Your Bank Holiday fun guide to virtual politics

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YES, it's dear old May Bank Holiday again (did you all remember to put your barometers back to "wet and windy" last night?), and for those of you lucky enough to be able to get out and about in the bracing weather today, here are some of the more interesting attractions on offer this Maytide!

Tory in Opposition Celebrations

Hyde Park, all day.

It's a year since Labour won office, but the Labour birthday partying has overshadowed the fact that it's also a year since the Tory party achieved their long-awaited goal of getting a refresher season in opposition. In fact, since most people saw the purpose of the general election as getting the Tories out, not Labour in, perhaps this non-stop party by the Conservative rump is more significant than any Labour celebration. Attractions include Spot-the-Hague, Write-Alan-Clark's-Diary-for-a-Day, and Give-an-ex-Tory- MP-a-JobCentre.

Open House at 13a Bloemdale Avenue, Sutton Coldfield

This is the home of Jack Wetherby, the very first man ever to get through to the French World Cup hotline and buy a ticket! Come and look round this historic place, and hear Jack himself talk you through it! On display is the very telephone on which he dialled, the chair in which he lived for five days while he did it, the bill from BT for pounds 475 (even though he only got through once and was charged for all the engaged calls!), and the letter from the French World Cup organisers congratulating him and also regretting that they cannot enclose his ticket as it has had to be reallocated to French supporters. A slice of footballing history!

Grand Water Sale of the Century

We've heard of water companies being sold and water shares being floated and water goldmines being sat on, but this is the very first time we have heard of a genuine water sell-off, with genuine water being sold. Farmer Arthur Critchlow of Gloucestershire recently had his land flooded by fierce storms and rainfall. Staring gloomily out over the flood waters, it suddenly occurred to him that this was exactly what many people were short of. He put up a sign saying: "Water - Siphon Your Own!" and business has been intense ever since. Just off M5 at Spinchcombe.

Lord Irvine's Homebase

New out-of-town shopping centre near Windsor. Nice range of wallpapers, paintings, furnishings, hangings etc.

The Single Currency Road Show

Do you want to spend your day off studying the pros and cons of the euro? No, of course you don't. But do you want to know WHY you don't want to do it? Do you want to know what will happen if you DON'T keep up to date with the euro? Did you know that the euro has a built-in Millennium Bug in it which will render it totally valueless at midnight on 31 December 1999? Did you know that the last statement is totally erroneous and was put round by Peter Mandelson just in case things go very very wrong? All this and more, explained at the Single Currency Road Show, in your neck of the woods soon.

The Vision of Tony Experience

See the exact spot where Tony Blair appeared in a vision last week! Eight- year-old Brunnhilde O'Reilly was playing with her Mandy doll outside her home in the small village of Nether Widdley when he appeared to her in the sky and said: "O little girl, is this the right way for Europe? I have been chairing a vital meeting between the Israeli and Palestinian leaders in an effort to keep the peace process going, after my historic intervention in Northern Ireland to keep the peace process going, and I am now on my way to Europe to chair a vitally important meeting to keep the European Bank going, so I must be on my way, but don't forget to do your homework!" Paranormal experts say they accept the happening as authentic, especially as the man seen in the vision shaking his fist behind Tony's back has since been identified as Alastair Campbell. The spot is already a firm favourite for pilgrimages.

Virtual Reality Mayor-of-London Experience, Leicester Square

New state-of-the-art exhibition which gives you the direct feeling that you ARE the Mayor of London. You simply sit in the hot seat, strap the harness and helmet on, turn the knob to Archer, Livingstone, Branson, Glenda Jackson, etc, and FEEL what it's like to be in charge of one of the world's top cities, even if you're not one of the world's top people. Afterwards, counselling, medication etc available.