Pandora: Minister for Law?

By Alice-Azania Jarvis
Sunday 23 October 2011 01:32

1997: the Gallaghers round Tony's. 2010: Jude Law chez Theresa. It's like Gordon never happened. Law could be seen yesterday afternoon perusing the corridors of the Home Office. In one hand – says our mole – he clasped "a square box and a plastic folder."

But whatever for? Law's people declined to respond, while the Department's press office were unable to. Had they known about it, they breathily informed us, they would have gone to have a look.

Is Law looking for a role, Alan-Sugar-style, in the new government? Politics is not his strong point. Pandora last heard him comparing the current landscape to his (some might say) half-baked action flick, Repo Men, in which a ruthless gang reclaim donated organs from recipients. Observes our source: "He was sporting a pair of linen trousers and quite long hair." Fan of the Liberal Democrats?

Dorries disappears on police advice

And so, once again, to Nadine Dorries, until recently the Tories' voice of unreason in cyberspace. Where is she? We asked the same last week. But now: the answer. Dorries' disappearance from the net is nothing to do with not needing your votes, and everything to do with the crime rates of darkest Bedfordshire. "She was told to stop by the police," says her office. Dramatic! Intriguing?

* There was a reason Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen wasn't wheeled out for an endorsement during the election. Aside from the obvious, we mean.

"I'm a Whig," the flouncy decorator tells us. ( Pandora: we knew those curls weren't for real.) "No, I'm a Whig. To my great disappointment they weren't fielding a candidate in my constituency." Nor any other, since 1868. Still: lick of paint, scattering of cushions and they'll be as good as new.

* Despite a multi-million pound refurbishment, the Parliamentary lobby reporters' quarters, high in the eaves of the Palace of Westminster, is once again plagued by rodents. Yes, the critters have returned with a squeaky vengeance; hacks report the scurry of feet across their notes. Commons cleaners bemoan reporters' eating at their desks. One Guardian trooper claims to have nailed one with a stapler. Keep up the good work!

All rise for Judge Joanne?

Finally: news of a job-swap even more dramatic than Joanne Cash's aide giving journalism a go. Joanne Cash herself – as the ball-breaking, hard-faced American TV judge, Judge Judy. The Tory candidate was, we're told, one of several considered for a mooted British version of the show.

* And with that, we're off. Gordon Ramsay, Daniel Hannan, et al: you can all breathe easy. It's been a pleasure. So long!

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