Once upon a time we lived in a world where Tinderellas and Bumblers roamed freely as snappy rhetoric. However, since dating went digital, these enigmatic creatures have firmly established themselves as part of the furniture ib our social media obsessed culture, where there’s an app for everything – including finding romance.
Whilst we might’ve become accustomed to the concept of love at first swipe, the restrictions imposed by photo and character limits leave some of us at a bit of a loose end. Besides, there are only so many ways to promote one's lovableness without sounding like a homeless puppy.
- The blank profile
You’ve already gone to the effort of creating a profile, typing your name and age, maybe you even uploaded one pic… What else do they need? They’ll be knocking down your digital door with or without a quippy line about your pet hamster. No, you don’t seem arrogant at all.
- Bathroom selfies
Some people never learn. Firstly, that flash is obscuring the torso/chest/face you’re obviously desperate to show off. Secondly, you're clearly a bit of a narcissist/you don't get out much, hence the bathroom. Thirdly, don’t think we can’t see that there’s a toilet in the background.
Short of stating your shoe size and your contact lens prescription, writing your height in your bio essentially translates to the following “I’m not interesting, I’m not witty, but I sure am tall”. Short man/woman complex or not, metrics aren’t sexy, period.
We see what you did there, you sneaky mom - congratulations, you have a social life. Not only is this confusing as we have no idea who you are, but it immediately leads us to believe that you are the least attractive person in the photograph. Not a good start. Either bag yourself some beastly friends or play it safe with a solo pic.
- Dog/child photos
You’re asking for trouble with either. Whilst the former will only bring immense disappointment when paired with “not my dog” in your bio, the latter is bound to catalyse commit issues in even the broodiest of broods. Expect an apocalypse if your photo includes both.
- Using emojis in the place of words
We get it, you like beer/wine/avocados and sometimes you smile/wear sunglasses/dance like a sassy girl in a red dress. It might be 2017 but the language of love is still a lexical art. Say it, don’t emoji it.
- Bad grammar/spelling
“Im so xited 2 meet u – just lookin 4 some1 2 say your byootiful to”
Need we go on?
- “ Live, laugh, love”
2005 called, they want their cliché back
- And finally…
Remember, no one is everyone’s “type on paper”. You’re looking for someone who “ticks all the boxes” but doesn’t give you “the ick”. You want to show that you’re good at “grafting” but don't be “muggy” about it. You’re ready to put all your “eggs in one basket” and are gagging to “crack on” but terrified of being “pied”, so you’re “pranging out”. The golden rule of dating apps? If you’re going to “stick it on” someone, don’t be a “melt” about it.
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