How to make a clean break from an unhappy Coalition

The Government has announced plans to release a "divorce app", which will advise unhappy couples with smartphones on how they ought to go about their separation. The scheme, which is set to cost £14m, will fund an application that can be easily downloaded to phones and computers, even in the midst of a blazing row.

Will the Coalition follow its own advice, when its marriage inevitably comes to an end?*

1. Try not to argue in front of your children/taxpayers. It's not dignified, and it unsettles the poor things.

2. If one of you is seeing somebody new, be open and honest about it. There's a chance your partner already suspects you of illicit trysts with a third party. Keeping secrets will only make things worse. (But don't tell the children/taxpayers until you're sure your new love is going to last. You risk confusing them.)

3. Were money issues to blame for the difficulties in your relationship? Perhaps you should seek outside financial advice.

4. Divide up your assets as fairly as you can. Who gets to keep the house? It might be easier if you both move out.

* This advice may or may not appear in the aforementioned divorce app.