Reader dilemma: 'I'm too hard on myself'

"It’s a good idea to ask yourself what you get out of listening to this unpleasant voice. Does it confirm a low opinion you have of yourself? Or is it a voice that guards you against disappointment?"

(Corbis)

Dear Virginia,

A very good friend of mine has just told me some home truths. She says I constantly put myself down and spend my life apologising, even though I’m not in the wrong. I was very upset and argued that I like to be nice to people and it doesn’t cost anything to say sorry. But recently, I’ve thought more about what she said and I think she may have a point. I never ask people over because I think they don’t want to come, for example – which she says is ridiculous. How can I get more confident or is it just how I am?

Yours sincerely,
Erica

Virginia says…

You have what’s known as a “critical voice” and just realising this is a tremendously useful piece of knowledge.

Separating yourself from it is one of the first ways to deal with it. There is “you” – someone who is neither especially good or bad, just a human being with all its strengths and failings – and there is this voice that can almost seem outside yourself if you catch it quickly enough. But the main thing is to realise that it is outside yourself. When you feel that it’s you putting yourself down, then you’re not in such a good position.

Most of us have a voice like this up to a point. Sometimes, I even articulate mine. I say, after I’ve made some minor error: “You total idiot!” And yet this isn’t something I’d ever say to someone else.

Let’s take for an example what you say to yourself when you want to ask people round: “No-one will want to come to see you.” Imagine if a friend were to say that to you. What would your reaction be? Mine would be to be extremely hurt and never want to see her again. On another occasion, you might feel like shouting back: “How dare you be so unkind and horrible! You’ve got no idea whether anyone wants to see me or not!”

It’s a good idea to ask yourself what you get out of listening to this unpleasant voice. Does it confirm a low opinion you have of yourself? Or does it remind you of a parent or sibling? Were you always being put down at school? Or is it a voice that guards you against disappointment? When it whispers: “You’re going to be late, you stupid woman!” when you miss the train, does this force you into anticipating what you’ll say if you are late? Even if you eventually arrive on time? Is it a voice that prepares you for the worst?

In my case, I suspect it’s a mixture of a desperation for someone to pay me attention, even if it’s unpleasant attention, and kind of fail-safe against disaster. If I assume X hates me, for instance, I can’t be surprised and disappointed when it turns out he does.

If I were you, when you hear the critical voice (and although we don’t hear these voices out loud in the same way as, say, schizophrenics might hear them, they are pretty loud in our imaginations), I would turn round and tell it, firmly, to shut up. Ask those friends round, whatever the voice says. The truth is that I can almost guarantee you that each of those friends has a critical voice of his or her own which, when you ask them to supper, will be saying: “She’s only asking me because she can’t find anyone better!” “She doesn’t really like me – she’s only asking me because she feels she owes me.”

Readers say...

Do some soul-searching

Your friend sounds like a very good friend, otherwise she would not have taken the time to tell you this very important and helpful “home truth”. No doubt she has experienced the “better” side of you, the one that can relax and be good company without even trying and just by being yourself. She must miss that person (the real you) when you slip into this unrealistic, maladaptive compensatory mode where you put yourself down (no doubt for no reason) and apologise constantly (even if you are not in the wrong, as you admitted yourself).

First of all, ask yourself why, for goodness’ sake, do you feel you have to do this? You seriously need to do some soul-searching and find out if there was something you might have done at some point in your life where you felt defective in some way, or that you might have failed at something and felt really bad about yourself, no doubt again probably by accident.

You don’t sound like someone who would hurt anyone deliberately, but being oversensitive can be exhausting for others and being needy of reassurance even more so. She wasn’t having a go at you, but being a friend. You should thank her and be open and honest about it. There is nothing wrong with agreeing with her and having a laugh at yourself a bit more! The person missing out is not just her (along with all your other friends), but most of all, you. Do some simple exercises where you try to find honest concrete proof of your fears, eg, reasons why friends would not want to come over, and compare it to honest concrete proof of why they would like to come over. You’ll surprise yourself, I promise you, so give it a try.

Louis Nel

London E16

Let her help you

The first thing to remember is that your friend is very close to you and notices things that other people may not. So you shouldn’t worry too much that this is what everyone is secretly thinking about you.

But you also acknowledge that she is at least partly right. If she is a good friend, then perhaps she is just the person to help you feel more confident about yourself. Can she be there when you have people round, for example, backing you up and helping you make it fun, so that you can share the responsibility and you don’t fear failure? Explain to her the low self-esteem that is behind your behaviour and let her be a good friend and help you to help yourself.

Vanessa

by email

Next week's dilemma

My daughter, who’s 10, made a stupid joke on Twitter the other day and now she’s very upset because lots of people at school have been tweeting back saying she’s stupid and even worse. She’s apologised for it, but it doesn’t make any difference. I’ve told her just to ignore it, but she says she can’t and she’s crying all the time and won’t eat. I’m so anxious about her. I keep reading of children who’ve killed themselves when they’re attacked like this, and obviously this is worrying. How can I help?

Yours sincerely,

Mandy

What would you advise Mandy to do? To answer this dilemma, or to share your own problem, write to dilemmas@independent.co.uk

Anyone whose advice is quoted or whose dilemma is published will receive a Finest Bean Mini Bar Gift Pack from Prestat (prestat.co.uk).