Five Guys a Week flirts with polyamory but doesn’t have the guts to go all the way

While initially, the format allows contestants to flirt with the concept of polyamory, a ‘happy ending’ still means finding The One, writes Annie Lord

Five men compete for Amy's affections in the first episode of Channel 4's Five Guys a Week (Channel 4)

From the smoke-filled dancefloors of TigerTiger, to the “sorry, excuse me” unnecessary waist grabs of men pushing to the Oceana toilets, any woman who’s ever been in a nightclub has experienced what it’s like to be surrounded by five straight guys who all want to have sex with her. It’s not a situation many of us want to repeat. But somehow, Channel 4 has persuaded a series-worth of women to endure the pleasure for their new dating show, Five Guys a Week.

Over the course of each episode, one chosen lady gets to know five men simultaneously. That means a coronavirus hellscape wherein she talks, snogs, cooks, parties, slobs on sofas, drinks tea, introduces parents and friends, with all the guys, all at the same time. Each day, she ejects a man from her house until only the winner is left.

It’s basically Come Dine With Me except instead of choosing the best meal based on whose filo pastry didn’t come courtesy of Jus-Rol, the host is choosing the man she deems decent enough to spend the rest of her life with (or, at least, until the cameras stop filming). Without a wedding at the end, in comparison to Love is Blind, this 9pm offering feels luxuriously low stakes.

While initially, the format allows contestants to flirt with the concept of polyamory, a “happy ending” still means finding The One. “The Michelle to my Barack”, as one contestant puts it. But watching Five Guys a Week, one starts to wonder whether ejecting any of the men is entirely necessary.

Last week’s inaugural contestant was Amy from Hertfordshire, who immediately stood out as being far too normal for a dating show. Her house is full of driftwood signs painted with phrases like “you are my sunshine, my only sunshine” and “I came for the cake!”. The carpet is so fluffy, I imagine she makes people take their shoes off before entering the house. She looks like precisely the sort of 30-something retired party girl whose idea of a mad night out now involves taking boomerangs of clinking prosecco glasses in All Bar One.

The cast of the first episode of Five Guys a Week enjoy a dinner party together (Channel 4)

To make things spicy, the contestants selected by producers for Amy were all very different. So much so that you can envision Simon Cowell branding their specific “type” when piecing together a sort of Sainsbury’s Basics JLS. There was Christian, the overconfident Jack-the-Lad international banker whose “very masculine” pineapple-scented cologne you could practically smell through the TV. There was the moping, overly nice Glen, whose only topic of conversation was opening up about how difficult he finds it to open up. Scott got his guitar out to play “Wonderwall” at the end of the party, even though no one asked. Michael was an ultra-macho stuntman with no personality (a fact he tried to hide by asking endless boring questions like, “Do you smoke?”). The big-cheekboned, silver fox Trystan only lasted five minutes because he thought his “surfboarding instructor who shags his clients” good looks would carry him through. But alas, he was too quiet. Some women actually like it when men speak.

All of the contestants on Five Guys a Week range from the unlucky in love (Amy and her ex-boyfriend’s relationship lacked chemistry) to the profoundly unlucky in love (Glen’s girlfriend of nine years cheated on him with a 19-year-old). Which begs the question: Why are they trying the same tactics a second, third, fourth time around? Though the show presents itself as suggesting an alternative relationship model, it only ends up reasserting monogamy. Amy might have had five boyfriends in her house for a week, but at the end of that time, she had to pick one to be her everything. Selfies on the Amsterdam canal and Valentine’s Day Lush bath bombs included.

Amy and Scott on the first episode of Channel 4’s Five Guys a Week (Channel 4)

No man can have it all, but they could all offer something that would make Amy’s immeasurably better: Scott seemed like the sort of guy who misquotes Sartre, but he was emotionally intelligent to the point that he teared up when speaking about how much he loves his parents. Christian was arrogant, but he could take her to Ibiza and spray her with champagne that is way too expensive to be on the floor. Did Amy really have to pick? Why couldn’t she have both? Think how tasty it is to eat curry with chips. Or Christmas dinner inside bread.

Five Guys a Week’s “experiment” doesn’t have to end. Amy would have been better off having a bit of every guy, because in expecting one to be her everything, she got less overall. The only relationship that has to last forever is the one that you have with yourself. A sentiment cringe-worthy enough to fit quite nicely on a sign in Amy’s living room.