One-Click Wonder:

Sunday 22 February 2009 01:00

It has been reported that Madonna is eyeing up a return to the big screen as the lead in a biopic of Wallis Simpson. Here we salute Madge’s incredible perseverance in the face of continued cinematic humiliation..

'Shanghai Surprise' - 1986

This sub-Indiana Jones period adventure, in which Madge starred as the unlikeliest of Christian missionaries, was chiefly notable for the sub-zero chemistry between her and newlywed husband Sean Penn.

'Body of Evidence' - 1993

See here.

Making Basic Instinct look like Citizen Kane, this erotic thriller saw her channel the charisma of the speaking clock as an S&M-loving femme fatale, here seen getting Willem Dafoe all flustered in a crowded lift.

'The Next Best Thing' - 2000

Possessed of a distracting mid-Atlantic twang, her Madgesty played an oh-so-ordinary yoga teacher who gets pregnant by Rupert Everett’s gay best friend. The result was daytime soap opera writ large.

'Swept Away' - 2002

Directed by Guy Ritchie, this desert island dross about a spoilt heiress in thrall to a hunky sailor was her most spectacular failure yet, scooping five Razzie awards and heading straight to video to boot.

'Filth and Wisdom' - 2008

She made a predictably inauspicious transition from acting to directing with this wacky comedy-drama about three London housemates, which drew critical groans when it debuted at the 2008 Berlin Film Festival.

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