Boris Johnson’s victory speech: what he said – and what he really meant

Our chief political commentator decodes the speech given by our next prime minister after he won the votes of Conservative Party members

What Boris Johnson said: I want to begin by thanking my opponent, Jeremy, by common consent an absolutely formidable campaigner. You’ve been friendly, you’ve been good natured, you’ve been a font of excellent ideas, all of which I propose to steal forthwith.

What he really meant: Gracious towards weak opponent manoeuvred into position by my fixers to avoid a confrontation with Traitor Gove: tick.

What he said: Above all I want to thank our outgoing leader, Theresa May, for her extraordinary service to this party and to this country.

What he meant: Gracious towards outgoing useless leader who has wasted the past three years: tick.

What he said: It was a privilege to serve in her cabinet and to see the passion and determination she brought to the many causes that are her legacy, from equal pay for men and women to tackling the problems of mental health and racial discrimination in the criminal justice system.

What he meant: Win bet with team that I could praise her record better than she could herself – with a straight face: tick.

What he said: I know that there will be people around the place who will question the wisdom of the result. And there will be people here who will wonder quite what they have done.

What he meant: Self-deprecation with a hint of self-admiration: tick.

What he said: I would point out to you that nobody, no one party, no one person, has a monopoly of wisdom, and, if you look at the history of the last 200 years of this party’s existence, you will see that it is we Conservatives who have the best insights, I think, into human nature. And how to manage the jostling sets of instincts in the human heart, and time and time again it is to us that the people have turned to get that balance right.

What he meant: You have elected a philosopher-king, you lucky people.

What he said: Between the instincts to own your own house, to earn and spend your own money, to look after your own family – good instincts, proper instincts, noble instincts – and the equally noble instinct to share, and to give everyone a chance in life, and to look after the poorest and the neediest and to build a great society.

What he meant: Greed is good.

What he said: And today, at this pivotal moment in our history, we again have to reconcile two sets of instincts, two noble sets of instincts, between the deep desire for friendship and trade and mutual support between Britain and our European partners, and the simultaneous desire, equally deep and heartfelt, for democratic self-government in this country.

What he meant: But never mind all that; we have a crisis on our hands. I have been elected because the Tory party is beside itself with desperation – they think Brexit may not be possible, but if anyone can do it, I can.

What he said: There are some people who say that they are irreconcilable, and that it just can’t be done. Indeed I read in my Financial Times this morning, that no incoming leader has ever faced such a daunting set of circumstances.

What he meant: I start my time in office with most of the British media arrayed against me. Bring it on.

What he said: Well I look at you this morning and I ask, do you look daunted? Do you feel daunted? I don’t think you look remotely daunted. We know that we can do it. And the people of this country are trusting us to do it. And we know that we will do it.

What he meant: Jolly up, chaps. Don’t look so gloomy. This is my happy day.

(PA (PA)

What he said: We know the mantra of the campaign that has just gone by. It is deliver Brexit, unite the country and defeat Jeremy Corbyn, and that is what we’re going to do.

What he meant: Mantra, Sanskrit: a word repeated to aid concentration in meditation. The more I say it, the more likely it is to happen. That is how the magic works.

What he said: I know some wag has already pointed out that Deliver, United and Defeat was not the perfect acronym for an election campaign, since unfortunately it spells DUD, but they forgot the final E my friends, E for energise. I say to all the doubters: Dude, we are going to energise the country.

What he meant: You voted for me because you think I can do jokes. You fools.

What he said: We are going to get Brexit done on 31 October. We are going to take advantage of it in a new spirit of can-do. We are going to believe in ourselves and what we can achieve. And like some slumbering giant, we are going to rise and ping off the guy ropes of self-doubt and negativity.

What he meant: I was working on a joke based on Shelley in the back of the car on my way here – sorry I was late – something about Ursula von der Leyen sleeps tonight: “rise, like lions after slumber, shake your chains to earth like dew” something something “the many not the few”. Sorry, I didn’t have time to finish it.

What he said: With better education, better infrastructure, more police, fantastic full fibre broadband sprouting in every household, we are going to unite this country.

What he meant: There will also be policies.

What he said: Thank you very much for the great honour you have just done me. I will work flat out, with my team that I hope to build in the next few days, to repay your confidence, but in the meantime the campaign is over, and the work begins. Thank you very much.

What he meant: I haven’t got a plan, or a team, but it’ll all be sorted out by 5pm tomorrow, don’t worry. I love deadlines.