4 people tell their stories on living with an ex after a break up: ‘We slept in the same bed for a month'

From awkward encounters in the kitchen to sharing a bed, Katie O'Malley spoke to people who continued living with a former partner post split to find out the realities and a psychologist on how to navigate the situation

The Break Up - 2006 (Rex)

From navigating the tricky business of whether to stay in contact with mutual friends and breaking the news to your family, to cancelling planned holidays and avoiding your favourite restaurants, working out life in the immediate aftermath of a relationship can be a minefield.

But things get a whole lot harder when you break up with a partner you are living with.

Because, let’s face it, no one wants to see their ex over a bowl of Cornflakes in the morning or red-faced after crying through the entire back catalogue of Adele.

This is something former Love Island contestant Amy Hart knows all too well. The 26-year-old announced that she was leaving after suffering a heartbreak following her split from ballroom dancer Curtis Pritchard.

The former flight attendant told Pritchard that she wanted to leave so that he could be happy and acknowledged that she couldn’t heal emotionally while living in the same house.

Fans of the show took to Twitter to share their upset at Hart’s decision, empathising with the former reality show contestant on how difficult it can be to move on.

Lucy Fuller, psychotherapist and spokesperson for the Counselling Directory, tells The Independent that living together post breakup can be an incredible difficult situation.

What Happens in Vegas, 2008 (Regency Enterprises)

“Regardless of whether the split was amicable, sharing the same space can suggest that there is a glimmer of hope that a relationship may still be salvageable,” says Fuller.

The relationship councillor adds that co-habitation may result in psychological issues for either one or both individuals.

“It may heighten feelings of worthlessness and anxiety, which could stem back from childhood experiences of loss and separation if your parents weren’t together,” she explains.

“Your home is your safest space and where you should be allowed to be yourself.”

Following Hart’s departure from the villa, we spoke to people who have lived with their ex post-break-up to find out what it’s like, from sleeping in the same bed to learning when it’s time to let go.

Ben, 27: “We carried on as normal and slept in the same bed”

“I’d been in a relationship with my ex for around four years before we split up. He had moved in with me and my housemates so it was quite close quarters. He brought a lot of belongings with him, too, which I wasn’t really prepared for. I felt like his stuff took up a lot of space – more than my own.

At the time, I was paying the majority of the rent which added to the pressure of the relationship. When we split, I asked him to move out as he was originally from Birmingham where we lived, so was able to move back in with his parents. But it took him about a month or two after we broke up to properly move out.

The sleeping situation was odd, to say the least, as we almost carried on as normal and he stayed in my bed. Despite wanting space away from each other, we were still very much in love so to detach that emotion from the situation was virtually impossible.

We knew that long term it wasn’t the right thing to do but we both weren’t ready to let go.

Man and a woman are dragging apart their half of the house. (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

I learned a lot from us living together post-breakup. I’ve always considered myself quite laid back but in quite an intense living space, I found myself rather short-fused.

However, it also allowed me to see the relationship for what it was and enabled me to be sure of what I did and didn’t want.

I don’t regret the moving in together but for us, the decision probably signalled the beginning of the end of the relationship. Masking problems with the obligatory 'next step' in the relationship ultimately led to the realisation that I wasn’t happy.”

Joanna, 38: “Living together made the situation easier”

“I’d been in a relationship with my girlfriend for just over three years when we split. Our relationship was tumultuous and with the benefit of hindsight, we should probably have ended it long before then.

She had moved in with me and my friend after we had been together for about six months. After 18 months, my friend moved out. We were living out of London at the time, so we had quite a bit of space for not that much money.

When we broke up, the contract on our flat wasn’t up for another three months and neither of us could afford to stay on in the house alone, so we decided to remain living together. This was made slightly easier by the fact that we had separate rooms on different floors.

Girl crying and sit on chair (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

In a weird way, I think living together made the situation easier – it was a gradual transition, rather than a sharp, immediate end to our relationship. We were still very fond of – and emotionally dependent on – each other. We agreed some ground rules (including not to bring dates over) and, broadly speaking, I think it was probably a relief for us both, despite it being very painful at the time.

The problem with living together was that we struggled to live apart when our contract came to an end. For quite a few months, we continued to stay at other each other’s houses – the process of fully breaking up dragged on.

What living together did do though, was ensure we were civil to one another during the breakup process. Now, in the grand lesbian tradition, she’s one of my best friends.”

Luke, 28: “Neither of us wanted to move out”

"I’d been in a relationship with my girlfriend for four years when we broke up. We were both busy young professionals who had just moved to London. We realised we enjoyed doing different things and mutually decided to end it.

At the time, we were living in a two-bed apartment with another couple – my best friend from school and his girlfriend, which worked for both of us. Fortunately, there was quite a bit of space so we never felt like we were stepping on each other’s toes.

complicated couple love relationship problem doodle color drawing vector illustration. Standing boy and girl back to back with tangled messy scribble connection line. (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Following the split, we ended up living together for another six months, predominantly sharing the same bed (but I’d sometimes sleep on the couch). While some may think this was an odd decision, it was actually fine. Our situation worked out because we were both focussing on our carers, still got on really well with our housemates, and weren’t looking to date anyone else.

We were quite lucky – we didn’t experience many awkward moments and ultimately I learned that sometimes things don’t work out but if you respect each other and handle things the right way, you can avoid the drama of an awkward break up and still remain good friends.

Sarah, 27: “We weren’t quite sure how to act around each other”

We didn’t know each other before signing our house contract – we had mutual friends at the time who were looking for housemates – so when we moved in together, we were living in separate rooms.

After dating for a short while, we realised we were completely incompatible. We split up months into the house share but were unable to move out as we had almost a year left on our contracts. Instead, we decided to take each day as it came.

Love couple sitting on bench (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

I think we were fortunate that the relationship wasn’t particularly serious and we hadn’t been together for years so there wasn’t too much upset. Fortunately, we never faced too many awkward glances over the table at breakfast or while cooking as I’m very much a morning person whereas he was certainly not.

That said, it was slightly awkward that our bedrooms were next door to one another, especially as I started dating someone while we were still living together.

While we never had a huge or much tension living together during that year, I found it rather liberating when we finally were able to move out. After moving out, we decided not to stay friends and we haven’t spoken since.

I've learned that you should never start dating someone you are about to move in with. Rather, you should wait until you know whether you can actually stand living with them before jumping into anything!"

Rachel Davies, a councillor at relationship charity Relate, provides five tips on how to ease the transition of living together after breaking up:

1. Acknowledge it’s not an ideal arrangement

"Don’t try to have unrealistic expectations of what might come of living together after a breakup. Be clear about the situation and put some rules in place. Ideally, make sure you have your own individual space (this includes a separate bed), and work out when you plan to make dinner, use the bathroom, and do the washing. Living together post breakup is a temporary solution but requires some serious planning and negotiation.

2. Have mutual respect for each other

Think of the situation as a house share and recognise that you’re no longer in a relationship with your ex, rather they are now your housemate. Both of you require a respectful co-existence so this might involve using headphones rather than speakers to play music, or asserting that previously shared items such as milk, shower gels and toothpastes are to be bought and used separately. If you think sharing something may cause conflict, keep it simple and separate.

3. Set a time limit

If you decide to live together, make sure you set a time limit on the arrangement. It is also important to occasionally check in with each other so that you both know the situation is not open-ended. If one party feels guilty over the breakup they may over worry about the practical arrangements for their ex. However, acknowledge that their living situation is no longer your business. Keep communication open but do not pry into their plans.

4. Implement boundaries

If you are in a new relationship or the demise of the relationship came as a result of an affair, it’s important to discuss how you plan to conduct this going forward. Set some rules whether that is agreeing not to bring a potential partner back to the house or organising dates outside of the home. You don’t want to have to creep around your own home but equally don’t want to complicate your living situation further.

5. Use a mediator

When children or finances are involved, it might be worth contacting a third party to facilitate conversations. During a breakup, problems you split over can often be played out in day-to-day situations so an external influencer can help to ease this transition period. If you are unable to discuss issues with a friend or family member, you may want to contact a counselling or relationship advice service like Relate."