest cure? Perhaps even counselling? Why not spend a fortnight at our Mental Detoxification unit in the heart of the country] Sun newspaper in every room, ITV only on room set, Trivial Pursuit sessions in the evening and all hardbacks banned from the premises] 'I was a BAFTA Award judge last year,' writes one satisfied guest, 'and you helped me get it all out of my system.' Another says: 'After being interviewed by Lynn Barber, I just felt so low. I have never felt so drained. It might have taken me years to get over it, if it hadn't been for you. God bless you all at the Media Counselling Centre]' Write to Box F143.

KEEN YOUNG language team, having recently translated and abridged Maastricht treaty for newspapers, etc, now feel they can tackle anything, explain anything to anyone. Sorry, no James Joyce translations.

NEXT SEX goddess after Madonna . . . applications are invited for the post of the next sex goddess after Madonna. Candidates must have all the usual qualifications, plus ability to come through interview with editor of Sunday Times.

VICE-PRESIDENTIAL candidate needed by US presidential candidate, at present lying third in White House Race. Anyone considered.

50,000 MEN, mostly in north of England and Midlands, will be available by Christmas to do anything you like. Used to terrible conditions, dirt, etc.

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