What’s more dangerous in America: penises or guns? This Oregon militia have the answer

That’s the thing about the US: sex is still seen as dangerous while lethal weapons are just par for the course

I’m guessing the South Carolina Ann Summers outlet isn’t doing great business (apart from when they send packages to Oregon) (Getty Images)

It’s been a strange month for a disgruntled group of militiamen in Oregon, who took over a wildlife refuge in an armed protest against the government and failed to bring adequate supplies. The men – who have been quoted as saying that they’d be happy to “die for [their] cause” – began protesting when a father and son were recalled to prison for arson. And before you could say “Let’s not call them terrorists because they’re white people”, the same group had holed themselves up in the local bird sanctuary with a load of guns and, well, not much else.

So the crusaders took action. They released a list of necessary items to their supporters, asking for contributions so they could continue their occupation. And the list was republished by various media, leaving most of us wondering exactly how necessary Miracle Whip, French Vanilla Creamer and Pall Mall Menthols really are when you’re staging your own Wild West-style federal overthrow. “I’ve got my pistol and I’m ready to die for this cause – just as soon as I get some of that delicious Miracle Whip” is truly a war cry for the Instagram generation.

The biggest crime that the militia committed, however, was naivety. After posting their list on social media alongside their address, they expected the well-wishers’ packages to come pouring in. And they did – partly. What they didn’t bank on was the fact that lurking opportunists in the digital badlands might use the information for purposes of hilarity.

“Look at this – a bag of dicks,” said one of the “patriots” in a video they released from inside the wildlife sanctuary a few days after their online plea. In his hand was a packet of comedy jelly penises. At his elbow was a gigantic 15-inch dildo. He looked into the camera and said that he didn’t want any more surprises from people “spending their money on hate, hate, hate”, before dramatically sweeping the packages off the table.

Really, it’s all a matter of perspective as to whether you see a bunch of sex toys as instruments of hatred; there are plenty of people might see that package of plastic dildos as a fortuitous find, rather than a vicious jibe. But then again, if you’re holed up in there as a group of ranchers with your guns, your army fatigues, your cowboy hats and your penchants for French Vanilla Creamer, you’re not going to take kindly to having your masculinity called into question. And what could call your strictly heteronormative, stiff-upper-lip masculinity more into question than the suggestion that you might welcome the introduction of a box of penis-shaped sex aids to the hideout you’re occupying with a bunch of your male friends?

That’s the thing with America: sex is still seen as a dangerous weapon of hatred and transgression, while lethal weaponry is par for the course. You really can genuinely watch a grown man get emotional on video about receiving packages of Ann Summers’ finest while his friend loiters nonchalantly outside with an automatic rifle.

Hop a few states over and you can find yourself in South Carolina, where the state university was forced to apologise this week for sending out a mandatory online survey to students asking them to disclose the number of sexual partners they had been with, and number of sexual activities they’d engaged in, over the past three months. Apparently part of “mandatory online training” on “sexual consent” (no, I can’t work out why either), the survey was rightly questioned by students who didn’t fancy telling their teachers how many people they’d taken their clothes off with in the 12 weeks before coming to university.

Considering that South Carolina law says schools can’t teach “about any type of sexual relationship that’s not heterosexual”, “give information about sexual practices outside of marriage or unrelated to reproduction”, “distribute condoms or contraception”, or “teach about abortion”, it’s perhaps unsurprising that they wanted to comprehensively vet incoming students who might have arrived from other states where sex is sometimes discussed in non-reproductive terms. I’m guessing the South Carolina Ann Summers outlet isn’t doing great business (apart from when they send packages to Oregon).

So what are more dangerous: penises or guns? If the catastrophic failure of US abstinence-only sex education is anything to go by, you might say penises. And after seeing a grown man who’s happy to die in a gunfight with the feds get himself worked up about a dildo, I’d have to agree. There’s one thing that’s become very clear in the last decade in America, however: you can pour all your efforts into preventing adult discussion about both of them – but that doesn’t mean the problems they cause ever go away.