What bliss it is to be detoxed and McKeithless

 

Share
Related Topics

It’s day nine of my 10-day Italian detox, and I have to admit to feeling seriously blissed out. I’m so relaxed that it actually makes me uncomfortable, it being such a rare thing in my existence. I spoke to my wife and kids on Skype, and watched them bickering away back in my normal existence. I told them to calm down and not talk to each other in that manner. Something in my new spiritual persona jarred with them and they all stopped arguing with each other and stared at the screen.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you having an affair?” inquired my wife steelily.

“Please don’t become a hippy,” pleaded my daughter.

“Dad sounds weird, I don’t like it,” wailed my son. 

I’m sure that normal service will soon be resumed in the Joly household once I get back, but at this very moment I am floating on a sea of calm. It took me about three days to get adjusted to the rhythm of this place. I nearly booked a flight home on several occasions as I surveyed the long days ahead, eating very little and with only myself for company. Then I started to enjoy it and feel better. This has been much helped by having numerous Russians here as my fellow guests. Being alone I’ve had loads of time to people-watch.

I have broken them down into two types. The first looks as if he has killed many men, and sits at every meal with a mobile phone to his ear seemingly ordering minions to perform multiple and horrific executions. This type always has a much younger “moll” who sits at the table looking incredibly bored with life.

The other type comes in pairs of men, and seems to have totally misunderstood the detox concept of their chosen destination. They harangue the wonderful waiters and waitresses constantly. “We want change table. We want bread. We want potatoes. We want wine. We want … everything, and here is €10,000 note for you, now go.”

I feel terrible for the fantastically professional staff here at L’Albereta in Lombardy, but they cope with these brutes superbly. Sadly, Russia is where the money is right now, so places like this are forced to rely on the East for business. Soon it will be the Chinese – they are the next expected wave.

Not that most Brits behave any better abroad. The most extreme fasting regime I ever underwent was a couple of years ago in Australia. I spent 17 days in the middle of nowhere with severely limited rations and a very odd assortment of companions.

One was a “health doctor”, but seemed to have more maladies than anybody I’ve ever encountered. She had to have a special chair because of her back, she needed sunglasses because of her weak eyes, she was terrified of the local fauna and insects, and was just about the most unpleasant human being I have ever come across.

Her name, of course, was Gillian McKeith and this was when I was on I’m a Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here! I lost a stone and a half on that show – and got paid for it.  Here in Italy I’m doing the paying, but I’d choose the Russkies any day over another hour with that woman.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Senior Environmental Adviser - Maternity Cover

£37040 - £43600 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The UK's export credit agency a...

Recruitment Genius: CBM & Lubrication Technician

£25000 - £27500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides a compreh...

Recruitment Genius: Care Worker - Residential Emergency Service

£16800 - £19500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Would you like to join an organ...

Recruitment Genius: Senior Landscaper

£25000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: In the last five years this com...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: Whoever and whatever Arthur was, he wasn’t Scottish

Guy Keleny
Labour's Jeremy Corbyn arrives to take part in a Labour party leadership final debate, at the Sage in Gateshead, England, Thursday, Sept. 3  

Jeremy Corbyn is here to stay and the Labour Party is never going to look the same again

Andrew Grice
The long walk west: they fled war in Syria, only to get held up in Hungary – now hundreds of refugees have set off on foot for Austria

They fled war in Syria...

...only to get stuck and sidetracked in Hungary
From The Prisoner to Mad Men, elaborate title sequences are one of the keys to a great TV series

Title sequences: From The Prisoner to Mad Men

Elaborate title sequences are one of the keys to a great TV series. But why does the art form have such a chequered history?
Giorgio Armani Beauty's fabric-inspired foundations: Get back to basics this autumn

Giorgio Armani Beauty's foundations

Sumptuous fabrics meet luscious cosmetics for this elegant look
From stowaways to Operation Stack: Life in a transcontinental lorry cab

Life from the inside of a trucker's cab

From stowaways to Operation Stack, it's a challenging time to be a trucker heading to and from the Continent
Kelis interview: The songwriter and sauce-maker on cooking for Pharrell and crying over potatoes

Kelis interview

The singer and sauce-maker on cooking for Pharrell
Refugee crisis: David Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia - will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi?

Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia...

But will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi, asks Robert Fisk
Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

Humanity must be at the heart of politics, says Jeremy Corbyn
Joe Biden's 'tease tour': Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?

Joe Biden's 'tease tour'

Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?
Britain's 24-hour culture: With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever

Britain's 24-hour culture

With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever
Diplomacy board game: Treachery is the way to win - which makes it just like the real thing

The addictive nature of Diplomacy

Bullying, betrayal, aggression – it may be just a board game, but the family that plays Diplomacy may never look at each other in the same way again
Lady Chatterley's Lover: Racy underwear for fans of DH Lawrence's equally racy tome

Fashion: Ooh, Lady Chatterley!

Take inspiration from DH Lawrence's racy tome with equally racy underwear
8 best children's clocks

Tick-tock: 8 best children's clocks

Whether you’re teaching them to tell the time or putting the finishing touches to a nursery, there’s a ticker for that
Charlie Austin: Queens Park Rangers striker says ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

Charlie Austin: ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

After hitting 18 goals in the Premier League last season, the QPR striker was the great non-deal of transfer deadline day. But he says he'd preferred another shot at promotion
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea